I got some pad thai...

...after work and headed for wifeys office to have dinner, as she worked night. The bus took me through the same streets we were driving in December last year; heading home from our first meeting at the gynecologist. I remember how we stopped at the very stop light outside the bus window. Dark, beautiful, depressing December Sthlm, far from sunlight and warmth. We talked about what we had just gone through. How the gynecologist, once establishing that I was the one we wanted to carry the baby, only turned to me asking questions. Like wifey was not part of the process. All the strange exams; seeing your ovaries on an ultrasound, leaving bloodtests on different days of your cycel to test your hormones, testing for STDs and HIV/AIDS. All the things I never thought of or never imagine would be part of baby-making as I was growing up. For most people it's not part of having a baby. For straight people with infertility problems and for lesbians it is.

All the tests came back negative. I wanted to say of course, but I remember being afraid they would show I was completely unfit for motherhood.

I also remember the gynecologist saying I was anatomically correct; and I felt like a sensible shoe.

Now summer passed by outside the bus window. I sipped my pepsi max (very unhealthy I know. But my imaginary baby wanted it, and what baby wants, baby gets!). I thought of Copenhagen last weekend. How different we were recieved in that clinic. How they made us feel like this was OUR baby, OUR family, no matter who was carrying the baby. Our child will not have a mother who has a partner. Our baby will have 2 mothers. It seems to be a very complex and difficult concept for the Swedish healthcare system.

As for pregnancy (phantom)symptomes ; wifey has at least half of what I'm experiencing.

During the weekend, euphoria, over-confidence and cramps convinced me baby was a reality, blastocysting her way through my ovaries. In the days that followed, workstress and early mornings have taken the focus off my body and left me feeling like it was all just a lovely dream.

The impossible early symptomes I've experienced so far is;

* Slight nausea; but I had the stomach flu last week and have been feeling slightly nauseous ever since.

* Tender breast/nipples, but that can happen around ovulation.

* Cramps; apparently a side effect of IUI. (For you who have not been down this road; they tell you this only AFTER you have done the insemination. By then you're so high on adrenaline and endorphins you couldn't care less if they said they were going to amputate your right arm.)

* Super sensitivity to smell, but I'm like that most of the time when I don't get enough sleep.

* Extremely tired; but then I hadn't slept well for a week, freaking out over possible ovulation and IUI. Also spent 15 hrs in a car Saturday.

* Moodswings, according to wifey. Me, I feel just fine. I'm just very happy and hopeful one minute and miserable and in the depths of despaire the next. But lesbian conception can do that to you.

I still get the odd cramps and pains from my uterus, but perhaps that's just from the IUI. All the information we find on pregnancy online is for heterosexual couples who have had intercourse. There's nothing on the symptomes of IUI or possible early pregnancy signs. Sometimes it's a bit lonely in this heterosexist world we live in.

Now my imaginary baby wants to dance. To David Bowie. And as you well know; NOBODY puts baby in the corner!