I'm pregnant! (or maybe not...).

It has been a couple of hectic days. I've been riding the emotional roller coaster like a genuine preggo! Lesbian conception is just one long bootcamp preparing you for (possible) pregnancy.

It all started after my last blog entry.
I could, of course, not sleep from all the tension and the nagging feeling I just might, possibly, probably, almost certainly when to think of it, get a positive test result by now.

Around midnight I gave up trying to be resonable and headed for the bathroom. The teststick didn't work! Again!!! I tried 2 sticks, in 2 different decoders. NOT WORKING. I was starting to panic by now, as I desperately needed to go, and didn't want to have to wait 4 hrs until I could try again.

Finally I found that by keeping the stick shoved in to the decoder, it would work. As soon as I let it go it malfunctioned.
Somehow I managed to get through the stick trick while keeping the stick and decoder in a firm death grip. Croco Steve would have been proud.

The test was negative.

After a few hrs of sleep I was up again by 6.15, doing the death grip (the entire pack malfunctioned); and was met by a smiley!!!

Enter panic.

I tried to remember what the midwife had said; if it's positive in the morning you should inseminate the same afternoon or the morning after. Should I skip work? Should I get a ticket to Copenhagen? Could wifey meet me there? Why didn't the clinic open until 8 o clock? What was I going to wear?

I called wifey who promised to call the clinic as soon as they opened. For obvious reason I didn't want to make that call from the office. (Up coming negotiations of salary being one of them, keeping my private life half-private, despite of being a lesbian, being another).

I texted my friend to meet me before work for an ovulation-angst-emergency talk.
We sat on a park bench, next to the hobo's, and she said a lot of wise things like; there's always going to be an uncertainty as to timing, you can't control these things, you can just try and try again. My insticts told me to throw myself on a plane to Copenhagen. But there was no way wifey could meet me there. As we decided this was something we def. wanted to do together, there was no way it was going to happen this month.
I instead went to work and apparently worked, though I don't remember much of it.

Wifey called me, super-happy, just as I had given up the thought of ever becoming a mother and embraced retiring into childlessness and shriveled ovaries.

The midwife had been exstatic on the phone and said the best time to try was Saturday morning.
We were on again!
Through out the day the mornings panic slowly subsided and I started to breathe more normally and slowly took in that the smiley was actually a good thing, and we were actully timing it right, not missing ovulation as I was afraid of earlier.

At the end of the day, I took the train to see wifey at her work. After a few hrs of sleep in a hotelbed we were off to Copenhagen!

We started out at 4 o clock in the morning and made it to Copenhagen with 30 mins to spare to our morning appointment at the clinic.

I had dressed up in a new dress, new cardigan and even sported a new bra and new earrings. I wanted to look nice the first time we might actually encounter our baby. Also I needed some shopping to calm my nerves Friday lunch hour.

A new midwife met us at the door, our had just gone on vacation. She had a very warm and enthusiastic energy about her.
We got to see the sperm which was quite amazing. Like little, tiny bulbs of light, moving quickly under the microscope.
Apparently the quality was excellent, much higher motility than we had actually paid for.

I was so nervous I hardly remember what we talked about before the insemination. Wifey asked a few question. The midwife asked me for my date of birth and I was so nervous I, for a moment, forgot. I pulled myself together and actually got it right. Wifey later told me the midwife told her on the phone I would need to give out my date of birth. I wish she would have passed on the info so I could have prepared by writing myself a note.
I needed it.

The midwife said it was a big decision to get pregnant, and only natural to be nervous. But I was nervous about NOT getting pregnant. So when she suggested we'd make a go of it, I was not the one to hesitate.

Next thing I know we were getting the IUI. Wifey was beside me, holding my hand and we were looking into each others eyes the entire time. The midwife was extatic over the amount of fertile mucus I apparently had all over the place.
2 extatic midwifes within 24 hrs, that must be a good sign?

I don't remember much, I was too busy being nervous and trying to relax my pelvis. But wifey later told me the midwife had said we had PERFECT timing, that I was def. ovulating and super-fertile. (There was a lot of superlatives going around the clinic that morning).

What surprised me the most was that I actually FELT the sperms. I was prepared to feel the syringe (and btw it didn't hurt, it was just slightly uncomfortable). But I actually felt the sperms moving inside me!
It was an awsome and totally unexpected feeling. It felt like soft summer rain, like the mild sun rays of august, like movement, energy, activity. Mostly on my left side.
Wifey said that at a point my pupils got enormous. She is certain that was the moment our baby was conceived. I'm not so sure sperm can move that fast, and that conception can happen that instantly. But I would love it if it was true.

After the insemination we got about 15 mins to ourselves. Wifey climbed up on the table beside me. We giggle, laughed, told bad jokes and I tried to describe my physical sensations to wifey. We took pictures of me on the table, grinning, pointing towards my stomach and doing the victory sign. We were IUI tourists.

Driving out of Copenhagen I said it out loud the first time. I had the feeling already while we were resting in the clinic. I also had the feeling the baby was a boy.

We were sitting in the car on HC Andersen Blvd. And I felt the strong surge of energy in my left fallopian tube. Like a tiny sun, orbiting inside me. Starting a new universe. Enclosing my heart. And I defied destiny and all common sense and said it out loud; I am pregnant.