2 Moms and a Baby; a triangle of Love

For once I thought I might blog about a topic, and not just the usual posts about how tired I am and how much I love Baby, wifey and my pillow.

I've been thinking about the difference of lesbian and hetero families lately.

Wifey and I have quite the set up for our pregnancy. We just happen to live in the same neighbourhood as the only lesbian maternity care in Sweden. We just happen to be able to chose a lesbian midwife. We happen to be able to enroll in a lesbian parenting group and a Rainbow project at the hospital where we will birth. No one will ask if wifey is my sister when we show up to birth our baby (like they did when we were at the ER last year). Still with all these Rainbow projects here and there, I've found it hard for people to call her my Wife. Even when I make a point of saying; "yes you mean my WIFE wifey?" when the staff says; "your PARTNER wifey", people still go back to calling her PARTNER 2 sentences later.
Hello, we have joined the 21 st century and have geneder neutral marriages now, please keep up people! Really, how hard can it be?

Something else that bothers me is the constant use of the word PARTNER as a replacement for the word DAD.
I mean, yes, wifey is my partner, just as the straight folks husbands/boyfriends are their partners.

But wifey will not "become my partner" when Baby is born. Wifey is a female parent to our child. Female parents are called MOTHERS, not partners.
Still you are referred to as "mother and father" or "mother and PARTNER" in lectures, books and conversations with hospital staff. E.g. "the father/partner can cut the umbilical cord".
On the new-born pictures (in the hospital with the Rainbow project) it says, Mother:name, Father:name. Or Mother:name, Partner:name.

How difficult can it be? If it is so terribly cognitive challenging and confusing to talk about 2 mothers; use some defining term then; bio-mother, birth-mother, the other-mother.
But please, don't use language to constantly belittle and strip wifey of her role as a mother to our child.

I tried to bring this up in Rainbow parenting group, but didn't get much response. One of the other lesbian mothers said, with a tired voice; "well, atleast you are referred to as a partner now a days".

I found I get a much stronger response from people in heterosexual relationships when I bring up things like this. (Or perhaps it's just that I have such excellent friends and co-workers that get my point? )
I mean, what straight person would imagine ADOPTING your own child? Or being referred to as a PARTNER to the mother instead of a parent, since you didn't give birth to your child?

I think this outside impact of more or less ignoring the parenting role of the non-birth mom makes the dynamics in a lesbian family a bit different.

We talked to our midwife about this. How many of the lesbian families she meets are treated by others. The couples who take turns in having a child where the pregnant mother gets to hear; "Oh, how wonderful for you to finally become a Mother". While the woman in question have a 4 yr old at home (that her spouse gave birth to)and has been a mother for years.

Or the constant fear within the relationship that the non-bio mom will feel left out.

I thought of how much wifey and I have shared through this process. Every step. I don't think it's only the "lesbian urge to merge".
I think it's a protective strategy that straight people don't have to bother with. If wifey could have gotten me pregnant and the child was biologically hers, she would have an entirely different claim on the child and parenting role.
As it is now, she won't be a legal parent to our child until the social services allows her to adopt Baby.

It is not lack of trust that makes wifey say with a small voice; "promise to never take Baby from me", when we are half asleep at night.

It is lack of legal rights and and lack of validation from society at large and from individuals we meet, that she is and always will be the Mother of Baby.

It creeps in and gets to you.

It makes us both sensitive. I makes us attentive. It made wifey feel left out when I ran down to our midwife to get a quick blood-test for my iron levels and didn't have time to call her first.
It made it impossible to take a pregnancy test on your own, as custom in heteroville (at least according to the movies). I had wifey read the test. It was better for my nerves anyway, so I'm not complaining. It was just totally out of the question that I would take a pregnancy test on my own and later tell her the results.

At first I was so sensitive to wifey feeling left out I didn't know how to tell her that skin to skin contact with the newborn for the 1st hr makes breastfeeding more successful according to research.
I told her in some half-hysterical way, she got scared she would not be allowed to hold her own child and we had quite the argument over it.

I think we've grown so much during this process.

We are no longer one of the couples afraid of the birth mom breastfeeding and the other mother not being able to bond with the baby because of it. I think wifey will have plenty of bonding time with baby even if she's not the one nursing. We have no need to split everything 50/50 so no one will feel left out.

I am sure we will not fight over who will get to change the next stinky diaper after a while.

Lesbian families have the highest divorce rate of all couples. When it was brought up in parenting group it was from an individual perspective; that women expect more of eachother; more understanding, more support, more comittment than women in straight relationships expect from their male partners.
Yes, that might be one way to look at it.

But from what I understand having a baby is hard on any relationship; and a lot of straight couples also part ways during the toddler years.
And for a lesbian family add the stress of;
* Even becoming pregnant in the first place, chosing a donor, the planning, waiting, financial stress, fertility tests, perhaps hormone treatments, etc, etc, etc
* Not being recognized as parents by society or in day-to-day interaction with the world
* The stress of going through an entire adoption process once the baby has arrived.

I mean, really, no matter what we expect of each other, that is a bit much for any one to deal with. Add the working full time (for atleast one of the mothers), being sleep deprived and handle a new tiny being entirely dependent on you for it's survival.

So what do we have when we have; no legal rights, no understanding, no support, structural discrimination from this society we live in, contribute to and pay taxes to?
We have our triangle of love. Wifey, Baby and I. Connected as One.
Love makes a Family.

Today

I have decided that buliding a baby is quite enough of work. I refuse to feel guilty for not having the energy to do other things as well.
It is so nice not to have to stress out about work in the morning and how on earth I am going to survive a whole day behind my desk.
But rather just to know that this weekend is ever lasting.

I am sad though that I missed my friends hen-party last night + this morning. But there is no way Baby and I could have made it out of the sofa.
I'm even too tired to feel isolated. The pillow is enought company for me right now.

Last night Baby and I watched 2012. Baby got super active, I don't think she liked all the noise. I put a pillow over my bump and she calmed down.
I've gotten quite a taste for disaster movies lately.
The other day we watched The Perfect Storm.
I remembered a happy ending, and was quite surprised. Granted, I was hung over when I saw it in a movie theater a zillion years ago. I must have fallen asleep and dreamt about them coming out alive from the storm and making a fortune off of their cargo. Clearly that is not what happens in the movie.
I cried. And imagined the other ending to make myself feel better.

At my last check-up, the midwife asked me where I feel Baby kick the most; high or low in my abdomen. I still feel her everywhere. I wonder if this means she is still turing around in there? Either that, or she has a mean right hook.
Every time the midwife feels her she's been down with her head in my pelvis, but not fixated yet.
I have 2 appointments this week, both with the doctor and with the midwife. It feels good to have check-ups. Especially since we don't want to go the regular route with routine ultrasounds etc.
I feel safe with the "manual" check-ups of my midwife feeling Baby with her hands, listening to her heartbeats and checking her growth curve. Baby is actually a bit over average on the growth curve by now. Good job Baby!

I'm not really worried about Baby. She usually kicks the midwife or wifey in the head when the want to hear her heartbeats. I take that as a sign of excellent health, vigor and integrity.

My mom says I'm so exhausted because I'm building a super-baby. I like the thought of that.
Besides, if Baby would ever be still long enough for me to worry I now know I can just put on 2012 and that will get her going.

I also try to not obsess about preeclampsia. I am now resting and doing what I can to not put more pressure on my body and kidneys. Hopefully rest will get my BP down.
Perhaps I should also stop watching end-of-the-world-movies.

At the midwifes office this morning...

... I broke down in tears. I am sure she is quite used to that since she's dealing with pregnant women all day long. She still wanted me to go on sick leave, so does wifey and I finally agreed.
I'm not doing a good job anyways, being as tired as I am. I just don't have the energy, mentally, emotionally or physically to work right now. And Baby has to come first.

My blood pressure is still high, but at least not higher. The midwife said she thought it would go down when I stop working and get adequate rest. She also didn't like the look of my swollen hands. I thought they looked great as compared to when they look like white spotted water balloons.

I will most likely just go back to work to pack up and talk to my boss next week.

Until then it's you and me Bumpy, under the covers with our ipod loaded with HypnoBirthing relaxations and birth affirmations.

Bananas for you!

Banana is the new carrot juice. I can not get enough of bananas!!! (Organically grown, of course, since the regular kind doesn't taste much and the peel is so poisonous you can't put it in Swedish composts. Now, does that sound edible to you?).

I got a bit curious about the banana. I haven't been able to eat it for the most part of my pregnancy, though I'm usually an avid fan. But now I eat atleast 2-3 a day. So what magic power does this starlet of pregnancy cravings contain?

This is what I found online;

"During pregnancy, eating foods high in potassium, such as bananas, can help reduce pregnancy-related swelling of the extremities. (I need that!!!)They also balance electrolytes and are a great source of energy.

Vitamin B6 is also essential for the development and operation of our bodies. It is vital to the development of your baby's central nervous system, is a key component during the biosynthesis of the neurotransmitters GABA, dopamine, and serotonin and is essential for proper immune system functioning and the ability of hemoglobin to carry oxygen to the body's tissues. (A boost in the ability of hemoglobin to carry oxygen is sureley welcomed when you're as low in iron as I am at the moment!).

The heart and circulatory system require potassium to maintain normal blood pressure and heart function. (Sign me up and my blood pressure up!)"

Isn't the body amazing? My blood pressure is up, my iron down and I'm a walking water balloon.
And the body says; You know what Lesbomama? I REALLY fancy a fruit that will lower blood pressure, transport oxygen better and reduce swelling!

And they are trying to tell me my body won't be able to birth Baby without assistance, drugs and medical intervention?
Ha!

Sex

I was so certain Baby was a girl earlier in pregnancy. Now I'm not so sure anymore. Not because of the dream I had last night, I just lost that intuitive feeling. Or perhaps I didn't lose it. Maybe it's just not important any more. I don't need to have a sex or gender for Baby to love her beyond the universe and back again.

Still I like to call her "her", since I noticed that most people call a baby "him" when you don't know the sex.

I talked to my mother on the phone this evening and asked her if she ever had a feeling for what sex me and my brothers were when we were in the womb. She said that sex is such a limiting way of relating to people. A boy can be like either of my brothers (they are not very alike personality wise). So she always found it very uninteresting to know if the child she was carrying was a boy or a girl. She was more curious about their personality.
And she said she can't wait to meet Baby.

Wifey has started to say "it's my son or daughter you are carrying there!" She says just the thought that she will be a mom and have a Son or a Daughter in a few weeks makes it feel so much more real.

The first thing most people ask me is if I know if it's a boy or a girl. That might be the first thing I ask pregnant women too, come to think of it.
Maybe it does make the baby easier to bond to, to imagine or relate to.

But my mother is right. It is much more interesting to know what kind of person it is.

From carrying her(him) for 8+ months I can say that Baby is considerate, calm and very good at putting up with her hysterical birth mother.

Ok, I take it back...

... I AM exhausted. Again. And so swollen I can barely grip things in the morning. My hands feel like waterballoons.
All I really want to do is go lay down w my feet up.
I might accept that sick leave that midwife and the maternity doctor wanted me to go on.

Baby seems to be doing fine. Last night I dreamed I had an ultrasound (with a device that looked like my astma spray inhalor) and that she was a boy.
My first thought was; oh no! What am I going to do with all those cute dresses? Will ofcourse love Baby madly and unconditionally even if she is a he, or something inbetween.


Wifey tried to listen to Baby's heartbeat this morning. She kicked wifey in the head instead. Apparently she wanted to sleep in and not be bothered. That's my girl!


BTW with swelling comes another problem; eventhough I haven't exactly kept fit this pregnancy (I'm glad I pretty much kept alive) I never had any problems being limber. Now with all the swelling I'm more like a peg-legged pirate.
I have no idea how these swollen and stiff joints of mine will ever muster something similar to squatting in childbirth. (Squatting expands the pelvis w 28% and is a preferable birthing position).
Oh well, am sure Baby will get out one way or the other.

Now me and my sausage-like fingers are late for work.

Spring, blood pressure and 2 more weeks of work...

The sun is out, Baby has taken as her assignment to strech my uterus and internal organs to the limit and I can again eat sourdough bread without getting nauseous. Thank you Baby! Mama is very happy. When can I enjoy a cup of coffee or tea again?

I haven't blogged for a while. I was at my 32 weeks midwife appointment and my blood pressure was up, there was traces of protein in my urine and I have been quite swollen lately. Also my iron level was lower than ever.

Midwife wanted me to go on sick leave.

I, of course, got terrified of preeclampsia and couldn't sleep all night. Had a headache (also sign of preeclampsia) and painful contractions the next day. Stayed home from work for a day with my feet kept high and watched a bunch of movies and tried not to completely freak out.

Since then I've seen the doctor at the maternity center, but decided not to go on sick leave for now.
Only have 2 more weeks of work.
My blood pressure is higher, but not extremely high. At the most it was 130/90. I've been at 110/60 all through pregnancy thus far. Lately it has been 120-130/80-85.

I've been trying to keep my tempo down, rest a lot and not overexert myself.

The thing is I haven't FELT as exhausted as I used to. I was so shocked at the midwife because, except for the swelling, I had started to actually resemble a normal human being.
Being able to walk at a normal pace, not feel like I'm dead and buried every morning, not being as easily nauseaus etc. I actually thought my iron levels were UP. I actually had some ENERGY again.

Anyho, I talked to the doctor, he said that my body is under pressure from the pregnancy and showing it through higher BP and protein that signals my kidneys are not keeping up. However, it it quite usual for the 3d semester and doesn't have to mean a one way road to preeclampsia.

So I chose to work these last 2 weeks, keep a low tempo and see how I feel day to day. If I don't FEEL well, I will ofcourse stay home.

And I would, of course, never ever want to jeopardize Baby's health. But there seems to be no clear answer as to if my higher blood pressure and my traces of proteins are "normal" for 3d trimester. Or if it is a sign of things going down hill.

Sometimes it's so hard to know what to do...

Also midwife said since we wanted a natural birth she thought I should be on sick leave to rest up for the birthing. She had a valid point I suppose. I wish she would have told us that before the doctors appointment.

Still if Baby is not early, I will have at least 5 weeks off before her due date.

Well, things like this has kept me busy these past weeks.
And practicing hypnobirthing relaxation and resting as much as I can.
At least my BP is not HIGHER. Perhaps it will stay where it is.

This is what I feel like...

Move over nursey!

You have competition for being preggos no 1! Let me introduce you to the wheatbelt!
Pop it in the micro for 2 mins, put it on your aching shoulders (or where ever you have pains) and enjoy a piece of heaven!

Let the sunshine in!

The sun is shining, there is no pollen in the air just yet, baby is doing water gymnastics and I just accidently ate half a package of chocolate chip cookies.

Life is good.

But most of my excellent mood is due to a VERY pleasant experience this morning.
We had Rainbow parentgroup again. This time it was at the hospital where we will birth Baby. Ofcourse, wifey and I had already been there, to meet the "but what if you still can't handle the pain" midwife.
Needless to say, my expectations were beyond low.

Well, wasn't I pleasantly surprised! We were greated by a completely different midwife who was actually HEARING us, eventhough this was in a group setting and not at all a forum for individual birthing preferences.
She immediatley understood what kind of birth we wanted, and as a consequence what we were and were not interested in. Hallelujah!
She was attentive, openminded and efficient.
She hooked us up with the phone nr to a midwife they actually have on staff who has delivered all of her 3 babies at home and is passionate about natural child birth.
I'm gonna call her tomorrow. For an extra fee we can "book" her and have her on call for the birth of Baby, which of course would be so worth it!

Wifey and I have considered hiring a doula. But since most doulas we researched seemed so intune with the medical model of childbirth, we were really wondering if it would be helpful, or just another person we'd have to discuss our choices with.
Now, can we get a fully trained MIDWIFE, during our entire birthing expericence who's passionate about natural childbirth then HALLELUJAH again!
How amazing!
There def. is a God, and she is def. on Baby's side.

The midwife we met this morning also made sure the oral Vitamin K we had requested when we had our "fear of delivery" scheduled talk, was ordered and kept for us. Apparently the EDA-eager midwife from our prior talk had done nothing about it.
Our parent group midwife also seemed to understand what we needed to do to keep my exposure to birch pollen at a minimum and seemed to take my allergies and astma seriously.

I almost wept of gratitude.

She also said that none of the things we requested were anything but really common sense, but that we needed to be clear and remind the staff before coming in to birth Baby.

Well, all in all it seems like there is hope of actually getting supported, and not just questioned, in our wish to birth Baby calmly, safely and with as little intervention as possible.

I think I'm gonna celebrate with a nap in the sun!

Crack of dawn...

...was about when I gave up trying to go back to sleep. My shoulders are killing me. The massage yesterday was lovely. I will go back for more. But it's so not enough to counter balance whatever it is I do in everyday life that cause me to have chest/shoulder/neck muscles of steel. I really need to heal this before the baby comes. I don't want to be in such pain that I can't comfortably carry and breastfeed our tiny treasure.
And by the way, yes, the massage table w the cut-out for your preggo belly was all it's cracked up to be.
The massage therapist told me she'd tried to convince a bedding company to make mattresses for the market from a similiar design since all the preggos she saw was in complete extacy over it.
No one wanted to do it yet.
Perhaps I'll make my own.

Anyho, as I laid in bed, tossing and turning,I was contemplating everytning from my career dive to how on earth I am going to raise and be responsible for another human being for the rest of my life. I also thought of breasts.



Let me explain.
Last night wifey and I was at our second parent training lecture at the hospital. This time it was about nursing.

The first time was a 4 hr long ordeal with a midwife who spent her time terrifying every woman in the room of the PAIN of giving birth, and then going through all the pain medications available.

She also told us that babies feel no pain for the first 20-30 mins of their lives ( I thought we abandoned that myth about around the time when Dr Mengeles heydays were over?). And that no matter how tired you are you need to get up and move around and be active during labor for it to progress.
Unless you have an epidural. In that case, I quote; "you will be so RELAXED your body will do the work for you even if you are resting".
Ok.
I actually raised my hand in this auditorium of about 100 terrified parents-to-be to ask her if you were allowed to rest and let your body do the work for you through relaxation instead of vigorous physical exercise.
She said "well, relaxation is the key". Not really answering my question and moving on to ceasarians. Wifey was so upset by all the nonsens this woman spewed out, she wanted to leave.
I wanted to stay and hear the full extent of the craziness being portrayed as the ultimate truth.
Know thy enemy. Forewarned is forearmed etc.
We need to be prepared for how hospital births are conducted in this country so we know what to say no to and what to accept.

Needless to say, expectations for no 2 in the lecture series was very low.

We were greated by a woman with a baby-doll on her arm and a gigantic plastic boob in her hand.
She waved this boob around now and again during the lecture and we were all terrified she was going to strap it onto her chest to do a nursing imitation.
At one time she said she was going to show us nursing and started pulling at her bra- strap under her blouse.
You could hear the half empty auditorium (apparently we weren't the only ones being put of by the first lecture in the series) gasp for breath and then sigh of relief when she adjusted her strap (without pulling out her boobs) and put on a video of breast feeding.

Now, the video showed breasts left and right, and ofcourse, they needed to do that to demonstrate nursing I suppose.
But what caught on was the casualty after givning birth. The bright lights, the naked mother and baby, hospital staff chatting with the new mom, commenting the baby etc.

And that's what kept returning in my mind. I am NOT comfortable with being naked with fully dressed strangers, no matter if I've given birth or not. Perhaps ESPECIALLY not after doing something so intimate as giving birth.

I don't want to show off my tits and my private parts in a bright room, fully lit, and with a hoard of fully dressed hospital staff poking around.
(Ok, it would be even worse if the staff was naked too.)

But you know, PLEASE, some privacy? Some modesty? I don't want strangers commenting our beautiful little baby. I want that to be a private moment for me, wifey and baby.
When our baby is slowly adjusting to the outside world and rooting for my breast, I don't want some frisky nurse or midwife (who also might have nagged me to run laps in the hallway all night to speed up labor)like a sports commentator telling our baby she's doing good, to go for it etc.

The birth of our baby need to be respected as something as beautiful, tender and sacred. Not like an open sports event where everyone gets to comment on your performance.

By the way, I couldn't help noticing all the babies on the video squinting when trying to look at their parents. No wonder when you have those bright lights in the room.

What animal in nature goes up on the brightest lit mountaintop to give birth to her babies? And in front of an audience? And do physcial exercises to "speed things up"?
From what I remember from nature channel, all animals seek a secluded, dark, safe place to birth. And the lay still, panting, doing so.

Oh well, each time and culture have their view of birth.

I must say that despise of the boob overload, I liked the lecture way more than the first one.
At least this woman seemed intuned with nursing and having a natural approach to babies and mothers (and plastic boobs).
Though I don't think it would have killed them to include at least one woman in the "father" part of the video and atleast titled it "What is the job of a father/other mother".
Atleast they could have let a non bio mom clear out the dishwasher or such.

I would also like to thank...

...the nursing pillow for making my life as a preggo more bearable. I have so far gladly boasted that I, except for fatigue and a depleted immune system, have no pregnancy ailments what so ever.
I am glad I enjoyed that for as long as it lasted!
Enter shoulder pains.
My God, I'm talking PAIN. At first I thought it was sittning infront of the computor at work all day that caused it. (And that might have been the start of it). The bump does make it difficult to reach the keyboard comfortably. Also, our workplace is not exactly known for having ergonomically correct desks and chairs. Non-preggos before me have had aches and pains enough to keep a rehab facility in business.

But now that I've been off work for a couple of days but non the less have the same pains, I have to consider other possible contributors.

Sleeping with the bump is always tricky. I don't know how I got by before wifey bought me the gigantic nursing pillow that is now a steady 3d bed pal. (Yes, air humidifiers, nursing pillows, there's no end to this womans resourcefulness. And no, you can't marry her, she's mine!).
But even with a threesome, sleeping can be difficult. There's nothing left to chose from except alternating between one side or the other. Laying flat on my back, I feel like someone dropped a bowling ball on me. Sleeping on my stomach is a dream so far off it's almost forgotten (though I did make an attempt last night by making nursey into a donought shape and stuck my bump in the middle. That worked for about 30 sek).
I have to consider shoulder pain is also due to me sleeping on my sides. I might fall asleep comfortably supported, but wake up in a painful knot, nursey on the other side of the bed.
Apparently pregnancy makes me move a lot while sleeping.

Oh well, I'm going to get a massage this afternoon to see if it helps. It's a pregnancy massage, and according to reliable sources the greatest benefit is the special pregnancy massage table that allows you to rest on you stomach!
Will let you know if it lived up to it's reputation.