Who's afraid of the Big Bad Birth?

Today wifey and I had an interesting experience. (Ok, Baby was there too, but she slept through most of the meeting).

We had a scheduled appointment at the hospital to talk about my "fear of delivery". This is the only way you can get a referral to talk to the maternity ward before hand apparently.
The funny thing is I have no fear what so ever of the delivery, give or take a few times earlier in my pregnancy when I was exhausted and read that horrid book about pain in childbirth ("Att hantera förlossningssmärtan").

I do however have a "fear" of the medical view of birth and all the complications that can bring with it.

I understand the hospital's side of it all; their job is basically to constantly check me and the baby for a number of potential signs of things not being normal in me birthing my baby. They are also used to women being scared, uninformed and needing a lot of help and guidance. Their number one method of providing this is pain relievers during the birthing(not pre-preparation during pregancy).

However, having read all that I have read and having the attitude I have about it; I don't think that is the best environment for me to have my baby in.
But since home births are forbidden in this country if you are a first time mother to be, we have no options. Unless we want to pay for the midwives ourselves, and that will cost way more than a pram, let me tell you. (We are in chock over how much a proper pram will cost us).

I so wish I could birth calmly, safely and uninterrupted with midwives who had some objective view of the medical model. Who will put it to use if neccessary and not focus on it, when it's not needed.
Who will strengthen me, be a mental and emotional positive support and encourage me to have my baby the way my body was designed to. Who will believe in me, my body, my baby and our ability to birth normally, and not question me all the time.

The response we got from todays meeting was somewhere along the lines of;
-Yes, but how will you handle the pain?
-Yes, but what if you can't handle the pain, have you thought about it then?
-Yes, but we might have to use Syntocinon to help things along.
-Well, what if you are so exhausted you need an epidural?

Pain, pain, pain... Sorry, I thought I was birthing a baby, not entering a chamber of torture?

A friends mother (who is not Swedish) said the other day; "Ah, these Swedish women giving birth, all they do is scream and focus on the pain. You need to be quiet, save your energy and focus on birthing your baby."
Amen!

Movie time!

Wifey and I have watched the documentaries The Business of Being Born and Orgasmic Birth.

They are both documentaries portraying Hospital Births in America, and I think things are quite different here in Europe. Still, I think it's a good overview of medical birth and why it is counterproductive for most healthy women. I've read a wide variety of birth books, both on "standard" medical births and home births/unassisted births/natural births.
To each her own, and to me the books that appealed to me the most and made most sense are the ones on natural births.

I know a lot of women feel that hospitalized births and painrelievers are a basic human right. As in; why suffer when you don't have to? I think it's great to have them for those who want them.

I'm just really interested in the idea that suffering and child birth does not go hand in hand. That the uninformed, unnatural, medicalized approach to child birth is what creates the suffering.

After all the years of dancing, I just trust my body to function like it was designed to. And I do believe that my body and my baby knows perfectly well how to birth if left uninterrupted.

I guess I will find out for myself in about 3 months time.

The Rainbow Parenting Group

(You might think that I couldn't possibly find a more hideous costume than the rainbow costume featured in an earlier post. Well, think again; a rainbow chicken!)

I'm gonna be very brief about the Rainbow parenting group, eventhough this is a semi-anonymous blog. It's a small world after all.

We were about 11 people. 8 lesbian couples and one couple with 3 men and one woman. They consisted of a straight couple and a gay couple. The woman in the straight couple was having a baby with the men in the gay couple. The man in the straight couple was not to be a father per se, if I understood it correctly.
All the lesbians in the group were expecting their second child and the straight man had a child from a previous realtionship. So I guess wifey, I and the gay guys were the only first time parents.

The meeting was a bit brief, 1,5 hr. And there was not a lot of room for such a big group to let everyone talk. I think the topics of becoming a first time parent, lesbian parenting, giving birth, what it feels like to expect a baby but not carry it yourself etc, that wifey and I were more interested in talking about, got lost somewhere on the way. Or rather, there was never any chance to bring any of it up.

Still, some of the topics were interesting, like hearing about the experiences of the lesbian families with their children. We'll see what the next meeting will bring. I might try to be a bit more assertive and bring up stuff wifey and I are interested in talking/asking about.

Paso double?

Lately Baby and I have been watching season 7 of So you think you can dance?
Baby must have been inspired by last nights paso doble, I think she's been practicing all night long.
(Shows like this is def. targeting pregnant women with wild hormones. I cry when they audition, I cry when they dance beautifully, I cry when they get a ticket to Vegas, I cry when they get cut. I cry when they exceed expecations, I cry when they fail. It's all very cathartic.)

I'm starting to feel huge. When I turn over in bed, I must do it slowly so my bump will travel with me.

Other than that, we actually have SUN here in Sthlm today. I must go out and get me some, despite of the sleep depravation. I think I might take a walk to look at some baby clothes.
We do have a zillion already, after wifey's older sister gave us 13 boxes. But still, you do want to chose some for yourself. I also want a cute outfit in organic cotton that is absolutely new and that baby will wear on our way home from the hospital. (This is my attempt to create that goal image they talked about in the Profylax class).

Also, just because we are lesbians, we do not need to dress baby in un-matching outfits. It's great to have a bunch of clothes to choose from, but they also need to go together. Lovely pieces can end up being a fashion disaster if used carelessly. Ok, you might not care when it's 3 o clock in the morning and Baby has puked and pooped all over everything. But you know, for washing up and going out (if that ever happens?).

Tonight is the first night of Rainbow parent group. Will be very interesting to see who is there. I think the midwife said we'll be about 14 people. Both me and wifey has gone through our ex-dating lists to make sure we are safe from uncomfortable meetings. Memo to self; just in case; look smashing!

The dress that never made it to Guldbaggengalan, might make an appearance at tonight's Rainbow parent group.

Never Ending Story

Tired- cold- slight fewer - tired - cold etc etc etc.
Seems like I will never get well and rested. Last night I went to the bathroom atleast 5 times, maybe more. Baby must be pressing on my bladder. Not what I call a restful night's sleep. Woke up with my cold being worse than it has been the past week.

Being pregnant is a full time job. I'm sure if men were the ones who were pregnant it would be possible to stay at home with full pay from the day of conception.

Yes, yes, I know, I'm tired and cranky.

Last time we saw our midwife she said "being pregnant hasn't been fun for you, has it?".
But I couldn't agree. It's not the being pregnant part; it's having to keep up the rest of your life while nauseaus, exhausted, having constant infections etc that isn't fun.
Baby is lovely and I do love being pregnant. I just wish I didn't have to keep up with everyday life at the same time.

I still have a week of sleeping ahead of me (THANK GOD) before I have to go back to work. I really do want to work. I have so many loose ends I want to tie up before going on maternity leave. I just hope I can muster the energy to do it.

Tonight I was supposed to go with wifey to Guldbaggegalan, the Swedish version of the Oscars. She will have to take her dad as her date instead.
I'm dating the pillow.

That's how much fun I am to live with.

Wifey is amazing. I don't know how she can be so patient and stay so calm and loving.

Take this past weekend for instance; we go out to buy me a dress (to wear to Guldbaggegalan) and really made a bargain (we paid 160 kr, instead of 545 kr). It's a useful dress; a black maternity dress one could wear to many occations. We also found some organic cotton baby clothes on sale. All in all, we got a lot of clothes for a HUGE discount.
Still I get distressed over the money we're spending, now that I'm on sickleave and not sure what it will cost me.

We get home with yours truly exhausted, as always, and very cranky. I think buying me a pineapple and settle in for the night under my blankets might be my only option.
Wifey has to go to work for a few hrs. When I'm getting back from the store our building is closed off due to a smoke alarm. There are police and firemen all over the place and I'm not allowed back in. I almost started crying right then and there and wanted to scream; I'm pregnant, I have to go to bed, I don't care if the building is on fire!
I instead call wifey in tears, and she takes me to work with her in a taxi.

I am so miserable I can't stop crying even at her work. Luckily, there are not a lot of people around.
Wifey puts me in a viewing room with a large sofa and I curl up under our jackets, cry and eat chocolate ice cream (yes, good-bye sugar policy), while wifey runs back and forth beteween me and her clients that just flew in from the US.
I fall asleep to a tv show about princesses trying to date British men, after eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's Phish food.

Then it's home again in a taxi with me in a slightly better mood after my nap.

The next morning, it's the same story all over again. Something sets me off and I start crying and whining and we don't have time to eat a proper lunch before our Profylax class. We grab a quick lunch in the subway on our way there.
I'm in a "I'm so big and fat and hideous" cranky, weepy mood, and only order a sallad with no dressing before the 3,5 hr class.
Which of course leaves me starving and I can't focus the last hour and a half.

The teacher talks about bringing your own food to the delivery room, and there I go, planning what to bring and thinking about all the food I want to eat. Right now.

We do a "mirror " exercise where I'm supposed to say something and wife say it back to me.
I say "I'm hungry", meaning I can't really concentrate on this silly exercise.
Wifey says, with empathy " you are hungry.".
"No, you don't understand, I'm starving!"
"You are starving" wifey earnestly says.
I give up and go to the bathroom.

Just before I am certain I will pass out from hunger we do a final exercise. We are to close our eyes and imagine the first time we are home with our baby. Snuggly tucked into bed, the three of us. With baby sleeping between us.
I start crying.
Of course.

Ravenous

If I haven't gained much weight so far, I most def. will now. I am so hungry all the time it's ridiculous. I can't go to sleep at night and have to get back up and get a glass of milk and a sandwich.
What are you doing in there baby? Do you really need all this energy? I hope so...

I'm very stern on my no-sugar policy.
Ok, I had some oatmeal cookies Sunday night after the Profylax-course. Other than that; no sugar for 2 weeks and 2 days. Good mommy!

#2 The Danes; Roskilde, Tuborg and baby making

Denmark; our neighbour approx. 7-9 hrs south by car from Stockholm.
In my youth Denmark meant the Roskilde festival, beer and the odd class trip in high school. Despite Roskilde, Denmark and Copenhagen has never been a place I long to visit. Perhaps it's too many days spent being exhausted, hungover and muddy, desperately killing time until your train leaves after the festival. Maybe it was all those time you ate that bad pizza buffét after living off of red wine, Matilda chocolate milk and chili nuts for a week at Roskilde. I don't know how many times I've gone to the movies in Copenhagen, just to have somewhere to nap until the train leaves.

Or perhaps it was that boring school trip, having to walk around in a group with all those classmates you had nothing in common with. Yes, you know, those who got drunk and fell asleep in the shower with their clothes on later the same night at the youth hostel.
While you chain-smoked Marlboro red's, read Herman Hesse and rolled your eyes at how childish they were with your best friend.

Now that Denmark was our option to make our baby-dream come true - I really had to do something about my attitude.

We talked to a friend who'd spent a lot of time in Copenhagen, and got tips on cosy cafés, fantastic brunch venues and nice neighbourhoods for evening strolls. The first time we went, to look at the clinic, we actually both got stomach flu, and I did an old refuge to the movie theather to have somewhere to sit in the dark w my eyes closed until it was time to go to the airport.
What a nightmare that trip was!
The second time we opted for a romantic weekend, since one of us were working in town prior to that. We stayed at the hotel God forgot and payed a fortune for a ridiculous room with stained furniture and shaggy carpets with spots, where the bed broke the last night.
So much for romance.
The two times we inseminated we had our car; thank God! And just got out of there afterwards.
I'm still not crazy about the town, but it does have a closer place to my heart after being the place where baby was concieved.

In Denmark there are a lot of private clinics for babymaking, both very well known, and some not so well known.
We did our research and called around. We chose the clinic where they actually spoke English on the phone (despite what you might think, Sthlm Swedes and Danes do not automatically understand eachother, and you don't want any misunderstandings while embarking on a process that will cost you your lifesavings).

Since we wanted a donor with extensive background information (more on this later in the "chosing a donor" post), a European donor was out of the question.

The clinic we chose had experience of importing semen before, so we felt we were in good hands.

This is a tip if you have certain requirements about your donor/the process; call around! As I mentioned earlier there are different regulations at different clinics depending on if the clinic has medical doctors in their staff or not.
Now, this is not clear, and nothing you get information about. We were very confused at first as to why one clinc was not allowed to help us with a certain donor, but another one could.

So don't get disheartened if the clinic you talk to can't accomodate your wishes; call someone else!

After you've found a clinic that feels right, the first step in the process is a "journal samtal"; an interview where the midwife at the clinic ask you basic questions about your health and you can ask questions about the insemination process.
Since we'd found a donor we really wanted and was under a bit of time pressure to buy the semen and have it delivered to the clinic; we chose to go there in person to have the interview. We were going to invest a lot of money if we chose to have our semen delivered to the clinic and stored there, and there was no sending it back, or to some other place after that.
It felt better to meet with them in person, to make sure it felt right before we decided this was were we, hopefully, would have Baby, and her siblings.

Otherwise it is also possible to have this conversation over the phone, which a lot of people do.

The interview, or rather; conversation, was very pleasant. We were met and respected as a family and as two parents to be, not as a mother and her partner.
There was no standard protocol with discriminatory questions they just HAD to ask (like how many times we'd had intercourse to produce a child, or whatever it is they ask in Sweden).

We also talked about donors, having a donor child and how our thought process was in chosing the one we've chosen.

If you prefer, you don't have to chose yourself, the clinic can chose a donor for you.

All the paper work for our semen and storing it at the clinic was handled via e-mail and was very unproblematic.

The next step was timing your ovulation and try the IUI, which I've written about in earlier blogpost.

Voila!
And now we have baby, our little night owl and early bird. She dances energetically at bedtime and in the morning when she wakes me. She is probably training me for when she'll be with us in the outside world, keeping us up all hours of the night.

Oh, and I forgot... ; Sweden part 3

Before I get into the Danes, I forgot one of the pivotal requirements for being allowed to inseminate in Sweden.
You can't be too old and you can't be too fat.
In Sthlm, the age limit for the woman inseminating is 38 yrs old and the fat limit is BMI 30.

I understand it differs somewhat in different parts of Sweden, some allow you to be as "old" as 40-42 but some also have an age-limit for your partner. She can't be 50+.

I might have forgotten some other rules and regulations, they are plentiful you see. But I hope you have some picture of the system (I'm not sure I do).

Carrot jucie and baby dance

Carrot juice! An old love rediscovered!
As a child, my mother worked in a health food store and often brought us home carrot juice in frozen little containers. I was so crazy about them, I couldn't let them defrost but ate them frozen.
Well, consider the love reinstated.
I could, probably, drink liters of the stuff. It is so heavenly, amazingly delicious! (Wifey doesn't agree). I try to buy only one container a day, not to go overboard. (But I buy the biggest one).

Other than that my sleepy existance is a very comfortable one. I am easily tired but try to get out and get some fresh air atleast once a day.

Yesterday we went on a Profylax course (sort of like Lamaze I think) for 3 hours. I was beat afterwards, ran a bit of a fewer and slept for 11 hrs. I love being pregnant when I can just follow the body's lead and not have to exhaust myself every day to the point of tears.
We were the only lesbian couple in the group. It was ok however. The woman who held it didn't once use "mummy/daddy, husband/wife, man/woman" or the like. But consistantly used the word partner and woman giving birth.
Am, however, looking forward to the Rainbow parenting group where we will be norm and not the exception.
It starts next week.

Now that I'm resting so much, the baby moves all through the day, not just timidly at bedtime. She's turning, kicking, nudging and streching. I'm sure she'll be an awesome dancer one day. If she want's to.

#1 Sweden vs. Denmark; the Way of the Swedes - Part 2

Ah, my attempt at a structured blog post, became instead my most un-structured ever.
I don't know if I should blame the fatigue, or just the bureaucratic system.
As our midwife in Denmark said; they had clients from Russia, Italy, Germany etc. And no other system was as difficult to understand and keep up with as the Swedish. So they had given up trying.

One thing I forgot about the Swedish experience is that before you are allowed to start the IUI process, you need to meet with a councellor at the hostpital.

The councellor (a meek woman with a lose handshake, according to reliable sources)will then interview you according to standard form.
Standard form meaning the same questions they ask straight, infertile couples.
Such as; for how long have you tried to concieve a baby etc. And yes, they do know that you are a lesbian couple; it says on the referral. (You didn't just bring your sister because your husband had to work).
But protocol is protocol. Everyone has to follow the rules.

Another thing that differs with lesbian couples vs. straight couples is that you actually have two potential birthmothers.
However, since there is only one birthmother in a straight couple, only one woman of the lesbian couple is allowed to inseminate.
There is no going back once you've chosen who's going to carry the baby. If you are unfortunate and can't conceive, your partner is not allowed to have a go instead. Also, if you or your partner already have a donor child prior, the other is not allowed to have a baby within the system.

So, how come there are no private options in Sweden? If you really DO want to pay to be able to forgo this uncertain, unproductive and uncomfortable process?

It's against the law. It doesn't matter that it won't cost the state a krona. (I guess it would actually make them a bunch of tax money instead). It is just not allowed. And as long as our social minister is a right-wing born again Christian, I don't see much changes coming on.
There is just not much interest in adapting the process to same-sex families. I get the feeling you should just be grateful you are let in at all.

I don't know what the climate is like in Denmark. But they left a loophole in the law. The law in Denmark states only medical doctors are not allowed to inseminate besides following certain procedures.
Leaving the midwifes free to baby-bless as many lesbians, singel women and star-families as they have time to.

So that's why we all pack up and go to Denmark.

#1 Sweden vs. Denmark; the Way of the Swedes

Welcome to my first attempt of a more structured blog post with a topic.
As I promised my friend J, I would make it about why we chose to go to Denmark over going through the process here in Sweden.

Oh, let me count the ways... (to quote Elizabeth Barrett Browning).

In 2005 a change of law made it possible for lesbian coupled women to inseminate via the healthcare system in Sweden. In the same manner that heterosexual women with partners and infertility problems had been able to do for a zillion years prior.

This is still not allowed for singel women, gay or straight.

Part of the prerequisites is being a part of a couple AND having lived together for a minimum of 2 years prior to insemination. Registerd partnership (as we had before we were allowed to get married like normal people)/marriage would suffice.

(There goes the spontatious; meeting the love of ones life and starting a family the next day for lack of reasons to delay any further; that straight, fertile couples can enjoy).

Once you are accepted into the system, they really strive to make it as equal as possible. The system is arranged for straight couples with fertility problems. However, being a lesbian couple, the lack of babies are often not due to infertility.
Still, you have to go through all the screenings and examinations that is required for a full fertility scan.

I didn't mind the bloodtest; giving away a bit of blood for them to check my hormones in various stages of one's cycle didn't matter much.
The bloodtest showed excellent hormon curves. I don't know how surprised I should have been? I don't even have PMS, and besides a miserable period on the pill as a teenager, I have never had any hormonal difficulties.

You AND your partner also have to leave bloodtest to rule out any STDs, including HIV/AIDS. Ok, not a big deal either. (But this is the part where I think they atleast could have found out my bloodtype and told me I was RH negative. All those unnecessary test, and none useful... ).

Next part was ultrasound. After later reading up on ultrasound, I do half-way regret letting them shove an ultrasound stick into my babymaking parts just to confirm that; yes you have ovaries, yes, you have eggs in them, and yes everything looks normal.

Now, for someone who's had cycles as regular as clockwork since she was 14 and only tried to NOT get pregnant before, that info seemed kind of useless.
-Hmm, there are no problems, let's look for problems; surprise, there ARE no problems.

The next step of the process is where we got stuck. HSG; hysterosalpingogram.

"What is a hysterosalpingogram?
A hysterosalpingogram, or HSG is an important test of female fertility potential. The HSG test is a radiology procedure usually done in the radiology department of a hospital or outpatient radiology facility.

Radiographic contrast (dye) is injected into the uterine cavity through the vagina and cervix.


The uterine cavity fills with dye and if the fallopian tubes are open, dye fills the tubes and spills into the abdominal cavity.
This determines if the fallopian tubes are open or blocked and whether a blockage is located at the junction of the tube and uterus (proximal) or whether it is at the other end of the fallopian tube (distal). These are the areas where the tube is most commonly blocked. "

They advice you to take pain medicine beforehand, since you will have cramps. And sometimes quite painful ones.

So let me be a bit clearer; what they do is that they spray your uterus, tubes and baby-eggs with contrast-fluids.
The same kind they used on my friend with Hodgkins to find out where her cancer tumors were located.

Besides being an intrusive procedure, and painful, the idea of spraying my eggs with chemicals was just not appealing. You can do the procedure with water instead of chemicals, which I considered briefly as an option.
It is, however, not NATURAL to have ANYTHING in you uterus except for eggs, sperms and babies.

I looked at the statistics just among our friends;
of all the people we knew (8 lesbians and 1 hetero)only the hetero had actually had, what they thought was, a blockage.
She did, however, know that she had had a tube inflammation in her teen years due to clamydia and she and her husband had unsuccessfully tried for years to concieve a child.
She went on to have surgery for the blockage, which was very painful. Only to have the doctors tell her that her tubes were in fact fine.
As with all technology, finding a "problem" doesn't really mean one actually exists.
(Btw, she now, years later, has a happy, healthy little boy who loves to roll around on the floor. Despite of the unnecessary surgery of her tubes, I might add).

So, no one else we knew had any blockage after doing the HSG. Everyone had done it, quoting various reasons such as; I didn't know we had a choice, I wanted to make sure everything was ok before spending money on insemination, it felt good getting a clean bill of health, etc.

All valid reasons.

Still it didn't seem resonable to me.

I have never had any STDs, I have no reason to suspect infertility; I have never had any pains, irregular periods or anything out of the ordinary suggesting to me my body does not function properly.
I have, however, spent years trying to eat as organic as possible to not pollute my body with chemicals, since I always knew I wanted to carry a baby. I have avoided cigarettes, alcohol, caffeine, additives, in periods even sugar, to keep my body clean from unnecessary stress and toxins.

And now I was asked to spray chemicals right on my eggs, in my tubes and in my womb; the future home of our tiny, sensitive and developing baby.

No thank you.

And with that decision, Sweden was no longer an option.

In Denmark, you have to pay for the process yourself, but you also just need to have a standard set of bloodtest checking for STDs.

Should we have continued our process in Sweden, the next step would have been waiting in line for 1:3 years.
That can be a lot of wasteful time if you're 30+ and longing for a baby (with later siblings). The clock is ticking...

From friends who tried the Swedish system I've also gathered that you don't have much option in timing.
They ask you to test your ovulation only once a day (in the morning)and then they offer you the time they have in their schedule; for example; Monday 4 o clock. Even if your cycle, your body and your ovulationtest would suggest a morning insemination would be better.
Also they are closed on weekends, so should you only ovulate on weekends (as I did the entire summer) you are out of luck. No baby for you.
Also they have "industrisemester" which means that the entire place shut down during July and half of August. No summer babies either, or Christmas babies, or Easter babies, or any kind of Holiday babies. Open only office hours, no exceptions.
Take it or leave it.

Usually the body and babies are not so apt to adapt to the modern calender and time keeping. (Perhaps lucky for the survival of the speices. What if you could only concieve during business hours? How many people would have time to get pregnant?).

Further; in the Swedish system you get 3 IUIs, should you not suceed on these tries, you move on to the next line for IVF.
How long you have to wait for an IVF is something no one could answer. It depends on their schedule, and how many Holidays are coming up, I suppose.

Let me remind you that there are a LOT of fertile, straight couples that need to make a greater effort than having intercourse 3 times to produce a baby. Not having a baby in 3, not so greatly timed, IUIs does not mean that IVF is in place. Hormone shots and painful procedures to have my baby be created outside my womb? Not tempting.

Don't get me wrong; it is fantastic that the technology exists, should you need it. But to use it on fertile women before helping with all other options first?
Where is the sanity, or economy, in that?

As I mentioned in an earlier blogpost, you do not get to chose your donor in Sweden. The donor is chosen for you and you get no information and no input. It is, to think of it, even worse than getting knocked up by a stranger after happy hour. At least you (or the drinks) made some sort of choice and you might even vaguely remember his apperance or what kind of music he like to dance shirtless to.

As most of you might know, not being able to produce a baby might as well have to do with the donor. The sperm might just not be compatible with your body, no matter that the both of you are healthy; sometimes it's just not a good match. But having no choice in donor, this is not something to concider if having a baby in the Swedish system.

Oh, I could go on and on. But actually the subject is making me a bit depressed.
I'm going to close with the pros of the Swedish system;

* It is not expensive (in most places, some regions in Sweden make lesbians pay, which is against the law and just another homofobic and discriminatory action of society agaist same sex families).

* If you are married the child automatically becomes your partners, even if you are a lesbian. You do not need to adopt your own child as lesbians have to do when having a donor child abroad.

*... hmmm... I can think of no others.

I did however remember a few more cons;

* You are only allowed one child, though I've heard of women sometimes getting a sibling after terrorising the hospital.

* IF you should be allowed to have more than one child, there is no guarantee it will be the same donor.

* The donors are geographically stationed, meaning all donor children in
Sthlm will have donors from the Sthlm region. Just to add to the risk/joy of having biological half-siblings in the lesbian community.
Also something that might not be a problem in the straight world, since the most common is having biological children within your own family.

An either/or depending on you preference;
*ALL donors are open identity donors in Sweden, meaning the child can get contact information when he/she turns 18.

Well, I'm exhausted. Me and my Danish-made baby are going to take a nap!

She's Nobody's Baby Now

Our child, as in mine and wifeys, only have one parent.
How can that be, you might ask?
You are married?
You created this child together?
You did all the planning, saving, driving, paying, not to mention went on all the emotional roller coasters together?
Wifey feeling a connection to the donor was more important than any imput I might have had. We did all the research together. She did all the hoping and wishing. I did all the obsessing and crying. She was certain of Baby even when I had lost faith. When I was nauseaus all those months she carried all the bags, cleaned the house, did all the dishes, cooked all the food, coaxed me into eating, sleeping, calming down; all for Baby. Wifeys gentle hands and voice has been with Baby since the moment of conception.
"Hold your hand over her uterus" the midwife said during the IUI. Wifeys hand held Baby even as she was just a dream, swimming madly among a million others.

No one knows Baby better than wifey does. No one knows me better than wifey does. No one knows wifey better than me and Baby. Wifey and I are not two anymore. We are three. Baby knocks around when we are close to let us know she's with us. We are not alone. We are all connected.

But legally, in this country, if anything should happen to me, Baby is not wifeys. Wifey has no legal right to Baby. Baby has no legal right to her Mother.
The hands that strokes Baby and calms her, the voice that sings to her, the heartbeats she hears in her sleep when wifey is resting by my bump, means nothing to the legal system.

After baby is born we can APPLY for wifey to adopt Baby. Adopt her own child? Strange, don't you think? And surely the rules are the same for everyone having a child by a donor?
No.
Had we been a straight, married couple, going through the same process, wifey would have automatically been a parent to the child born within our marriage.
There is no need for a straight man to adopt the donor child his wife is carrying. The law is on their side.

The social services will INVESTIGATE us, to see if wifey is a fit mother to Baby. A friend of a friend who went through the same process had some woman from the social services going through their entire house, including checking the bathroom drain for hair.
Because, of course, if you forgot to clear out the shower drain after having a new baby, you are an unfit parent.

This process can take up to 6 months. During this period, should I drop dead, baby will have no legal parent. She will be Nobody's Baby.

"I've searched the holy books
I tried to unravel the mystery of Jesus Christ, the saviour
I've read the poets and the analysts
Searched through the books on human behaviour
I travelled this world around
For an answer that refused to be found
I don't know why and I don't know how
But she's nobody's baby now

... there are some things love won't allow
I held her hand, but I don't hold it now
I don't know why and I don't know how
But she's nobody's baby now" - Nick Cave




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Remember how tired I used to be?

Well, add stomach flu, never ending colds and new allergies; the dog and christmas tree had to go, and I am down for the count.

Saw a doctor at my maternity care last night who put me on sickleave all through January. Work is not too happy about it I guess, but I'm almost too tired to care.
Martin Luther is rolling over in his grave. But since I'm a certified CBT therapist I will just have to expose myself to the anxiety of staying home without being hospitalized or dying.

It is weird just being TIRED, and not have anything specifically wrong w you. The doctor I saw yesterday says this happens in pregnancy. They don't know why and there's not much to do except rest and try to get some energy back. He had no other options than sickleave.

I'm gonna put on my own program for getting back on my feet again. I don't do caffeine (except for the amount that's in chocolate), but will cut out other stimulants as well. Such as sugar (the White Poison as my health concious grandfather called it). Of course my Christmas habit of severe chocolate abuse will have to go immediately.
I need lots of FRESH, and preferable organic, vegetables and fruits to get a vitamin boost.
I might splurge on that juice machine, eventhough I will be very poor from being on sickleave.

Baby is happy I'm staying in bed. She is dancing like that Bjork song Violently Happy. She must be practicing jetées. I love her so much, ever more than I love my work ethics. So screw anxiety and Hello Pillow!