For once I thought I might blog about a topic, and not just the usual posts about how tired I am and how much I love Baby, wifey and my pillow.
I've been thinking about the difference of lesbian and hetero families lately.
Wifey and I have quite the set up for our pregnancy. We just happen to live in the same neighbourhood as the only lesbian maternity care in Sweden. We just happen to be able to chose a lesbian midwife. We happen to be able to enroll in a lesbian parenting group and a Rainbow project at the hospital where we will birth. No one will ask if wifey is my sister when we show up to birth our baby (like they did when we were at the ER last year). Still with all these Rainbow projects here and there, I've found it hard for people to call her my Wife. Even when I make a point of saying; "yes you mean my WIFE wifey?" when the staff says; "your PARTNER wifey", people still go back to calling her PARTNER 2 sentences later.
Hello, we have joined the 21 st century and have geneder neutral marriages now, please keep up people! Really, how hard can it be?
Something else that bothers me is the constant use of the word PARTNER as a replacement for the word DAD.
I mean, yes, wifey is my partner, just as the straight folks husbands/boyfriends are their partners.
But wifey will not "become my partner" when Baby is born. Wifey is a female parent to our child. Female parents are called MOTHERS, not partners.
Still you are referred to as "mother and father" or "mother and PARTNER" in lectures, books and conversations with hospital staff. E.g. "the father/partner can cut the umbilical cord".
On the new-born pictures (in the hospital with the Rainbow project) it says, Mother:name, Father:name. Or Mother:name, Partner:name.
How difficult can it be? If it is so terribly cognitive challenging and confusing to talk about 2 mothers; use some defining term then; bio-mother, birth-mother, the other-mother.
But please, don't use language to constantly belittle and strip wifey of her role as a mother to our child.
I tried to bring this up in Rainbow parenting group, but didn't get much response. One of the other lesbian mothers said, with a tired voice; "well, atleast you are referred to as a partner now a days".
I found I get a much stronger response from people in heterosexual relationships when I bring up things like this. (Or perhaps it's just that I have such excellent friends and co-workers that get my point? )
I mean, what straight person would imagine ADOPTING your own child? Or being referred to as a PARTNER to the mother instead of a parent, since you didn't give birth to your child?
I think this outside impact of more or less ignoring the parenting role of the non-birth mom makes the dynamics in a lesbian family a bit different.
We talked to our midwife about this. How many of the lesbian families she meets are treated by others. The couples who take turns in having a child where the pregnant mother gets to hear; "Oh, how wonderful for you to finally become a Mother". While the woman in question have a 4 yr old at home (that her spouse gave birth to)and has been a mother for years.
Or the constant fear within the relationship that the non-bio mom will feel left out.
I thought of how much wifey and I have shared through this process. Every step. I don't think it's only the "lesbian urge to merge".
I think it's a protective strategy that straight people don't have to bother with. If wifey could have gotten me pregnant and the child was biologically hers, she would have an entirely different claim on the child and parenting role.
As it is now, she won't be a legal parent to our child until the social services allows her to adopt Baby.
It is not lack of trust that makes wifey say with a small voice; "promise to never take Baby from me", when we are half asleep at night.
It is lack of legal rights and and lack of validation from society at large and from individuals we meet, that she is and always will be the Mother of Baby.
It creeps in and gets to you.
It makes us both sensitive. I makes us attentive. It made wifey feel left out when I ran down to our midwife to get a quick blood-test for my iron levels and didn't have time to call her first.
It made it impossible to take a pregnancy test on your own, as custom in heteroville (at least according to the movies). I had wifey read the test. It was better for my nerves anyway, so I'm not complaining. It was just totally out of the question that I would take a pregnancy test on my own and later tell her the results.
At first I was so sensitive to wifey feeling left out I didn't know how to tell her that skin to skin contact with the newborn for the 1st hr makes breastfeeding more successful according to research.
I told her in some half-hysterical way, she got scared she would not be allowed to hold her own child and we had quite the argument over it.
I think we've grown so much during this process.
We are no longer one of the couples afraid of the birth mom breastfeeding and the other mother not being able to bond with the baby because of it. I think wifey will have plenty of bonding time with baby even if she's not the one nursing. We have no need to split everything 50/50 so no one will feel left out.
I am sure we will not fight over who will get to change the next stinky diaper after a while.
Lesbian families have the highest divorce rate of all couples. When it was brought up in parenting group it was from an individual perspective; that women expect more of eachother; more understanding, more support, more comittment than women in straight relationships expect from their male partners.
Yes, that might be one way to look at it.
But from what I understand having a baby is hard on any relationship; and a lot of straight couples also part ways during the toddler years.
And for a lesbian family add the stress of;
* Even becoming pregnant in the first place, chosing a donor, the planning, waiting, financial stress, fertility tests, perhaps hormone treatments, etc, etc, etc
* Not being recognized as parents by society or in day-to-day interaction with the world
* The stress of going through an entire adoption process once the baby has arrived.
I mean, really, no matter what we expect of each other, that is a bit much for any one to deal with. Add the working full time (for atleast one of the mothers), being sleep deprived and handle a new tiny being entirely dependent on you for it's survival.
So what do we have when we have; no legal rights, no understanding, no support, structural discrimination from this society we live in, contribute to and pay taxes to?
We have our triangle of love. Wifey, Baby and I. Connected as One.
Love makes a Family.
Hi-thanks for a good post :) Lesbian couples having a baby through the donor-process has given me a couple of questions.
SvaraRaderaI think the biggest one for me, is that it seems like one hasn't taken into consideration the amount of literature that underlines the importance of the biological father in the child's life.
Since you're open about some of your challenges, could I ask how you've dealt with this in the process?
How did you weigh the pluses and minuses, so to speak?
Eirik
Hi Eirik,
SvaraRaderathank you for reading and for your response.
First I'd like to ask which literature you are referring to, stating the importance of a biological father in a child's life?
I'm not saying there is no need, just wondering about your sources?
As for psychological research done fairly recently, a large study in the US shows that children of lesbian mothers are happier in their family life and in life in general than children in straight families.
Especially boy children were happier in lesbian families.
Go figure...
One theory behind this is that boys who grow up with their fathers or other male father figures, are getting negative impressions of these men, who might be violent, emotionally distant, alcoholic or the like. While boys in lesbian families only have "fantasy" male role models, such as famous athletes, and thus have a more positive idea about what being male is supposed to be like.
Personally, I think being a good or bad role model has nothing to do with gender. And I am sure there are women out there who could do a better job too.
That being said, research should always be interpreted with caution. As for the study I refer to, there could be many reasons for the out come, not having anything to do with gender or sexuality of the parents in these families.
As for the importance of a biological father, I think this differs from child to child.
Think about adopted children for instance; for some it is crucial to know their biological background, others couldn't care less.
For some donor children it might be important to know who their biological donor is, for some not at all.
I am glad we chose an open donor, so the choice will be our child's.
As for considering a biological father to our child, but not part of our immediate family...
Well, years ago, this would have been my preference. To have an "uncle" kind of bio father to my child. Someone who the child knows, sees for birthdays and christmases etc.
To have someone for the child to relate to as "my dad".
But since we didn't have an appropriate candidate, that was not an option. Also, I think it would have been a difficult situation.
As for any straight monogamous couple, wifey and I have difficulty imagining sharing our child and private life with other adults.
(I mean, 2 sets of in-laws and grandparents is quite enough to juggle).
I will now assume you are straight, though you might not be, and ask you to imagine being married to the love of your life,wanting to but not being able to have biological children with her. Now you need to get the help of another man, a donor. Will you have this man be a biological father to your children? While you tag along as a 3d parent?
Probably not.
And as a lesbian couple, emotionally, it is not any different. Though neither of us are male.
So one of the strongest "plusses" were; to build a functional family we both were happy with.
As the old american saying goes; if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.
Also, as I mentioned, once a biological father exists, he can also claim the child. And even if he had no legal rights, the claims of an emotional bond would be just as valid for me. How can you deny someone their child?
Which would create an unhappy situation for the entire family. Wifey and I did not start a family together to give up our children.
When you chose to have a (lesbian)donor family, there IS no father. Just a biological background from a man who is generous and kind enough to share his semen without wanting something in return.
Our child will grow up without a father. Instead he will have 2 mothers. And he will have uncles, grandfathers, cousins and male friends of his mothers.
He is and will always be loved beyond measure. And sometimes love is a more solid ground than biology to build a family on.
Em