After debating back and forth with wifey the pros and cons of having another go at insemination (the pro of a possible baby outweighing all the cons like being utterly depressed at our wedding day if it doesn't work, cramping, stress and anxiety) the stick decided for us.
All of the sudden it was grinning at me at 6.30 at night. Despite even having midpain throughout the day; I was totally unprepared.
Enter panic. Again.
No matter how much charting, planning, looking at planes, trains and hotels a week beforehand, I always enter a state of shock when the stick smiles.
I called wifey at work, who was luckily just wrapping it up. She came home and we decided to take the car to Copenhagen (being the cheapest and most flexible alternative).
An hour later we were on the road.
We couldn't reach the clinic on the phone until next morning. But thought the closer we were to them, the better. I could never shake the feeling we were too late last time, in spite of all the extatic midwives. To follow their recommendations as to timing once again and end up with the Finnish test stick was not an option.
Apparently there are different ideas as to timing. Some clinics recommend you inseminate as soon as you have a pos. test. The theory is that the little sperms will be hanging out, waiting for the egg to be released. Some, like the one we use, recommend timing it as closely to the actual ovulation as possible.
The thing is that no one really knows for sure. Not much research has been done on women as a whole, of the research that has been done on IUI the women have been straight and having fertility problems.
When it comes to fertile lesbians wanting a baby, everyone seem to be pretty much in the dark. No one knows and no one cares.
Like my friend said with a mockingly surprised tone of voice;" it's almost like they don't WANT same sex couples to start families!"
Yeah, imagine that...
Anyho, oblivious to the human rights aspect of this whole ordeal, wifey and I was well on our way to another country to make our dream come true. I was in charge of the music. But due to putting my entire record collection on a hard drive and storing the actual cd's (who said that would make my life easier?) we ended up w an odd collection of Johnny Cash, early (and depressing) Dolly Parton and the odd christmas album. AND the soundtrack to Beaches. My show tune loving darling sang through the entire record at least twice. (I'm SO gonna marry that woman!)
We arrived in Malmö at 3 o clock at night and checked in at the Comfort Hotel. Don't let the name fool you. But they did have clean sheets and something that resembled a bathroom, and at 3 o clock at night after 7 hrs in a car you don't really care anymore.
We went to bed, and I continued to wake up every hour to check what time it was, afraid to oversleep.
At 7.30 we gave up and headed for the breakfast buffét. Not much comfort there either. We called the clinic and got an appointment at 10.00.
I was later obsessing about us not getting to talk to a proper midwife but a secretary when scheduling the appointment. But trusting and optimistic wifey said they most certainly would tell us if our timing was off.
I tried to trust wifey, even though I had a hard time trusting the clinic, the entire process and when to think of it life in general and mankind as a whole.
We drove into Copenhagen on a cloudy morning. Waited in the waiting room of the clinic and talked nervously about God knows what. Our midwife showed up and it was virgin-midwife from post no 1. She was nice but not as emotional and warm as our previous one.
Also I felt a bit depressed during the whole procedure. It didn't work last time, why would it work this time?
The midwife didn't talk through the process, like the first one had done. I was staring at the roses in the ceiling, wifey was talking to me but I couldn't hear what she was saying. It stressed me out. I saw her lips moving but couldn't make out the words. The process hurt, I was apparently not ovulating yet and the cervix was not yet open. I just wanted to get it over with. There was no sun shining through the windows, the skies over Copenhagen were dark. I couldn't feel any movement, energy or beginning of new life inside me. It just hurt and I wanted to cry.
Afterwards me and wifey got to lay and rest together for a while. I felt sad. We talked about the planning. I was upset they didn't help us more, listen to us and gave us information but still let us make our own decision.
We asked to talk to the midwife again.
She strongly recommended not to do a double insemination. We talked about doing it beforehand, but it requires a pos. test in the morning so you can inseminate the same day and then 24 hrs later.
By having the pos test in the evening, that option was out.
She said the sperms was remarkably good quality (THANK YOU donor Bob!), even uncountable. And that they usually live longer than 24 hrs. 24 hrs being a bare minimum they can guarantee.
I felt a bit better.
If we didn't end up pregnant this time, she recommended we tried the hormone shot to have better control over ovulation. We'll see about that. I'm not happy making this process more artificial and medical than need be.
When we left the clinic the sun came out. Wifey asked me how I felt. I said I felt nothing from the neck down. That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
I'm not gonna give in to bodily sensations this time and get carried away! I'm pretty convinced we didn't conceive this time either. But if we don't try, we most certainly won't.
I still feel heartbroken from the last time and don't want to go through that disappointment again.
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