Super Mother Nature

Baby is here! A wonderful, amazing, exhausting, intense homebirth later. From 5 cm to a baby born with her hands on her head in 1 hr and 15 min.
I will never again have to worry that my body is not able to labour fast enough or have powerful enough contractions. What ever they told me last time at the hospital to justify their interventions has obviously NOTHING to do with the way my body works when birthing a child.

Yes, it was painful, yes I felt like I'd been in the ring with that Russian guy from Rocky IV afterwards. But my God what an amazing experience!!!

I gave birth to my baby. I felt like super mother nature afterwards. And for days have just been high on hormones, love and the power of child birth.

And.
When I looked in the mirror afterwards. I saw myself again for the first time since that last birth.
The trauma of that hospital birth took everything from me. But now I have regained it ten fold.

What a beautiful October day it was. Such a beautiful, beautiful birthing of my amazing baby.

Like one of our midwives said later, you need a new birth to heal a traumatic birth.

And I did.

Far Away, So Close...

...not only the title of an 90's movie which for years was my favorite movie as a teenager. Not only the lyrics to a U2 song I listened to over and over in the tiny room in the appartment my mother had to move into after the divorce.
But also what I think of when I think of Russia.

I haven't blogged for quite a while and pretty much expected the statistics for my blog resembling those flat lines that you see in hospital series when someone dies.

But, I had a bunch of surfers/possibly readers, from Russia visiting my blog lately.

And I do think of Russia. How close, how far away.

How I sit here, in the last week/s of pregnancy. With my family sleeping peacfully in the other room. Balcony door open out into the dark September night. Air sweet and fresh after the rain that just washed the streets and buildings clean.

And so close, just across the sea, a different reality. Where the state itself would hunt us and steal our children from us. Persecute us. Perhaps even murder us.

And how this madness can be allowed without the entire world speaking up and defending the basic human rights that are being violated is beyond me.

Russia, if you read me; I think of you. And I hope that this horrific nightmare will come to an end sooner than later. Love will conquer all. It must. It has no choice.

I Want To Be A Part Of It...

Soon wifey will be in NYC. Far away from active toddlers, pregnant wives in wheelchairs and loads of laundry needing to be done.

And she really deserves it. And I really do hope she has a lovely time with her friends.

I just wish I could be a part of it.

Or, as I told wifey in the car, going home from the midsummer party at her relatives house; there you will stand. With a starbucks coffee in your hand and the wind of freedom blowing your hair.

Don't you think you're exaggerating a bit? Wifey asked. And prehaps I am. But perhaps not. Not after being pregnant/breastfeeding for almost 3 years now.

Only, I would not be holding a coffee, but rather a glass of pink champagne.

As If It's Not Enough...

..to be pregnant, allergic, asthmatic, low on iron and having an underactive thyroid. I go and dive off the back porch on our first night in our country house and sprain my ankle so badly I end up in a wheelchair. (Crutches won't do, I just keep falling over due to my loose pregnancy joints).
At least I did not break any bones. And hopefully baby survived the ex-ray of my foot under the led-sheat I wore at the hospital.

It does however put a damper on my new exercise regime. I did 2 5k walks for 2 days before I did the dying swan dive off the porch and landed on the side of my ankel.

I still can't put any weight on my foot, but hopefully it will get better soon. Atleast I did not land on baby. And a sprained ankel is better than broken bones. And def. better than a sprained baby.

The Exciting Lesbian Couple

As wifey and I have ventured outside of our safe little haven of our lesbian midwife at our lesbian oriented maternity clinic and our rainbow parenting groups, we have encountered a new phenomena.
One would not think this really existed in the capital of one of the gay friendliest countries in the world in the year 2013. Especially not in the area we live in.
But. It does.

When e-mailing and calling around to look for hypnobirthing classes, homebirth midwives etc, I have sometimes forgotten to use our standard phrase; hello, we are a LESBIAN couple.
When forgotten, I have 9 times out of 10 gotten the reply that "you and your husband" this or that.

When I actually have remembered to provide this otherwise unthinkable information that we are a LESBIAN couple I have been met with; oh how EXCITING, I have never met/worked with/dealt with a lesbian couple before. Or, how INTERESTING; are you the one having the baby (yes, lady I just told you I'm pregnant, and no, we are not pregnant at the same time, though obviously that could be a possibility too).

I mean, really people? Get over it. It's not that exciting, rare or exotic. Wifey and I truly love each other, but other than that we are your regular, monogamous, getting-cranky-over-the-dishes, next door couple.

We don't cheat, we don't drink, we don't do stand up, we don't wear spectacular clothing, we're not the life of any party - since we are toddler parents and mostly just want to go to bed.

When we have a night off due to toddler J falling asleep early we watch tv-series or go really wild and crazy and play a board game and eat chocolate.

I think the thing that has really startled me in all this is that all of the sudden, I realize that people view us as DIFFERENT. Even if they try to phrase it in a positive way, it is obvious that this is nothing they have encountered before and that they need to vocalize that.
To make me feel what? Excited too? Aware that according to them I am outside the norm, outside what is considered normal or expected?

It's not like I go around thinking on an average day how lesbian I am and how exciting and different that is. I'm just a regular person in a regular life, with a regular marriage with ups and downs.

Most of my friends are in straight relationships, most people at work are straight or in straight relationships. And except the odd elderly co-worker here or there passing homophobic remarks, I have never encountered the "how EXCITING" response before.

If we loved our (lesbian) midwife before, we are now clinging to her like a lifesaver after all the "excited" people we have encountered.

If I really liked our maternity clinic before I absolutely love it now!

I went by for a doctors appointment the other week and as I was leaving I overheard a female couple coming in the door, wondering where to go. They were obviously there for a first appointment on their way to starting a family. I didn't start singing "we are family". But I felt both sentimental, protective and proud. This was our place. For us. Where we are not "exciting lesbians", but just normal people, having normal relationships and wanting normal things.
Like starting a family with the love of your life.

Dancing Baby

Yesterday I watched a dance program. On my laptop with headphones as Toddler J was sleeping and I didn't want to wake him. Baby moved the entire 90 min show.
She does move a lot over all. But not constantly like she did yesterday. She obviously didn't hear the music. But perhaps she felt the dance,as I did.
My body might be tired, heavy and out of (dance)shape. But my mind and heart starts moving with the dancers when I watch, and it is the closest I can get to dancing myself at the moment. Perhaps it made baby dance too.
Def. need to watch more dance as it obviously makes baby (and mama) happy.

Pollen Season...

...seems to never end. I'm usually not that sensitive to grass pollen. But when I'm pregnant I seem to be super sensitive to everything. Still, I'm going to try to go for a 5K walk. Will be very interesting to see how long it takes me, as I get contractions when I walk too briskly.
I'm not really worried, the contractions are mild, doesn't hurt, but still makes it impossible to strech out in a long, good power walk. Any walking is preferable to just being sendentary though.

And I must admit I do enjoy walking extra much when concidering that I could instead be exhausted in my office on an uncomfortable chair, trying to get work done while just wanting to cry. I.e. last pregnancy.

So much is different this time. I have no aches and pains as I did last time. I get to rest when ever I need, which makes the fatigue easy to handle. My asthma is bothersome some days, but since I don't need to stress, keep a schedule or exert myself, it's not really a problem either.

Lesson learned. When listening to the body and meeting it's needs, even medical problems (such as allergies/asthma/fatigue) becomes minor distractions.

Wifey and Toddler J have started going out to our country house for whole days. Which also gives me unlimited time off. The sort of time I haven't had since... God knows, probably before we started to search for a donor, or perhaps even before I met wifey.

I noticed that this morning when they left, my first impuls was not to crash on the sofa and take a nap/watch TV. But I actually have some energy to go do something. There fore the idea of the 5K walk.

I'm also hoping that it might be allergy season drawing to an end, giving me more energy.

A wonderful schedule would be to walk 5K every day and do prenatal yoga atleast every other day. I've signed on to fitocracy.com to give me some motivation and accountability. I don't care if I crawl around 5K and it takes me 2 hrs (instead of the 45 min it takes me when not pregnant). I just want to get moving to get ready for birth.

I had coffee w a friend the other day. She said that all I could do was prepare as best I could for my birth and the just let things happen the way they would.
I agree, ofcourse, since preparing until exhaustion is my usual strategy in life. But... it also made me reflect on my own behavior.
Being very active can sometimes be a negative behavior. If my goal is to be relaxed and focused come child birth. Perhaps the best way to reach that goal is NOT to do a million things to "prepare" and have a high tempo in live. Perhaps it is much more constructive to play w Toddler J, clear the strawberry patch from weed, bake a raw food snack for afternoon tea etc

When watching the Birth Story documentary I noted that the women giving birth naturally did not take a zillion classes, educated themselves to exhaustion on every possible angle of child birth, did not even have prenatal yoga classes.

That, in combination with the hypnobirthing woman backing out of our agreed course w 4 days notice, made me change my perspective.

What happened with the hypnobirthing dissappearing was a bit of shock actually. I had counted on working through my birth trauma with hypnosis, and having the hypnobirthing tools for my next child birth as an important part of my birth plan. After crying for a week, I just let it go.

It was not a very professional thing to do. The hypnobirthing instructor asked me to describe my birth trauma via e-mail (as she said; so she could do a hypnosis treatment based on it), and then she just back out last minute. Saying she could not work on the trauma since I was pregnant. She knew I was pregnant from the start. I really don't understand.
What I do understand however is that I am better off without having to waste any more time or any money on this person.

It is too late to book anyone else now. Summer is here and everyone is on vacation.

I will just have to do this on my own.

And, so what. Women have given birth for the entire history of mankind without classes and "preparations".

And when my friend said that thing of being prepared I thought.
Well. My job is to keep calm, confident and deliver the baby. The midwifes job is to over look the birth for any signs of things not progressing normally. I don't have to worry. I don't HAVE to do a million things to prepare for every imaginable scenario.

I just have to give birth to my baby. And that, I know, I can do.

Until then, I will do things that makes me feel relaxed and strong, such as walking, swimming, yoga, eating well, resting and enjoying life.

Too bad I didn't get to do the hypnobirthing course. But I have my cd's and will just have to use them as a way of practicing relaxation without any additional course material. It will be fine. I think all those years of dance training and body awareness will probably be a better resource than any 3-day course.

And no amount of courses or preparation can give you what you need the most. Which is faith in your bodys ability to birth normally.

Sleepless

And so you wake up from the baby kicking at the bladder, go to the bathroom and then can't go back to sleep. The joys of pregnancy. And tomorrow (well, today actually) is the only day of the entire week that I don't have a babysitter for toddler J. And coffee is not allowed. Hopefully toddler J will take a long nap midday and I might survive.

It is almost midsummer. Which means the sun hardly sets and the birds starts singing at 3 in the morning.

I don't know why I have a hard time getting back to sleep. Perhaps it is hormonal. It is def. not due to anxiety this time.

Saw my midwife today, was ofcourse super nervous of a high blood pressure. Since that's what got the circus going last time I get really worked up about it. It has become one of those trauma triggers for me.

Despite hardly breathing when the blood pressure was taken, I had 110/70. Excellent.

Am very relieved and grateful.

Also got to ask my midwife about the alledged pre eclampsia from my last birth. Got a thing or two sorted out. Apparently you don't even have pre-pre eclampsia, not even a tiniest bit of preeclampsia if your bloodtest doesn't show the liver or kidneys being affected.
I hadn't really understood that before.
From what they told me at the hospital before they let us go home, they had "debated" weather or not I had pre eclampsia and decided I didn't. It even says in an early note in my charts that I DO have pre eclampsia. But apparently I didn't and it's not up for discussion. If the liver and kidneys are not affected, you don't have it.

I was really surprised to hear that. And my midwife said "they probably wanted you to have pre eclampsia to justify their interventions".

Oh well. What can I say.

It doesn't make anything less traumatic, BUT it makes me feel less insecure. It makes the picture clearer. It was never me. It WAS them.

And ofcourse, I can understand that you can suspect something, like pre eclampsia, and act on it, without being certain. But there is just no excuse for the scare tactics and bullying. Not even if I HAD had full blown pre eclampsia.

I do feel stronger knowing that it was nothing wrong with me. That the midwife who called me from the hospital, told me my birth was completely normal and that medically forcing it was completley unneccessary was not just being nice. But truthful.

I HAD a normal birth. Until they destroyed it.

Had I had a calm and loving environment I might even have had a super easy birth. Baby J was in the best and easiest position to give birth. I never even experience "the ring of fire" when pushing him out. It honestly didn't hurt a bit. He was a perfect, average size with a perfect average sized head.
I think my very loose joints and all those years of dance training of being body concious and relaxing certain muscles while others are working payed off.
That I didn't tear badly and was surprised to find that 2 days later it was as if I had never given birth at all, also makes me believe that physically, birth really is not a big deal to the body type I have.

I never had pre eclampsia. My blood pressure was on the high side, but never got out of hand until the strated pumping me full of drugs.

So really.
How difficult can it be to give birth with out all the stress, drama and interventions?

It will be very interesting to see if my blood pressure will be on the high end at all this time. When I get to rest as much as I need through out pregnancy and don't push myself beyond my limits.

An insecurity I had the first time was all the birth stories I heard and read from other people. I felt like since I hadn't actually experienced birth I had no say in the matter. How could I even dare to think that birth could be easy and pain free?

Now that I actually have been through it I feel more entitled to my own opinion. I have experienced it. Take the horrid syntocinon (pictocin) out of the picture and I'm certain my birth would have been completley different.

This time I feel entitled to believe and am excited to find out how wonderful a normal birth can be.

Finally!

We have decided on a home birth midwife.
A ton of anxiety has lifted off my shoulders and I almost believe the dream of a peaceful birth at home will come true. There seem to be nothing that stands in the way of a home birth, after the initial interview anyway.

She didn't say a word about my asthma, which other midwives has warned me will be the reason the OB you need to see in w 35 will say no to a home birth. We will see I guess, but the dream seems within my reach, which is closer than it has seemed before.

Now I can put a lot of anxiety behind me and go on to cultivate my garden, as Voltaire suggested.

I'm just waiting for the last of the pollen to get the blooming done with, and then we're moving out in our country house and I'm going to focus on my strawberry garden.

Just hope we get to the berries before the slugs do.

Birth Story

Wifey has bought the film Birth Story from Itunes and we're going to see it tonight. If toddler J is willing to go to sleep at a resonable hour.

It's a documentary about the midwife Ina May Gaskin and the natural childbirth movement that started in the US in the 70s.

It is just what we need to get back on track after the ultrasound.

Wifey actually cried after the ultrasound. Neither of us was comfortable doing it. I think it was the whole context of the situation, besides the actual ultrasound.

Again, we were in a medical setting, wanting one thing that is very much against the norm, and being viewed as crazy people. Again, we had to explain ourselves. Defend our choices.
I didn't even bother to recite any of the research, though I would have if the midwife had questioned us.
Now, we were just viewed as weird.

And you know what, I can deal w that. Knowing that I do what is best for my child.
I couldn't care less.

It's like all those people who told me to stop breastfeeding, pushed formula, or gave me crappy advice that easily could have led to an end to mine and baby Js nursing.
They can say what they want.
Then can think I'm an insane person that still nurse my 2 year old on demand.
(And let me tell you, his demand of playing w his cars/busses/tractors/legos usually wins out over the nursing demand).

But, what I have is a healthy, happy, smart, calm and secure little man who sleeps through the night and bounces back remarkably quick the few times he gets a cold/fever.

So I'm very happy w the decision to solder on w the nursing, even when it was difficult.

And I'm not happy about having to do an ultrasound and disturbe Rose Bud in her little nest. But if 5 min of discomfort for her will be the key to a safe, calm and beautiful birth, then it has to be worth it.

Ultrasound

Yes, Lesbo Mama, or go on, just call me Hippie Mama, went against all the research she'd read and had a very quick ultrasound on Little Rose Bud.

All to protect my home birth.
If you can't be certain it isn't twins you're not eligible. And apparently ultrasound is the only way to know this for certain, according to the medical community.
That I was certain it's only one child is of no importance.
That ultrasound actually can miss both twins and triplets (the little miracles can be hiding behind eachother)didn't matter either.

So. We did it. We had a very fast and very uncomfortable ultrasound.
The baby is there (of course she is, I feel her move all the time).
She is alive, (of course she is, see above).
And the placenta is in an excellent position (no surprise there either. And even IF it would have been low, 98% of the time it moves as the uterus grows and presents no problem).

I don't think we had the exam for more than 3-5 min. Compared to the 20 mins that is usual.

Other than, as always, having to explain ourselves and being viewed as freaks, I think it went as well as it could have.

"Oh but this is what ALL parents look forward to!!!" the midwife said.

Yes, I am sure they do. And I am also sure they have not read the books nor the research I have or they would not be so excited.

"It is a chance to see your baby!".

Yes, lady, but, to be honest, have anyone ever seen the difference between babies in those blurry pictures the scan produces?

I was joking w wifey later that perhaps they just run a DVD of a random child on that screen and print a stereotype pic of a fetus for you to take home. Who can tell the difference anyway?

And, besides. I FEEL my child all the time. I bond w her through my body and my heart. I don't need a machine telling me she is there och to make me bond w her.

"Oh, look, the baby is waving at you!" the midwife said.

Yes, or perhaps raising her hands to protect her ears, which is very common, since ultrasound produces atlest 80 decibel for the baby in the womb.

Don't get me wrong. I think it is great the technology exists; IF needed.

If I had a severe bleeding, suspected a misscarriage, if I had had several misscarriges, a known genetic defect in the family etc, etc, etc I would absolutley have an ultrasound. Because I would gain information relevant to the situation.

The only "information" we got was that according to statistic messurements, the babys due date got moved + 1 week.

We are lesbians. We inseminate. The frozen sperm is not as hardy as fresh sperm and doesn't live as long. That it swam around in my body for more than 1,5 week before conception is just not possible.
To add to the odds, I had very short cycles. So my guess is our estimated due date was a bit generous to begin w.

Perhaps baby just decided to grow her head another milimeter a week later than her peers.

It seems very ridiculous. But. Common sense has no place in the era of machines and statistics.

So, our due date has changed and I will most likely give birth in week 38-39, instead of week 39-40.

Oh well. At least they can't force an induction on me for going past my due date as easily. :)

V 21

After 3 weeks of vacation by the sea more than half the pregnancy has passed.
I did prenatal yoga a couple of times. But mostly just alternated between the beach, the pool and the spa. Letting toddler J set the agenda for each day. Mommies tagging along while he ran, swam and dug his way through our days.
Lovely times.

I did read Orgasmic Birth


and Bountiful, beautiful, blissful.


Wifey and I talked about giving birth and all that happened last time. Each time I read of normal births I feel so cheated out of mine. Because mine WAS normal. But the made us think otherwise to get their way.
They took my and my babys birth from us and I can never get that back. I will never know why. Perhaps just because they were short on rooms. I go crazy thinking about it. I have to accept that it happened but I don't know how I can do that.I think the biggest obstacle is that I can't guarantee I won't end up in the hospital this time. I have no control over what will happen by the end of pregnancy. And IF we do, how can I survive another trauma like that?
How can I ever trust these people ever again after all they did to us the first time?

Other than that, vacation was a time to rest from all the preparations and work involved in preparing for a home birth.

I still need to write down my birth story for the hypnobirthing class we're taking. I've started so many times but get caught in the trauma and can't go on. I feel like I did when I was giving birth; like I'm on trial. Like I have to defend myself, explain myself, fight against people w all the power an no empathy.

Next week we're meeting the homebirth midwife. I feel really nervous. I'm scared I won't click w her and then we have to go on trying to find others. It's very uncommon w home births in Swe, so it's not exactly a big market to choose from.
Maybe I'm just oversensitive. BUT I promised myself I would listen to my intuition this time when it comes to who's allowed to participate in the birth of my next child.
We will see I guess. It is a tricky business trying to rely on your insticts and intuition when you are also traumatized and get anxious by very little.
My goal is to do yoga atleast every other day to keep myself grounded and centered.

I am atleast happy w the hypnobirth woman we found, she seems to be on the same wavelenght as us. I'm excited both to try hypnosis for the trauma and to get the hypnobirthing tools for wifey and me to use at the next birth.

RMDR and hypnosis, and to certain extent CBT, has great track records for working w trauma. Though I believe, as I read in orgasmic birth, that birth trauma - like rape - is such a physical trauma it is difficult to heal with "talk therapy". I'm also thinking since cortex is (at least primed to be if the mother is not too disturbed and interrupted) dormant during birth, the trauma becomes so primal, so ingrained in our most basic functions it is difficult to reach through reason.
Yes, trauma is always this way.
But when giving birth a woman is so vulnerable and receptive. You have to be to stay in touch with your baby and the birht process. All the information you have of your baby and your body and it needs. All that information that gets completely ignored by the so called professionals.
I was so vulnerable. Unable to express myself. To my big surprise, my defense was not fight, nor flight. When they coerced their medications on me under the threath that my baby would not live other wise my mind chose 2 things.
To stay calm in the face of panic and to chose the last defence; freeze.

Perhaps I did the best I could. I knew staying calm was the only thing I could do to help my baby. And I did that to the best of my ability. Even if that meant I didn't object out loud to all the things I screamed NO!!! at on the inside. Even if that meant I was apologetic and polite to the people that hurt me and my child.
I realised I had no support, no one on my side. And I decided to go into myself and do the best I could to support myself and my child through the nightmare.

Now that I know this could be the way I react in childbirth, it feels even more vital that I surround myself ONLY w support. Only w people who believe in me and my birth. That I surround myself only with love.

The thing that makes me so sure that what I experienced was real is that the few ones I did NOT experience as a stressful, pessimistic influence was; the narcotic doctor who laid the epidural. There is no way what so ever that this person who was 1, a man (which I specifically asked not to have present at my birth) and 2. did something I was not willing to do (have an epidural), would in any way be calming. But. There was something in his demenor, his energy, his way of interacting that made me feel calm and safe. He was not a stressed and pessimistic person waiting for disaster.
Which makes me even more certain that my reading of all the other people involved in my first birth were correct and not imagined out of my own fear.

The second person was the midwife who was present when baby J was born.
When I later spoke to her on the phone, she said; when I walked into the room I saw a mother who was beyond exhausted and who was going to give birth to her baby.
She saw me.
And I felt it.
She knew I was going to give birth to my baby. And I felt her faith in me. And that faith was what I needed after all the negative people, all the threats, all the depressing and suffocating, stressful and nervous energy that told me bascially everyone was just waiting for the doctor to call it quits and to do a cesarian.

I just needed someone to see me. And someone to believe in me. As I desperately tried to continue to do despite all they said and did to undermine my birth.
She did. And I remember that. I remember how it felt. Though it was never anything she uttered with words.
And that kind of faith, or love if you will, is what I need to surround myself with in my second birth.

For just as birth is a sensitive window where you can be damaged beyond understanding, so it is a window for healing without words. And that is what I'm hoping for this second time.

Today

I am grateful for the baby growing inside me.
I am grateful for my Beautiful toddler J who is developing quicker than a ray of light.
I am grateful for being a mother.
I am grateful for wifey standing beside me, holding my hand through it all.
I am grateful that we didn't lose eachother in the pain of all that happened to us.
I am grateful that we are family, we have faith, we are strong.
I am grateful that the greatest of all is love.

V.14 + 0

Today I woke up and felt sorry for myself and my aching body. Had hot chocolate for breakfast; and Hello morning sickness!
Sugar just doesn't agree w my babies. Or if it's the caffeine.

I am so ready for the "morning" (24/7) sickness to be over with. I think it lasted until week 14 last time. But today does not seem like a promise of better days...

I'm trying not to turn this into a trauma blog. But giving birth and that awful experience at the hospital last time is pretty much all I think about. I laid awake between 2 and 6 this morning just going over and over it in my mind.

And I decided two things;
I will not put my foot in a hospital again. It is not safe.
I will have to find a way to heal and get past this.

I am trying to figure out what I need to feel better and deal with all the anxiety and trauma. Laying awake instead of getting well needed sleep is not very constructive.

I don't feel like taking another birth-class. Since they all are adapted to the medical way of giving birth. Even the pre natal yoga class I took last time was not focused on natural child birth. The woman who gave it had a horrible birth (in hospital) herself and got so traumatized she got psychotic afterwards.
Not very uplifting.
(And I still don't understand why she did downward facing dog during her labour. Wouldn't you want to work WITH gravity?).

What I am looking for is some sort of support. Some sort of haven. People who actually believe, and preferably have experienced, that women can birth normally.

For now, what I have is my beloved DVD of the turban-lady pre natal yoga. I start crying everytime I do it. Which is also a reason not to take public pre natal yoga class right now.
I think it's a reaction that says a lot of how I simply shut down my body during the hospital trauma. Now I'm trying to awake it. And even though it's painful I think it is also a way to begin to heal.

Turban yoga lady says there is no fear in love. And I believe her. And I do love my baby growing inside me. And that will be the focus that will help me let go of the fear.

"Love Is The Opposite Of Fear"

..says the crazy-turban-lady with the funny name. Leading the prenatal yoga class I so fell in love with while pregnant w baby J. The class I was always too tired to do, since I then chose work before my health, well being, pregnancy and baby.
This will not happen again.

This is a new pregnancy. A new beginning. A new journey. And I have no room for fear. Stress. Anxiety. All the things that broke and splintered me last time.

I am a mother, a woman, a being, not a machine. I will not let this fast-paced modern world drive me away from the strength and innate wisdom of my body.
I can give birth.

I think of the trauma of the birth of baby J. And instead of feeling like a failure I choose to remember what a midwife told me afterwards.
There I was, in her office. Sweating, crying, traumatized, not been able to sleep for days. Baby J and wifey pacing the courtyard outside her office.
My story of the horrific birth was like a vomit. I could not stop it. I spewed it out all over this unknown, calm, sympathetic woman.

She said;
"...and despite of all this. You still gave birth to you baby."
Despite.
You.
Gave.
Birth.

And yes, this is what I now carry with me.
Despite of it all.
We had our triumph.

They did not rip my baby from my body.
They did all the things I asked them not to do. Bereft. Raped. I could not protect myself, nor my beloved baby. I failed as a mother. They took it all from me. They gave me drugs I refused, that made my body revolt in allergic reactions, they pumped me full with all the things I knew were bad for me and my baby. They stripped me naked and put me in hospital wear, though I had asked to wear my own clothes. They stripped me of all integrity and the last of my humanity. I was just a naked body to them. Another animal led to the slaughter. I was alone in utter darkness.

After my allergic shock to the epidural - that they told me I HAD TO HAVE for them to LET me rest after 2,5 day without sleep - they left me alone.
Alone for a while in that horrid room. And they all expected a cesarian. I knew it as certain as if they had said it out loud.
What they did say was:
"They (who? the doctors? refering to themselves in 3d person?) will not LET you labour for forever".
"The baby will not be born until earliest next night (= too far off = cesarian). "

And what did we do? Baby J and I?
When left alone I concentrated on my breathing, on relaxing. Wifey fell asleep in the other end of the room.
Baby J, perhaps feeling the change in environment and in my body when the room was empty of unknown people, pessimistic energy and hurtful interventions; moved down my pelvis.

I rested for a while; which I had asked to do the past 2 days, request being declined. Instead being stressed w interventions and medications to force forth my baby without my bodys consent.

After the rest I gave birth to Baby J in 45 min.
My baby and I.
We birthed.


I want to say unassisted. For what little I asked for (someone holding my leg which cramped) was ignored.
Instead I got instructions on how to push which I, in turn, whole heartedly ignored. My body was telling me what to do. There was no chance in hell I was going to listen to these people who had done nothing but hurt me and my baby.

"Is your contraction over?"
Asked the midwife.
"Yes", I said. Fully knowing it wasn't, and that she could see on the monitor that I was lying. I did not care. My body told me not to push harder, so I didn't.

"I know this hurts", the midwife said, repeatedly. Like a mantra.
"No, actually it doesn't so just shut the f*ck up and let me concentrate!" I thought. But said nothing out loud.

My baby was born without me breaking or tearing in any serious way.
I can't help thinking that if I had ignored my body and listened to them, I might have torn as badly as the other women I've talked to.

So what is left now?
I remember the terror.
The darkness.
The feeling of utter powerlessness.

I remember giving up and shutting down communication with the outside world, when I realised nothing I wanted or needed was respected. When I realised that these people were not going to help me, support me or believe in me and my birth.

When I realised that all I had left was myself and that single thought; "don't panic, try to relax."
I told myself the baby was not going to die. And I didn't really care anymore what happened to me nor my body after all the violations that had left me an empty shell. No longer connected or in control over what they did to my body.

And despite.
Despite all this.
I gave birth.

I birthed my baby. We did it together. Baby J. As strong as the fiercest gladiator. Never wavering, never an uneven heartbeat, never giving them an excuse to terminate our labour. Soldering on. My strong, calm little boy. We did it. They took it all from me. They hurt me in ways that left me scarred for life.
But this trauma can not take take from me that I did it.
I gave birth to my child.
Despite all they did to me, my body and my baby.

There is something stronger than fear.
And it protected us when I thought I had nothing left.
Love.

And So We Meet Again...

Remember the extreme tiredness from pregnancy #1?
It's back! With an extra side order of toddler intensity.

As I promised, both myself, wifey, Toddler J and my midwife, I would take better care of myself this pregnancy. Meaning going on sick leave when too tired to work.
Oh, the anxiety. Martin Luther (the old one, not Dr King)is rolling over in his hard working grave.

Besides asthma, allergies and being low in iron, I can now add an underactive thyroid to the list of possible fatigue causers.
My best bet is asthma and allergies, since I was this exhausted last pregnancy too, without the thyroid going crazy.
I felt better towards the end, which my asthma doctor later told me was very common when it came to pregnancy and asthma.

So here I am. Barley in week 12 and on sick leave.
I feel relieved to not have to sit at work and take care of other people while just wanting to die myself from feeling exhausted, nauseous and stressed out.
I feel guilty for being on sick leave and not working to support myself like a proper person.
But, as I tell my patients daily, anxiety will pass in time.

Now I will take a well needed nap while Toddler J is out in the sun w grandma.

The Hunger Game

...when you just can't go back to sleep at 5.30 in the morning because you just HAVE to EAT.

2 rye bread sandwiches w cheese (yes, I can eat cheese this time)later I feel more like a human being and less like a black hole ready to implode of hunger.

As for the nausea. If it's anything like the last time; just 3-4 more weeks to go! (Yes I know it might seem like a lot, but it is a WHOLE lot better than having 8 weeks to go!)

Besides being able to eat cheese, the biggest difference this pregnancy is that I'm still nursing toddler J. It is not as uncomplicated as I thought it would be.
The nausea and over all pregnancy sensitivity makes nursing pretty miserable for mama. As for toddler J; the more I pull back, the more desperately he wants to nurse.
Of course, it could be a normal increase, due to us spending more time apart when I work etc. Had I not been nauseous and miserable I might not have given it a second thought.

I still let him nurse, of course. But try to distract him with other things when possible. Hopefully it will feel better once the nausea settles.

Ok. Gotta go. Toddler J is pulling at my leg and calling for attention.

Leap Forward...

... bouncing back is out of style.

The phantom signs were my new little rose announcing her presence.

This pregnancy will be same, same but different. I have decided to not go crazy this time. Not be anxious. Not terrified. What will be will be. I will try to enjoy my baby and have peace of mind this time.

It is not easy when you feel sick 24/7 and just want to crawl away under a blanket to die. I have told wifey this is def. the last time I'm pregnant. I'm sick of feeling sick, I'm sick of feeling exhausted, I'm sick of being bound by someone either living in my body or feeding off of it, or both. After almost 3 years, I'm ready to have some space of my own back.

That's when you call in Grandma to babysit so you can enjoy your nausea without energetic Toddler J jumping at your belly at the same time.

Do I sound ungrateful? I don't mean to.

I am ofcourse superhappy to be pregnant. It couldn't have come at a better time, for a myriad of reasons.

The Danish midwife who told us not to try. "You can not become pregnant" were her exact words over the phone. First; stop breastfeeding, second; wait for at least 6 months. That was their advice.
Their weary eyes when we showed up anyway.

Well... what can I say?
Trust your bodies ladies, not statistics!
Leap forward!

Phantom Pregnancy Signs

Nausea

Extreme tiredness

Pulling feeling in the uterus

All of this can be attributed to flu season, poor sleep due to bed sharing w toddler and having done an IUI.

This weekend is the earliest we can take a test. I'm trying to keep a moderate level of hope and entusiasm as the last cycles 8 neg. pregnancy tests were a real spirit breaker.