-15 degrees C

Is what my computor tells me the weather is like outside. I wouldn't know since I opted to stay in bed today. The new life starts here!
Gone is the " I always go to work unless I'm dead" attitude I had when I dated wifey and she wondered why I didn't stay home when I was sick. Now baby comes first. And baby needs me to get well, not to have a 4 month cold that worsen my astma and settles just in time for pollen season to start.

I'm staying under my 2 down covers and 2 wool blankets until I feel well again. Wifey is off to work. She's just been offered a job with the company she's been working with for the past few months. She's extatic. It seems like a really nice place and she gets to do what she loves.

Me, I'm sneezing along to the relaxation cd's I'm playing.
I love my hypnobirthing cd, and book.


I usually fall asleep as soon as I put it on. My mom says it doesn't matter, that the Russians did experiments that showed that the brain learns even while sleeping. So hopefully, sleeping to the cd every night counts as practicing daily.
If not, atleast I've conditioned myself to falling asleep as soon as I put it on. Which might come in handy between contractions.

I waver between feeling calm and even excited about birth, to think about all the horror stories and feel anxious and terrified. Certainly so many women can't be wrong about all the pain involved in childbirth?
Or is the body designed, like all other bodies in nature, to birth calmly, safely, efficently and painless, if you only let it?
Perhaps I will let go of all the fear and try to trust my body and see what happens.

Sometimes I'm still in disbelief about even being pregnant. Especially now that I don't feel nauseous all the time. (Coffee is even starting to smell good again!).Wifey reminds me I haven't had my period for 5 months and that we had 3 positive pregnancy tests.

I think of all the books I read before IUI, all the mental preparation that this was going to take a very, very long time, be very costly and we might still end up childless. After the first IUI I felt so broken hearted. I really FELT pregnant for the first few weeks. And I felt cheated by my body and my intuition. To my body's defence, the feeling, and all the symptomes dissappeared the week before my period.
So perhaps I did concieve, but the pregnancy was terminated.
One of my theories is that the timing was perhaps a bit TOO good the first time, and that a sperm that perhaps was not so viable, had a chance to penetrate the egg.
Who knows?
And who's to decide when and where life is to be? Is life less worth even if it's just a blastocyst not making it to pregnancy?
Is my baby less worthy of it's life should an ultrasound show that she might have a handicap?
I could never decide when my baby's life is out of chances, out of hope, out of faith.
So I opt not to know, but to trust. I love baby more than I thought ever possible. My quiet dream, nestled like a little bump on my lower abdomen.

One of the doctors at work said that ultrasound is a good way to bond with your child. I tried to respond something polite. But really, what a way to view women, women's bodies, pregnancy and babies!
I don't need to see baby on a blotted tv screen to feel attached. She's with me all the time.
I've loved her and longed for her all of my life. And as Nick Cave put it; I knew you'd find me, 'cause I longed you here.

When I worried about baby, when we first saw the midwife in week 10, the midwife said; she will never be as safe as she is when you are carrying her. Just wait until you have to leave her at daycare!

So I put my hands on my bump and feel safe, knowing that baby is safe.