Sunday the 29th of August 2010, 6.30 in the morning...

...and we're up again doing stick tricks.
I'm gonna let the picture speak for itself. Or help those of you foreign to sticks by 3 words; WE.ARE.PREGNANT!!!


">

I awoke at 5.30...

...and discovered I'm bleeding. F--K!!! Or F-N!!! as we say in Swedish.
Not that I was hoping (but really, you know I was).
This bleeding could be my period. If you wanna go wild with it, you can imagine it's a so called nidation bleeding. Or that I'm one of the milli-percent of women who bleed through pregnancy. (They apparently exist. I've read about them on a not-so-high-quality site called Familjeliv).
I think it's just my period.
Perhaps the egg brushed by my uterus lining, causing the pos pregnancy test before deciding to make it's exit. Perhaps there was something wrong with the test.

Wifey has a friend who got her child via IVF, and she had a bleeding the day of her expected period. I thought my day of expected period was yesterday. But I don't know anything anymore.
Who's to know? Who's to tell? And even though I have tried so hard not to get sucked into this and start obsessing again; how can I help not to?

At least I have no cramps yet. But perhaps my body has shifted from having cramps during my period to having cramps all through the month except for my period?
I don't know how to read my body anymore.
"I try to read your portrait, but I'm helpless as a rich man's child". - Bob Dylan

Friday morning...

...and as planned we took the pregnancy test.
I visualized the large caffe latte I was going to get on my way to work as soon as the test showed a negative result.
When the time was up I let wifey look at the test first. She hovered over it for a long, long time and I thought she was trying to read in a second line that just wasn't there.
But it was.
It was faint, it was almost undetectable but it was there.

So no coffee for me.
But maybe a baby.

We are going to re-do the test in 2 days for a more certain result.
Atleast there are no signs of my period yet.
I don't want to get my hopes up. My heart is still sore from the last crash. But I have a tiny, tiny...wish, more than a hope now. A whisper of a prayer;
stay with me my baby, you are the fairest of my seasons.


">

Two more days...

..until I most likely will find out I'm not pregnant by mother nature. I have, however, convinced wifey we should take a pegnancy-test Friday morning. Not wait until Sunday as we first planned.
I'm not a patient person by nature, but this waiting has been torture beyond imagination.
I think my living-in-denial strategy is working so-so. I DO have a bunch of weird symptomes.
The most persistent at the moment is a sort of pulling, strechy feeling in my uterus area. Like I've pulled a core muscle. I can guarantee you I haven't done any sit ups in ages so that's not it.

I'm still going strong staying off sugar. I decided last week (after I spent about all of it in tears, the crescendo being the wedding-dress hysteria) to stay off sugar to see it that would help me feel less like a human rollercoaster.

I'm not sure it made any difference, besides being able to walk through the candy section in the store without considering getting chocolate.

However, I also decided sushi, green tea and pineapple is a free for all. Especially with my delicate mental state. This means I've had sushi 3 times this week already. 5if you count the past weekend. Ok, that's like everyday. Don't tell wifey, she thinks too much sushi gives you mercury poisoning.

If I'm pregnant, our baby is going to come out looking like a maki.

By the way, also picked up the Dress today. Manage to get it through lokal traffic in rush hour without it getting crushed. Now it takes up half my appartment. I have a small appartment. But now also a huge Dress.
Reminds me of that time I got a Christmas tree so big my brother had to sleep under it when he came to stay with me.

Time goes by so slowly...

I'm all willpower by now. NO pregancy tests and NO sugar. On Friday I will probably get my period. If I don't we've decided to wait until Sunday to take a pregnancy test. Concidering we took three last time, we're gonna try to stick to ONE this time. I'm so certain I'm not pregnant I just want to get it over with.
I have, ofcourse, had my share of symptomes. But since it didn't mean anything last time, I'm trying to ignore them.
It's probably just PMS. For the past 2 weeks.
I'm keeping busy by doing huge amounts of laundry tonight. I think I've pretty soon washed everything I've ever owned. Including carpets.

">

AGIRLIN SANE...

So far I've been a fairly levelheaded bride-to-be. I've kept my inner Bridezilla at bay, not even really believing in her existence.

I bought a nice, marine dress for a very good price. I was open to all options to make our wedding a low-budget affair. I settled for a nice, plain ring (despite madly falling inlove with a designer ring w a ruby heart). I kept my focus on the right and proper things; save money to be able to go to Denmark as many times as possible to make our baby dream come true.

I awoke screaming from a nightmare at 6 o clock Saturday morning and had a total breakdown.
Since WHEN have I EVER imagined getting married in a dark blue, plain dress???
Was I going to a funeral or a wedding?
I was inconsolable and called wifey crying hysterically. Unfortunately my breakdown coincided with wifey's hen-party. Happy hen-party Honey! Let me just keep you on the phone for 5 more minutes while I have another panic attack.
To my defence I must say that I had nothing what so ever to do w the planning of putting wifeys hen-party 2 weeks before our wedding. Ok, that's not much of a defence. I rest my case. (And yes, this woman still wants to marry me. She's a walking miracle).


After crying myself blind for another 2 hrs I realized that what I wanted, what I needed was a REAL wedding dress.
Not a nice dress that you can also use at parties. Not a sensible option that makes your bankaccount happy and your inner glamour girl crawl away and die.
I needed a Dress, and I needed it Now.

I went on a dress hunt with my poor mother who'd come to town to help me sort out other things before the wedding.
But this was Dress Emergency, pull out the sirens!

In the first store the (very typically Swedish) staff looked very depressed and troubled when I said my wedding was just 2 weeks away. They then asked me to take a look around on my own. All the dresses where covered in plastics so you couldn't really see them. The younger of the sales women timidly showed me a jacket. Ok.

The second store had women my age from (apparently) another cultural origin. They immediatly understood we had a dress emergency on our hands. I told them I woke up crying and they said; "you need a dress! Even those who think they don't want a wedding dress need one! We had a woman yesterday morning who was getting married that same afternoon, and we found her a dress!"
THANK YOU!!!

They pulled out dresses they thought I would look good in, but not too many options either, since bridezilla nerves are tender and needn't be confused by too many options.
After a couple of hours I settled on a dress I never could imagine I would have wanted if I saw it in a picture, but now can't imagine living without. I shed a tear.

I called wifey crying, again, and asked her if it was OK to spend more than our entire budget on a dress. She said as long as it made me stop crying all was fine.

This morning I woke up at 8.30. The first thing on my mind was my Dress. I was smiling.






">

"TIME...

... he flexes like a whore, falls swanking to the floor" (David Bowie).

Time moves slow, fast, slow, fast, fast, like some ballroom dance I never learned the proper steps to.

Wedding planning takes up most of our spare time. I have semi-successfully managed to ignore that we even tried a second time. It's still over a week until we know anything for sure. I'm not gonna take any pregnancy tests pre-time.
I'm just gonna wait.
It's you and me Time.
Show me what you got.

">