The Hunger Game

...when you just can't go back to sleep at 5.30 in the morning because you just HAVE to EAT.

2 rye bread sandwiches w cheese (yes, I can eat cheese this time)later I feel more like a human being and less like a black hole ready to implode of hunger.

As for the nausea. If it's anything like the last time; just 3-4 more weeks to go! (Yes I know it might seem like a lot, but it is a WHOLE lot better than having 8 weeks to go!)

Besides being able to eat cheese, the biggest difference this pregnancy is that I'm still nursing toddler J. It is not as uncomplicated as I thought it would be.
The nausea and over all pregnancy sensitivity makes nursing pretty miserable for mama. As for toddler J; the more I pull back, the more desperately he wants to nurse.
Of course, it could be a normal increase, due to us spending more time apart when I work etc. Had I not been nauseous and miserable I might not have given it a second thought.

I still let him nurse, of course. But try to distract him with other things when possible. Hopefully it will feel better once the nausea settles.

Ok. Gotta go. Toddler J is pulling at my leg and calling for attention.

Leap Forward...

... bouncing back is out of style.

The phantom signs were my new little rose announcing her presence.

This pregnancy will be same, same but different. I have decided to not go crazy this time. Not be anxious. Not terrified. What will be will be. I will try to enjoy my baby and have peace of mind this time.

It is not easy when you feel sick 24/7 and just want to crawl away under a blanket to die. I have told wifey this is def. the last time I'm pregnant. I'm sick of feeling sick, I'm sick of feeling exhausted, I'm sick of being bound by someone either living in my body or feeding off of it, or both. After almost 3 years, I'm ready to have some space of my own back.

That's when you call in Grandma to babysit so you can enjoy your nausea without energetic Toddler J jumping at your belly at the same time.

Do I sound ungrateful? I don't mean to.

I am ofcourse superhappy to be pregnant. It couldn't have come at a better time, for a myriad of reasons.

The Danish midwife who told us not to try. "You can not become pregnant" were her exact words over the phone. First; stop breastfeeding, second; wait for at least 6 months. That was their advice.
Their weary eyes when we showed up anyway.

Well... what can I say?
Trust your bodies ladies, not statistics!
Leap forward!

Phantom Pregnancy Signs

Nausea

Extreme tiredness

Pulling feeling in the uterus

All of this can be attributed to flu season, poor sleep due to bed sharing w toddler and having done an IUI.

This weekend is the earliest we can take a test. I'm trying to keep a moderate level of hope and entusiasm as the last cycles 8 neg. pregnancy tests were a real spirit breaker.

The Waiting Game...

Back To The Salt Mines

Just relized that I start working again tomorrow morning at 8 o clock. I have, ofcourse, known this inevitable fact for quite some time, but have focused on other things; planning christmas, baking, planning trips, baby J, stick tricks etc.

I don't know how I will survive being without my precious baby 3 days/week. But somehow I will have to.


.

Well.
It's not even 2 month's until christmas holidays. I'll do as the alcoholics and take one day at a time.

As for the no. 2 project we have decided to wait for another cycle.

Our Danish midwife said she thought I couldn't get pregnant because my cycles were too short.
And yes, my cycles have been short (16 days) but they are getting longer, and this past cycle (when we got at pos. ovulationtest) was 21 days. Which, admittedly, is short, but within normal range. I got the pos. test on day 12, which gives a 9 day luteal phase which is completely normal and enough for an egg to implant.
The thing is I just KNEW this cycle would be "normal" eventhough the one before that was a short one (and perhaps without ovulation).
The depressing Dane (not refering to Hamlet) said any cycle under 24 days is not long enough. Which isn't true. Just google, woman!

I just knew this past cycle was a normal one with ovulation. But I didn't have any statistics to prove this since it was the first normal cycle since before baby J.
I just had my body and my intuition telling me it was.
And trusting a womans body and intuition in modern day medicin? BAHAHAHAHAHA! It will not happen people.
The body is viewed as a machine and the medical professionals as it's drivers. The women themselves merely passengers or by standers.

Our Swedish midwife says we can pregnant. She said that even before this past "normal" cycle.
I tend to trust our Swedish one since she actually knows us. The Danish one has met us twice and only talked to us on the phone since baby J.

And anyway, the Dane was the one who was very pessimistic and said we had the timing all wrong when we got pregnant w baby J.
I chose then to trust my instinct and not her statistics. And I got pregnant.

This time I choose to trust my instincts, my body, our Swe midwife and scientific facts over the opinions of our Dane midwife.

My cycles ARE long enough (and I think this next one will be even longer, 23-24 days), I got a pos. ovulation test on the same day in the cycle as before and my periods are getting back to normal.
I will not stop nursing as the Dane suggested, we will not take hormone tests and we will get pregnant.

That's our game plan.

I am so sick of this attitude of always expecting everything to go wrong. To look for complications and problems and always - without doubt - disregard my own knowledge, relationship and feel for my body.

The reason we will wait another cycle has thus NOTHING to do with the neg. Dane, but the fact that if we would get pregnant this upcoming cycle, I would not be able to go to Italy for pollen season. I would be too pregnant to be able to fly.

So we're waiting. But still checking for ovulation of course. I'm guessing it will show up on cycle day 12-14.

All I Want For Christmas Is You!

I am extremely happy to report that the smiley showed up despite of nursing and weird cycles. It even showed up on the same cycle day and the SAME CLOCK HOUR as the cycle when we made baby J.
How about that!?
I trusted my instinct. I wasn't supposed to test until the following morning, but I had this nagging sense I should. And, well, what can I tell you? It's def. time to start dealing with the birth trauma and start trusting my body again.
It will tell me all I need to know. Through millions of years of evolution and foremothers my body has primed itself to tell me what I and my babies need. It doesn't matter that modern maternity care and medical birth professionals won't listen. I need to. Because this divine invention I can call my own is beconing me into motherhood once again. And all I can do is follow it's lead and rejoice.
I have one amazing little person that my body has created, and now we might have another one. The ovulation stick is smiling, and so do we!

We can try for another baby!!!

We are so exited!

So now all wifey and I want for Christmas is a little grain of baby rice growing in my womb and in our hearts.


As for what baby J wants; I'm sure it will be difficult to get a sibling. But he is also very fond of babies and loves company. I think he will be a wonderful big brother.
Though I'm not too sure how he will feel about nursing with competition.

My dream is to continue nursing baby J through pregnancy and then tandem nurse until he is ready to let go himself.
We will see how it works out. This first pregnancy and breastfeeding experience has taught me to be humble to the circumstances.
We will just see how it goes.


We are going to try for a baby next cycle. If we get all the paperwork and blood tests in order before that.
AMAZING!

I have also decided that this pregnancy will be celebrated as the miracle it is. I will not have another anxious pregancy and traumatic birth.
This time I will be strong, centered and confident.
This time I will take care of myself, my body, my growing baby and baby J.
This time I will protect my mind, my body, my heart and my children.
And I will give birth at home in a safe and calm environment. And the hospital can keep their kaos, drama, stress and inductions.
My next baby will have the birth and the mother it deserves. A mother that protects. A mother that is strong. A mother that trusts her body and her instincts and acts accordingly. I will never again be bullied into having a birth that is harmful and traumatic to me and my baby.
I will never again lose myself and my baby to other peoples whims and opinions.

This pregnancy and birth will be a healing journey.

Round Two!

I'm back! Just started hunting the little happy dude that signals it's time to try for baby no 2!

My cycles are a mess and I'm still breastfeeding, so who knows if it's even possible to get pregnant at this time. But the hunt has begun and I will try to keep you updated! When I'm not busy chasing the cutest toddler in the history of the universe.
Yes. I want another one!