Open Pre-School; Rainbow Edition

Once in a while I try to get myself and our unstructured days together and head over to the open preschool with my social son.
There are many open preschools in Stockholm; but only one for Rainbow families. Unfortunately I lost my sense of direction, along with my balance, during pregnancy, so we usually have a hard time locating it. (Also I gained vertigo and can't look out of windows higher up than 3d floor any more, there goes a room w a view...)

The first time we went we counted on the other mothers to be better equipped (e.g. with smart phones). Still we ended up lost and walked around for about an hour before we found the right place. We managed to get there before it closed but missed the big event; baby song.

The second time we headed out in good time to make it to the baby song. I even thought that baby J would have time to eat his lunch before it started. Ha!
We didn't get lost, but it sure was farther off than we remembered.

We actually made it in time for baby song. But as soon as all the babies and mamas got organized in a ring and started singing, baby J needed to nurse. Then he needed to poop. Then he needed to nurse some more. Then baby song was over.

Baby Js love interest, baby F, had better stamina and attention span and participated for about 2 min in the song session. Then she needed to throw up, on her mother, who then needed to clean up herself and baby F. Then she needed to poop (baby F, not her mother). Then baby song was over.

Oh well. Maybe next time.

After all the nursing, pooping and eating, baby J did a very successful solo performance on the baby guitar and rainbow xylophone. Excellent start of a career as a successful musician who can support his old mamas in style come the winter of their lives.

Mother's Best Friend

Out goes sugar, in comes coffee! My dear old friend. Banned since before trying to concieve and in the first months of breastfeeding. Now a regular guest just to keep alive through the days and semi-nights.
Baby J is a joy but also a handful. I promised many things before actually having a baby. Never let the child watch TV, never be unfocused when the child wants attention (which, by the way, is all waking hours for you non-parents out there), never distract the child when crying, never be online when the child is awake...yadi yadi ha! (For those of you thinking of calling the child protective services I can assure you the little angle is fast asleep as I write this).

Last night was wifey's office christmas party. Baby J thought he'd make a night of it too. He had quite the party going here for about 3 hrs past his bedtime. Then he fell asleep. For 20 mins. And then he started all over again.
Atleast he was happy.
There are a lot of exciting things to do in the middle of the night for a 7 month old; suck on your big toe, tickle yourself, try to rip off your diper, dismantle the household telephone, eat the cell phone, chew on wrapping paper, pinch mama's double chin, refuse to breastfeed, sound like a parrot on crack etc etc etc.

I don't know how we will get through this day. But somehow, with a cup or 5, we might even get some christmas shopping done. But for now, I'm just gonna let him sleep while I stare into space and enjoy the silence.

The Miracle of Mama Love

This made me cry;

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Christmas...

...is getting closer by the minute. Due to endless colds (wifey and I) and teething (baby J), a lot of the christmas shopping is yet to be done.
Sunday is the 4th of advent, Lucia has come and gone. Wifey, I and baby J are going to fight our way through the stores on Sunday to do some shopping. Hopefully baby J won't remember what we buy him by Christmas Eve.
Also the shopping will be brief, since living on maternity leave is like living on student loans. Except that you need to repay your student loans at the same time, and have lots of baby expenses. I read in the paper that Christmas shopping was down 15% this year. Possibly due to my maternity leave.

Atleast the freezer is full of lussekatter (Swe. christmas buns) and knäck (Swe. christmas toffee).










Wifey and I have been very good and not had any sweets since September. We're gonna wait until the day before Christmas Eve.

I have been too tired and wrapped up in breastfeeding/pumping/not getting any sleep to get rid of my pregancy weight. But I thought that eliminating sugar from our diet would be a good first step.
After the Christmas holidays baby J will be about 8 months old, and eat even more solids, not be so dependent on breastmilk and I might be able to eat less and exercise more, without freaking out over it affecting milk supply.

And by the way; don't believe the myth that you will mysteriously lose all your pregnancy weight due to breastfeeding. This might work for some women but it sure didn't work for me!
And let me tell you I breastfed for hours on end. For a period baby J nursed for about 5-7 hrs straight daytime with short breaks.
I couldn't even go grocery shopping with wifey but had to wait in the car, nursing, while she did the shopping.
Instead of losing weight I actually gained weight after pregancy.

Oh well, in a previous life this might have felt disastrous. But all considering, I'm so happy over my baby the weight issue is only a small set back.

2012 will be the year of Lesbo Fitness Mama!

I need to get around to working out anyway. Baby J is getting heavy and I want to be able to carry him around in our Baby Björn without getting back problems.

Other issues concerning Christmas is if I will still be allergic to the Christmas tree now that I'm not pregnant anymore.
We're gonna get a small tree this year. In case we have to throw it out like last year.

Top 3 Things To Do With Your New Tooth

1. Bite your mother's nose
2. Bite your nursing mother's boob
3. Look completely adorable when you smile so they forget the pain of child rearing

Tiny Tooth... and more on Mama Milk

Like a small grain of rice nestled into baby's lower jaw is now his first tooth. We had a night or two of very cranky baby. But now he seems to be back on track. He is drooling a lot, so I suspect another tooth might be on it's way.
Other than that we have been very lucky, so to speak.

Since birth baby has been a sound night sleeper. In a way it's easy for us, no need to introduce night routines. By 7-9 o clock he's fast asleep and sleeps until morning.
However, I would rather have had him nurse all night through and gained better weight and me not getting any sleep.
I've been up at night pumping so I haven't gotten much sleep anyway.

All the things I now know about breastfeeding I wish I had known back then... Oh, well, if we ever dare to try for another baby we will be so much better prepared.

In hind sight, we DID get some good advice at the hospital. But we got so many DIFFERENT advice, and were so in shock after the birth we had difficulty sorting through and know which ones we should listen to.
And maybe it would have been all the same even if we've done differently, since no one saw that J was tongue tied.

One advice I can give though is; if you have a baby that have trouble nursing, and your milk doesn't come in; no matter what people or hospital staff say; PUMP!
It's the only way to get the milk going if baby can't do it on his/her own. And don't get one of those lousy hand pumps (they told us to get);





But demand to get an electrical pump. Buy your own or rent one at the hospital;



















I don't know why, but a lot of the "experts" say you shouldn't pump. My mom said I shouldn't pump either.
When I was born, in the 70s, all mothers were told to pump at the hospital, and my mother had difficulty with too much milk for the rest of my infancy.
From what I read, how much you stimulate milk production in the first week after birth is in someway determining how much milk you will be able to produce at all.

If you have trouble getting your milk production up, this is the best advice I have found online
http://www.kellymom.com/bf/supply/milkproduction.html#autocrinecontrol

I so wish I would have found this straight away, and believe me,the pump and I would have started our intense relationship much, much earlier...

Mama milk

Well, hello there. Erradic mama blogger here. The baby is asleep, who knows for how long. He is not a man of routines my little bundle of joy.

He is almost 7 months now. And no, we actually did not return the breast pump. And yes, I am still pumping and nursing.
Though not as feverent as before. Baby J is a very unpredictable nurser, and my milk supply seems very sensitive and needing routines. Plus we have the issue of J being tongue tied. Though partially fixed, I suspect he still has some trouble nursing as efficiently as other babies.
Thus, I'm not giving up the pump after all.
Milk supply has dropped dramaticially since I stopped pumping every 3 hrs around the clock. But there still seems to be enough for baby J to live off of, plus the lunch and evening meals he gets.
I try to get atleast 4-5 hrs of sleep every night, and sometimes it goes up to 6-7 hrs between pumping and nursing sessions.

The reason I want to keep the milk flowing, or rather dribble in my case, is that there are still so many benefits for a baby to get his/hers mother's milk.

Last time we went to the pediatric, for his 6 month's check up, they asked if he still breastfed. As if breastfeeding is to stop after 6 months.
Hello? Have you read the WHO's recommendations?
Breastfeeding is preferable continued to atleast 1 but rather 2 years of age.

Among other things, recent reserach has shown that breastmilk contains stem cells (try to copy that, formula factories!), awesome, right!? And that Swedish children are much more likely to be gluten intolerant due to introducing gluten too soon and ending breastfeeding (which protects against gluten intolerance, and other allergies) too early.
So, no, I'm not done nursing yet.

And besides, both me and baby J love it. Most of the time. When there is something exciting going on, he has no patience for the old boob.

Well, someone is awake over here. Blog you later!

Baby love

My darling baby is sound asleep in a very rare afternoon nap. It must be the rainy weather, the cold that always seem to be on the verge of breaking out but then recedes after nursing, or just a new, welcomed routine.

I tip toe around the house (which takes some skill living in a studio appartment). But somehow managed to make a cup of tea without waking the baby.

In just a couple of weeks Baby will be 6 months. Time has passed so fast, and yet seems eternal, as it always does when something significant happens.

What did I do before I was a mother? Who was I? What utterly unimportant things did I fill my days with when I didn't have my darling J to snuggle, nurse, feed mango purée, change dipers, watch the rain fall under our dotted umbrella?
Where did my heart live when not held by his tiny hands, soaked by his toothless smiles and comforted by the rythmic movement of his tiny lunges?

A journey nearing it's end. I decided that even if I had to live in my pyjamases, I was going to do what it took to breastfeed, pump and give my baby as much breast milk as possible until he was 6 months old. Then he would have to nurse to the best of his abilites and I would return to semi-normal life, not consisting of nursing and pumping around the clock.

And now all those weeks of darkness, fatigue and bone chilling lack of sleep bordering on insanity is almost over.

And what a contradictory journey it has been.

My darling baby;
The hospital birth was a hellhole where the only thing that reached me through the chemically induced lightning sharp pain was wifey´s voice and the thought of you.
Yet, giving birth to you is the most magnificent victory my body has ever won.
They stood by in awe, all the cold, lifeless, professional people, waiting to cut me with knives and drag you out into this world. And watched us birth as if I was not shaking with cramping muscles, blinded by 3 days without sleep and lost in the realm of my worst nightmare.

The parking lot outside the hospital. Where I sat. Confused and shattered. With you, like a little bean at the bottom of the infant car seat. And I decided that this what not the time to fall apart, but the time to iron clad my panic and hold myself together for you.

Nursing you for hours without end, worrying about your slow weight gain, crying with despaire over having to give you dried cows milk with syntectic nutrients. Failing you, the dearest, most precious gift I have ever recieved. Not being able to give you what I wanted and what you needed. The constant guilt and anxiety.
Still, nursing you has be the closest to heaven I've ever been. Your tiny mouth working on my breast, your tiny hands holding my fingers, clutching my soul. Holding you in my arms as you fall asleep and slowly let go.

You know you are on maternity leave...

...when you go to an appartment viewing dressed in sweatpants and a poncho. Either that or you're a hobo. The faint smell of urin and vomit makes you lean towards the latter. The baby in a carrier and eating a box of cookies, the former.

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful...

...boy.

Yes, Baby was a boy. And today he turns 4 months.
Blogging has not been possible so far, but I am thrilled to see that my blog is still being read.

The birth was just one big, hospitalized, medically induced nightmare. The hospital has later appologized for uneccesarily medically forcing my birth. But what is an appology to the trauma our family suffered. The hospital machinery will surely go on, chewing people up and spitting them out with no consideration.

If you feel the least bit inclined to have a home birth (in Sweden), please do not make my mistake and think you can have a "home birth in hospital" in this country. You can't. They will do what they do, with no regard to your wishes and threathen w your baby not being well to get their way.

Baby was excellent all through the 3 days of labour, but hospital staff kept telling us he might not be to get to do their medical interventions.
Why, I will never know. Since Baby was in excellent health all the time, there seems to be no reason for their actions what so ever.
Perhaps they just needed the room for another patient and wanted to speed things up.

Maybe one day I will share my birth story. But for now the trauma is still too overwhelming.

I leave you instead with a song for the miracle that is my happy, healthy, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful baby boy.

Week 39 +3

...and no baby in sight. I sometimes have a slight hint of something similar to cramps. But it's very vague and only comes sporadic 1-3 times a day.

When and how birth starts seems to be so different for different women.

Baby is moving in calm and soft ways. She did however make a little jump last night. Probably practicing for birth.

Now that I decided it's OK for her to come, the waiting has begun. I see it as my main job right now to keep rested and well-fed, incase I would go into labour.

There is still a lot of pollen around, but I'm so grateful for the weather.
It's cold, grey and raining/snowing.
It feels like balm for this over heated preggo who's been boiled alive in this tiny appartment during the summerheat we had over Easter.
It's perfect weather for getting cosy and sleeping in. Just what Baby and I need to recouperate after the hospital circus.

I even have the peace of mind to read novels. Can't remember when that last happened? Before we started to search for a donor?

Bye Bye Baby Bump...

How I have loved being pregnant!
I don't remember the nausea, the fatigue, the anxiety or the fears. I remember Baby gently nudging me awake in the morning and moving around as I fall asleep at night. I remember that time she had the hick-ups which kept me up all night. I remember the first time she kicked wifey's hand. Or that time, long, long ago when I felt her like the bubbles of mineral water inside me, and dared to hope it was her.
I remember carrying her under my heart, protected from the outside world in our own little bubble of love.

And now it's only days away from being over. And I have to say goodbye to this period of our lives together and move into the unknown.

Because I've had such a lovely 3d trimester (when I finally got to do what I wanted all along; SLEEP)I have tried to answer politely to all the comments I've recieved since about week 34; It's almost over now! Hang in there! Any day now!
And I thought; but I don't WANT it to be over. I want to be here for ever. Loving every second of Baby's and mine loving co-existance. Undisturbed by work, clock-hours, expectancies to do anything else but marvel in complete awe of this miracle growing inside me.

The hospital stressed me out, the midwife and wifey told me to tell Baby to come out now. And I was so not ready to let her go.
I held my bump protectivly as tears streamed down my face by the thought of this pregnancy and birth taken from me. Being induced, having all those strangers turn my dream into a nightmare with their harsh words, cold hands and matter-of-fact-medical view of birth.

I am so thankful we got out of the hospital and that my body has calmed down. Now Baby can come when she pleases. And I have tried to mentally let go of my bump, started to long for Baby to come out. (It also helps to see all those baby pictures on Facebook of new born babies my friends have had lately).

So Good Bye to my pregnancy and bump;

Week 39 + 1

Back for a short update after radio silence.

Baby and I are fine, despite being pulled into one traumatizing hospital event after another these past weeks.

My blood pressure goes crazy just thinking about it. So I try to put it to the back of my mind and focus on our little water creature, working towards joining us on the outside.

Just got home from our check up at the midwife's office; baby is fixated (hurray! that must be why I've felt a bit of cramps lately), has excellent heartbeats, my blood sugar is excellent, blood pressure is normal (130/85) albeit on the high side, +1 on proteins which is fine, and iron levels actually up to 120 which is NORMAL! (And eventhough I've skipped the supplements lately due to the hospital drama).

I think my body is telling me that both Baby and I should be ready to go! I'm finally starting to get mildly uncomfortable; Baby is streching those ligaments under my ribs a bit. I can't sleep on one side for too long, my hips starts to hurt and I need to turn over.
I'm so glad I have the entire bed to myself, so I can roll around freely, it helps a lot. I feel like those nasty sausages they have at 7/11 that constantly rolls around.
I think it's excellent my hips are getting lose and that I sometimes feel some cramps and pelvic pains. Way to go body!

Also, Baby is so much calmer now. Poor thing was all hysterical when we were in and out of the hospital. (Probably because I was so upset, frightened, allergic, astmatic, sleep deprived and devastated).
I did a "kick-o-gram" over Baby since she got so immensly restless during this period. In 10 mins she moved/kicked/punched 13 times. And while I was sitting there, hands on my abdomen, feeling my little darling raising hell under my hands, the hospital staff told me over and over again that she probably wasn't fine, that she even might die if we didn't check her with machines.
So we did (NST or CTG in Swedish) over and over again. And each time my little dancer got top score. Each time she moved more than the technology allowed me to register with the little button I was to press everytime I felt her.
She was too fast for the machines, life can never be messured by imperfect instruments.
My little darling out ran them all.

Person 26 we met (yes, I am not joking, we met 26 different doctors, nurses and midwives during our hospital stay) was finally a resonable doctor who let us go home.

Baby and I have rested and slept most of the time. Poor wifey. One minute I can be up and about, planning our lovely Sunday together; the next minute I can crash and go into deep sleep for the rest of the afternoon.
Must be fun to live with a preggo.

It's a bit difficult to grasp that within days/week(s)I'll be having Baby here, outside with me.

I so much wanted to do some birth art (yes, I'm just a big hippie at heart), as in Birthing from Within;


I might just get my acrylics out and focus on painting and napping until birth starts. Baby is apparently doing an excellent job working her way down my pelvis. All I have to do is find my focus and center again. Eat well, sleep well, avoid pollen and wait for Baby to arrive.

Being in and out of the hospital so many times, we've packed and unpacked our bag about 5 times, so I'm not the least bit stressed about leaving it unpacked until it's time to go.
Wifey has become quite the professional after all these "dress rehearsals" and can get everything together in record time. She has been such a rock through all the craziness.
She is the most amazing person I have ever met and I am so thankful she is my wife.

We both dream about a vacation in the sun when all this is over and Baby is a bit older.
We have this fantasy of the three of us in the shade, gazing out over the sea. Baby snuggly nursing or napping. The warmth, the peacefulness, the relaxation. Our little water creature close to the sea. All of us lulled to sleep by the soothing rythm of the waves.

By the way, both of us have dreamed lately about Babys birth, and that she is a boy. Very interesting...

Ultrasound

In the manner of hippies, Amish-people and the like, wifey and I decided not to have a routine ultrasound on Baby.
We decided that if anything seemed to be medically wrong with the pregnancy (me not feeling well, the baby not growing, bleedings etc) we would have a medical ultrasound to see how Baby was doing. Until then we would just have to wait and see what would unfold.
During these past 37 weeks, the only thing the midwife has come near Baby with is a Pinnard horn (as in the picture), her hands and a measuring tape.

The reason I thought of ultrasounds this morning was I stumbled across this on facebook;

"Think Ultrasound for Babies Is Safe?


Research shows ultrasound populations have a quadrupled perinatal death rate, increased rates of brain damage, dyslexia, speech delays, epilepsy, and learning difficulties.Perinatal death rate quadrupled in ultrasound group. (2,475 woman study by Davies et al., 1993); Midwifery Today.

1984 study shows ultrasound babies developed more dyslexia, and twice as often showed delayed speech of unknown causes. (Stark et al 1984); Midwifery Today; Effects of Frequent Ultrasound During Pregnancy: A Randomized Controlled Trial.

Males who were subjected to ultrasound more likely to show signs of brain damage. Journal Epidemiology December 2001.

Ultrasound babies are more likely to develop epilepsy and learning difficulties. Ultrasound Abstracts.

Males babies exposed to two or more ultrasounds were 32% more likely to be lefthanded (which is thought to be caused by brain damage). Ultrasound Abstracts.

Four hours after ultrasound, cell death doubles and rate of cell division drops by 22% in mammals and researchers believe results same in humans. Ultrasound Abstracts.

Risk of miscarriage significantly increased among women who perform ultrasound more than 20 hours a week. (Taskinen et al., 1990); Midwifery Today.

Babies who had serious problems and were ultrasounded died more often than non-ultrasounded babies with serious problems. Midwifery Today

Ultrasounded babies who were growth retarded were three times more likely more likely to be admitted to ICU than non-ultrasounded babies who were growth restricted. Midwifery Today

Preterm labor more than doubled in ultrasounded women. (Lorenz et al., 1990); Midwifery Today

Researchers who developed ultrasound admitted possibility of hazard from ultrasound and said that it should never, ever be used on babies under three months. Midwifery Today

Cells exposed to single dose of ultrasound behave abnormally ten generations after insonation. Midwifery Today

Ultrasound affects fetal weight, organ weight, immune systems, and blood platelets which allow blood to clot; researches believe problems from ultrasound – including possibility of cancer, leukemia, and congenital malformations – could take as long as 20 years to surface. Ultrasound Abstracts; Effects of Frequent Ultrasound During Pregnancy: A Randomized Controlled Trial.

Impaired brain function and decreased locomotor and exploratory activity in mice exposed to ultrasound. Effect of Fetal Exposure to Ultrasound on the Behavior of the Adult Mouse.

Ultrasound’s gaseous cavitation increases free radical production in amniotic fluid and blood plasma, and provides a likely mechanism for DNA damage. Crum et al (1987); Ellisman et al (1987)

Because babies’ heads are bowl shaped, radiation from ultrasound is magnified and can result in parts of the brain being subjected to extra high intensities of radiation. A Prudent Approach to Ultrasound Imaging of the Fetus and Newborn by Kenneth Taylor, M.D.

Even if the above stats don’t give you pause, how about the fact that ultrasound measures 100 decibels in utero – that’s the equivalent of having your infant stand on a subway platform as a train comes roaring in and screeches to a halt New Scientist. As one writer notes, if you’ve ever heard of on opera singer breaking a sheet of glass with her voice, that is an example of what just one slow sound wave can do . . . but ultrasound uses ultra high frequency sound waves which bombard the child at an extremely high rate of speed. New Scientist.

Perhaps most ironic and compelling is this quote from one of Yale’s MD elite (Dr. Kenneth Taylor, M.D., Professor of Diagnostic Radiology and Chief of the Ultrasound Section at Yale University School of Medicine) who states: “I would not let anybody get near my infant’s head with a transducer [ultrasound wand] . . .” A Prudent Approach to Ultrasound Imaging of the Fetus and Newborn by Kenneth Taylor, M.D."

Here's the link where you can go to the sources of the research articles; http://health.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474978382100
(No, I still don't know how to create a link, I'm a lousy blogger, I know. I'm gonna ask wifey to help me figure it out. Until then, you will have to continue to copy-paste, dear reader).

And I again thought of our reasons for not having a routine ultrasound on Baby. I remember talking about it with the midwife on our first appointment. Actually it took up most of the time and might be the reason she forgot to mention the RH+/- screening we were doing but got no info about.

The conversation was very vague on her part, perhaps you are not allowed, as medical staff, to have any opinions.

Wifey asked the midwife if she had had ultrasounds performed on her children. She said she hadn't.

I thought of that time I accompanied an aquiantance to have laser eye surgery for her near-sightedness. And all the doctors and nurses at the clinic wore glasses themselves.
Go figure.

The midwife said (back in week 10) that we would have to wait until week 20-24 before we might be able to hear Babys heartbeats with a Pinnard horn. I figured waiting for a bit would be better than subjecting Baby to something uncomfortable; and potentially dangerous.

And since I could feel Baby in week 14 already, the waiting was even easier.
One of the doctors at work told me it was IMPOSSIBLE to feel a baby at week 14, especially when it's your first. She said if I really did feel something, I must be further along in pregnancy than I thought.
I reminded her that for me and wifey, there is only one Saturday in August conception could have taken place. So miscalculations were not very likely.
These doctors and their textbook cases...

The body is so much more complex, wise and communicative than can be measured, calculated and squeezed into a one-experience-fits-all.
I dared to trust Baby and her movements (atleast some of the time) even in week 14, and now there can be now doubt about it, as anyone who gets near her gets a kick in the head.

If you want to read up on ultrasound, I recommend this book;

It has an excellent chapter on ultrasounds, what research says about it, what potential risks and benefits there might be.

The final reasoning wifey and I had was; even if an ultrasound would show there might be something wrong with our baby, we would never consider terminating her life.
Interpreting an ultrasound is not as easy as it might seem. There are lots of babies born perfectly healthy where ultrasounds indicated otherwise. And the other way around; babies born with handicaps the ultrasound did not forsee.

A woman at my office actually was told her son might have a major heart condition after an ultrasound. She and her husband were devastated, but decided to try to ignore the ultrasound and carry on with the pregnancy.
She gave birth to a healthy boy who is now 5 yrs old and has never had any heart problems. It was probably just a blotch on the ultrasound screen, the hospital staff said.

I think there are a lot of valid reasons for having ultrasounds during a pregnancy, but none of them applied to us.
It would have been useless information, in the manner of all the fertility tests; Everything seems fine, lets look for a problem! Surprise; there ARE no problems. Or perhaps; there MIGHT be a problem, but since you don't want to have an abortion there is nothing else to do but wait and see if the baby is healty when she is born.

On a last note; if you check out the gynecological associations or here in Sweden; Svenska strålskyddsmyndigheten. You will see that NONE of them recommends routine ultrasounds, but rather just for medical purposes when the benefits outweigh the risks.
And really, these are the experts talking.
I rest my case.

Hello Blood Sugar!

Well, all that resting payed off, blood pressure was a bit lower (130/80) at yesterdays check up. However; enter from the left; blood sugar!
I've had excellent blood sugar all through pregnancy (around 4, w the upper limit of 9)and thought; well at least I don't have to worry about gestational diabetes.

Now all of the sudden I tested 9!!! The midwife was in disbelief and re-tested me; 9.8!

Ok. Sure, why not. Let's go down that road too. I'm such a regular at the maternity care by now, so let's throw something new into the mix.

Now I have to do the diabetes screening Monday morning; the one where you fast before and then drink some hideous sugary-solution and sit in the waiting room for 2 hrs before they test your sugar levels again.

I'm getting a bit tired of this... Does everyone have all these complications in pregnancy, or is it just my body that is lousy at being pregnant?

I try not to think about it too much. Baby will be here in just a few weeks at the most, and even IF my bloodsugar would go crazy now at the end, at least it's been great for most of the pregnancy.

I just want to enjoy these last few days/weeks of carrying Baby, without being worried and anxious all the time.

It could just be a one time thing I suppose, perhaps my blood sugar is fine. I'll try not to worry until I know for sure on Monday.

And the winner is...

It is nice to excell at something I suppose, even if it is just napping. Yesterday I broke my all time record with a 5 (F-I-V-E) hr afternoon nap. Still managed to get in a good 9 hrs sleep last night.

My blood pressure is still too high and I will have to continue to go on check ups. To be honest, I got some good rest but then had 2 nights of bad sleep and then wifey and I had a busy Sunday; cleaning the house, doing laundry, grocery shopping, sorting through baby clothes and cooking food for the freezer for after Babys arrival. I was so swollen and exhausted. So perhaps no surprise my blood pressure was not lower by Monday morning.
I was so tired at the midwifes office I could hardly talk. Then I went home and took my 5 hr nap.

After this, wifey and I have made some adjustments. Wifey sleeps in the livingroom so I won't get disturbed. I have the whole bed to myself and wake up in all sorts of weird positions. Obviously I move a lot while sleeping. Up-side-down is the only position I haven't woken up in, yet.
Wifey also has started to work from home to be here to make me feel better and to wait on me.
Yes I know. Marrying her is the best thing I've ever done. It does makes me more relaxed to have her around. Even if I'm constantly falling asleep.


I'm getting weary of obsessing about preeclampsia. Que sera, sera I say.
We have good health care in this country, if I would develop full blown preeclampsia and Baby has to be induced/ have an emergency c-section, at least she is big enough to be fine.
In just a couple of days she won't even be considered pre-term.

I will just keep on resting and napping and see what happens w the blood pressure. If my body wants to sleep, sleep is what it gets.
I found something quite curious though; I usually sleep for 4 hr periods, then I wake up for a short period, but have no trouble going back to sleep. I wonder if this is in any way linked to Babys sleep schedule? Will be interesting to see once she has arrived.

We talk about things after Baby's arrival; like when to have the Christening etc. Sometimes when we plan away I get all cold inside and think; what if something happens? What if Baby won't make it?
I have clearly developed an anxiety disorder since beginning w this baby business.

But perhaps it's just normal worry.

Week 37

We have now officially entered week 37. By the end of this week Baby will no longer be considered pre-term if she wants to arrive.

All my body is telling me to do is sleep and eat. So I do.

At the midwife's last week my blood pressure was higher, again. Despite of being on sick leave. Wifey and I did have a stressful week end and week. I slept badly for 2 days prior and forced myself to go to our last parent training class, despite of being so tired I was in tears.
I shouldn't have, I know.
But it is so hard to just let go of one's personality just because you're pregnant. I'm so used to keep on pushing myself, even when I'm exhausted.
Usually it works. But when pregnant, it doesn't.
So hopefully, it was what my body reacted to with the higher blood pressure. Now I'm put on bed rest until Monday and our next appointment.

If I get a headache or pain in my upper abdomen; I'm to go in to the hospital straight away so they can check my liver, kidneys, blood pressure, protein etc for pre-eclampsia.

The only headache I've felt is due to allergies I think. And the only pain in my abdomen is when I sit a certain way and (what I think is) Baby's bony little bottom (or knees) is poking my ribs.

Anyho, Baby is growing perfectly and is now above average (but within normal) on the curve. I am very happy about this since it means she's getting all the nutrition and oxygen she needs, despite of her birth mamas fatigue.

I might be crazy, but I have no fear what so ever of birthing a big baby. I must thank Ina May Gaskin's book on childbirth for this.

My iron levels were slightly up, eventhough my digestive system can't handle eating iron supplements every day. So, except for the blood pressure, everything seems to be moving in the right direction.

Baby thinks she is Houdini and is practicing what seems to be a promising career in escapologism. However, my body is still big enough for both of us and for her new career move, so I'm not going to complain.

I love carrying her under my heart. And the best part of her still being inside me is that I get to sleep for long periods of time and that I don't have to worry about her being fed, warm and comfortable.

The Donor; How we chose Baby's genetic background

There are probably as many different ways of chosing a donor as there are donor families. Wifey and I had initially perhaps a bit different stand points. I was worried about denying the child a biological father (though there are many historical examples of things working out despite of this factor, e.g. Jesus Christ). And wifey was worried about having a man in our life that could have any kind of claim on our child.

After discussing back and forth we started going through our circle of friends to see if there was anyone who could fit the bill of being a known donor to our child.

But with a decision like that comes new potential difficulties.

Most of our male friends are straight and have, or will have, families of their own. How would this affect our child? To have a donor who was not really a father to our child, but a father to "his own" children.

Wouldn't this make our child feel left out, different and rejected?

It would also be weird to have a child with your spouse and see a friends features, mannerisms or personality shine through.

The pros of the "friend-donor" is that you know your child's biological origin, there is a reliable source (that you like) and if you would need any genetic/biological information down the road, you can just pick up the phone.

You would also know what (if any) half-siblings your child would have. And would not have to have 30+ unknown half-siblings all over the world, or even a few in your own neighbourhood.

I suppose that is not the end of the world. Before contraception was introduced, most people probably had a bunch of un-known half-siblings all over the place.

Also we would have had the comfort of trying to make a baby (inseminate) in our own bedroom like normal people. And fresh sperm is more viable and easier to concieve with than frozen goods. (In Sweden only University hospitals are allowed to handel frozen semen, so there is no way to do home inseminations with a donor from a sperm bank).

But one of my biggest concern about having a friend as a donor, was that you never know how you are going to react to creating a biological child.
What if the man in question falls in love with the baby and want to be a part of the babys life?
How can you say no to that?
No matter what you agreed, what legal contacts you've signed, who can anticipate what you will feel when you see your biological child in front of you? The heart wants what the heart wants. And I could never refuse our child and our donor a relationship, eventhough it's not what wifey and I would prefer.

Wifey and I made lists of what was important to us in chosing a donor. Extensive background information was vital. Getting to chose ourselves was also important to us. Most people actually chose who the have a child by.
Why should it be any different for us just because the man won't be a father figure in our childs life?

If I can't have a biological baby with the person I'm in love with, atleast I can chose some other genetics. Or atleast a donor who is not allergic and does not have astma (which runs in my family).

But I think the most important thing to me was that the donor seemed to be a kind and caring human being. That was actually more important than him having similar looks to wifey's.

All the donor profiles who described themselves as "arrogant", "wanting to populate the world" or where you genereally could read between the lines some difficulties interacting with other people were a No-Go.

Since I am the one carrying the baby and Baby will have 50% of my genetics, wifey's input about the donor was more important than mine for me.
We eventually ended up chosing a donor we both fancied but that especially wifey felt connected to.
The donor and wifey work in the same field and wifey liked the way he described himself and his outlook on life.
I especially liked the description of him by others, and also the considerate, kind and caring nature he seemed to have in dealing with relationships in his life.


But I must confess, had it been entirely up to me, I might have been tempted to chose one of the donors with obvious music talent.

Still, I am super happy with our choice. I wish the donor would have had the same eye and hair color as wifey. But oh well. Now that Baby exist, I would have it no other way. That would be to change Baby, which would be impossible since I love her exactly as she is.

Other things we considered in chosing a donor was; that the donor had concieved a child earlier (which meant that the stuff was actually working)and high motility in sperm count (more frisky swimmers means better chances to concieve and less attempts which will be cheaper in the long run).

For more information if you want to plan your conception I can recommend this book;



It is a bit tideous to read, a bit new age, and there is an entire section on how to "befriend" the sperm (ok...). And I am a bit upset that a book on 500+ pages on chosing a donor and conception fails to mention the Rh +/- factor.
Still, if you are a control freak there is a lot of good reading about things to consider in chosing a donor.
The Maia clinic is a clinic with high sucess rate in pregnancies for mothers that have a hard time concieving, so I thought all their tips were worth considering, though I didn't use (live up to) all of them.

I also recommend this book for concieving;



It's a book directed at heterosexuals concieving. Still it is very good info about your fertility and your body.
I actually didn't chart according to the book etc. But I still thought it was helpful and interesting.

Well, that was a little about how we chose baby's genetics.

I know a lot of people who have chosen to know as little as possible about the donor and even let the clinic chose for them.
And, as I've said in earlier posts, if you chose to inseminate in Sweden, you get no choice.
The women I talked to who doesn't want to chose says they don't want to see the donor in their child. If for example they know the donor is a fire fighter, they don't want to look at the child seeing fire fighting traits.

I don't really understand the resoning behind that. (Since I work in a field closely related to genetics and as far as I know no fire fighter gene has yet been discovered).

My thinking, if our donor had been a fire fighter, is that the donor is a person who enjoy a physcially challenging profession (and perhaps has a high activity level), has a profession where he will help others and subjects himself to danger. I would not freak out if Baby enjoyed playing with the garden hose, thinking that she was genetically destined to become a fire fighter.

But, to each her own. And I really respect people who think genetics doesn't matter at all.

All I want is the ability to chose what fits your family and not be restricted by society and having to go to another country to get to chose a donor for your baby, if that matters to you. It did to us.

Waiting for the nutty feeling

According to one of the zillion internet pages that gives you weekly pregnancy updates, Baby should drop soon.
The dropping should feel like, I quote, "having a coconut between your legs".
Doesn't sound very comfy, does it?

At the midwife appointments Baby has always been with her head downwards, though with her back alternatley left and right. Since she's not fixated yet, I suppose she could still turn on us and go breach. However, I have a feeling she won't.

I also have a feeling she will not come early, but stay put for atleast 4-5 more weeks. It might be wishful thinking more than intuition; I'm just desperate for some more sleeping in before she actually enters the scene.

Last week I had a bunch of weird sensations, I was unsure if perhaps I was leaking amnionic fluids and if my pelvic pains might have been early contractions. Wifey called the hospital and I had to answer a long row of questions from a very serious sounding midwife.
She asked solemnly if I had felt the baby move the past 24 hrs, adding that it can be very difficult to feel the baby this far along in the pregnancy. I think she added this to comfort me, incase I couldn't feel Baby.
But before the lady finished her questions, Baby managed the trick of kicking me in 2 places at the same time and do a mini hick-up session.

So glad I don't have to worry about that.

I felt rather silly about the whole conversation, I wasn't really worried. But did it since wifey wanted to do the "better safe than sorry" routin. I wasn't expected to be taken so seriously at the hospital.
But oh well, I actually am in week 35+1. This is perhaps the time to be taken seriously. And of course I am grateful they take you seriously rather than brush you aside as the hysterical person you feel like.

I also think I was a bit spooked about the last visit at the doctor's where he asked me in detail about my early contractions and saying things like "as long as your cervic isn't starting to open up".

However, from reading all my lovely natural childbirth/home birth blogs and web sites, I've come to understand that your cervic can actually open and stay open a couple of cm for weeks before you go into actual labor.
So I've quit obsessing about that one.

I am huge, but actually don't feel as uncomfortable as I thought I would this far along in pregnancy. I don't have a problem breathing or keeping food down, as I've heard other mothers-to-be complain about. Finally it pays off to have a long torso!

I actually manage to take a walk in the country side yesterday w wifey. My pelvis ligaments were super sensitive the rest of the day, but it was worth it!
The pollen is starting to bloom now, so it might have been my last enjoyable fresh-air walk for some time.

I'm still a bit reluctant about eating anti-histamines while pregnant. The research is so poorly and you don't really know how it affects the baby (surprise!).
But I will go with the general guidelines I suppose and eat it to keep my astma in check. I am still glad that Baby is basically fully grown and not a tiny embryo now that I'm gonna bombard her with meds.

It might not be worse than all the crap I subjected her to this past weekend. We celebrated wifeys birthday with her relatives, and started early on the Easter candy.

Hope all that sugar, artificial coloring and preservatives haven't left Baby with permanent brain damage.

2 Moms and a Baby; a triangle of Love

For once I thought I might blog about a topic, and not just the usual posts about how tired I am and how much I love Baby, wifey and my pillow.

I've been thinking about the difference of lesbian and hetero families lately.

Wifey and I have quite the set up for our pregnancy. We just happen to live in the same neighbourhood as the only lesbian maternity care in Sweden. We just happen to be able to chose a lesbian midwife. We happen to be able to enroll in a lesbian parenting group and a Rainbow project at the hospital where we will birth. No one will ask if wifey is my sister when we show up to birth our baby (like they did when we were at the ER last year). Still with all these Rainbow projects here and there, I've found it hard for people to call her my Wife. Even when I make a point of saying; "yes you mean my WIFE wifey?" when the staff says; "your PARTNER wifey", people still go back to calling her PARTNER 2 sentences later.
Hello, we have joined the 21 st century and have geneder neutral marriages now, please keep up people! Really, how hard can it be?

Something else that bothers me is the constant use of the word PARTNER as a replacement for the word DAD.
I mean, yes, wifey is my partner, just as the straight folks husbands/boyfriends are their partners.

But wifey will not "become my partner" when Baby is born. Wifey is a female parent to our child. Female parents are called MOTHERS, not partners.
Still you are referred to as "mother and father" or "mother and PARTNER" in lectures, books and conversations with hospital staff. E.g. "the father/partner can cut the umbilical cord".
On the new-born pictures (in the hospital with the Rainbow project) it says, Mother:name, Father:name. Or Mother:name, Partner:name.

How difficult can it be? If it is so terribly cognitive challenging and confusing to talk about 2 mothers; use some defining term then; bio-mother, birth-mother, the other-mother.
But please, don't use language to constantly belittle and strip wifey of her role as a mother to our child.

I tried to bring this up in Rainbow parenting group, but didn't get much response. One of the other lesbian mothers said, with a tired voice; "well, atleast you are referred to as a partner now a days".

I found I get a much stronger response from people in heterosexual relationships when I bring up things like this. (Or perhaps it's just that I have such excellent friends and co-workers that get my point? )
I mean, what straight person would imagine ADOPTING your own child? Or being referred to as a PARTNER to the mother instead of a parent, since you didn't give birth to your child?

I think this outside impact of more or less ignoring the parenting role of the non-birth mom makes the dynamics in a lesbian family a bit different.

We talked to our midwife about this. How many of the lesbian families she meets are treated by others. The couples who take turns in having a child where the pregnant mother gets to hear; "Oh, how wonderful for you to finally become a Mother". While the woman in question have a 4 yr old at home (that her spouse gave birth to)and has been a mother for years.

Or the constant fear within the relationship that the non-bio mom will feel left out.

I thought of how much wifey and I have shared through this process. Every step. I don't think it's only the "lesbian urge to merge".
I think it's a protective strategy that straight people don't have to bother with. If wifey could have gotten me pregnant and the child was biologically hers, she would have an entirely different claim on the child and parenting role.
As it is now, she won't be a legal parent to our child until the social services allows her to adopt Baby.

It is not lack of trust that makes wifey say with a small voice; "promise to never take Baby from me", when we are half asleep at night.

It is lack of legal rights and and lack of validation from society at large and from individuals we meet, that she is and always will be the Mother of Baby.

It creeps in and gets to you.

It makes us both sensitive. I makes us attentive. It made wifey feel left out when I ran down to our midwife to get a quick blood-test for my iron levels and didn't have time to call her first.
It made it impossible to take a pregnancy test on your own, as custom in heteroville (at least according to the movies). I had wifey read the test. It was better for my nerves anyway, so I'm not complaining. It was just totally out of the question that I would take a pregnancy test on my own and later tell her the results.

At first I was so sensitive to wifey feeling left out I didn't know how to tell her that skin to skin contact with the newborn for the 1st hr makes breastfeeding more successful according to research.
I told her in some half-hysterical way, she got scared she would not be allowed to hold her own child and we had quite the argument over it.

I think we've grown so much during this process.

We are no longer one of the couples afraid of the birth mom breastfeeding and the other mother not being able to bond with the baby because of it. I think wifey will have plenty of bonding time with baby even if she's not the one nursing. We have no need to split everything 50/50 so no one will feel left out.

I am sure we will not fight over who will get to change the next stinky diaper after a while.

Lesbian families have the highest divorce rate of all couples. When it was brought up in parenting group it was from an individual perspective; that women expect more of eachother; more understanding, more support, more comittment than women in straight relationships expect from their male partners.
Yes, that might be one way to look at it.

But from what I understand having a baby is hard on any relationship; and a lot of straight couples also part ways during the toddler years.
And for a lesbian family add the stress of;
* Even becoming pregnant in the first place, chosing a donor, the planning, waiting, financial stress, fertility tests, perhaps hormone treatments, etc, etc, etc
* Not being recognized as parents by society or in day-to-day interaction with the world
* The stress of going through an entire adoption process once the baby has arrived.

I mean, really, no matter what we expect of each other, that is a bit much for any one to deal with. Add the working full time (for atleast one of the mothers), being sleep deprived and handle a new tiny being entirely dependent on you for it's survival.

So what do we have when we have; no legal rights, no understanding, no support, structural discrimination from this society we live in, contribute to and pay taxes to?
We have our triangle of love. Wifey, Baby and I. Connected as One.
Love makes a Family.

Today

I have decided that buliding a baby is quite enough of work. I refuse to feel guilty for not having the energy to do other things as well.
It is so nice not to have to stress out about work in the morning and how on earth I am going to survive a whole day behind my desk.
But rather just to know that this weekend is ever lasting.

I am sad though that I missed my friends hen-party last night + this morning. But there is no way Baby and I could have made it out of the sofa.
I'm even too tired to feel isolated. The pillow is enought company for me right now.

Last night Baby and I watched 2012. Baby got super active, I don't think she liked all the noise. I put a pillow over my bump and she calmed down.
I've gotten quite a taste for disaster movies lately.
The other day we watched The Perfect Storm.
I remembered a happy ending, and was quite surprised. Granted, I was hung over when I saw it in a movie theater a zillion years ago. I must have fallen asleep and dreamt about them coming out alive from the storm and making a fortune off of their cargo. Clearly that is not what happens in the movie.
I cried. And imagined the other ending to make myself feel better.

At my last check-up, the midwife asked me where I feel Baby kick the most; high or low in my abdomen. I still feel her everywhere. I wonder if this means she is still turing around in there? Either that, or she has a mean right hook.
Every time the midwife feels her she's been down with her head in my pelvis, but not fixated yet.
I have 2 appointments this week, both with the doctor and with the midwife. It feels good to have check-ups. Especially since we don't want to go the regular route with routine ultrasounds etc.
I feel safe with the "manual" check-ups of my midwife feeling Baby with her hands, listening to her heartbeats and checking her growth curve. Baby is actually a bit over average on the growth curve by now. Good job Baby!

I'm not really worried about Baby. She usually kicks the midwife or wifey in the head when the want to hear her heartbeats. I take that as a sign of excellent health, vigor and integrity.

My mom says I'm so exhausted because I'm building a super-baby. I like the thought of that.
Besides, if Baby would ever be still long enough for me to worry I now know I can just put on 2012 and that will get her going.

I also try to not obsess about preeclampsia. I am now resting and doing what I can to not put more pressure on my body and kidneys. Hopefully rest will get my BP down.
Perhaps I should also stop watching end-of-the-world-movies.

At the midwifes office this morning...

... I broke down in tears. I am sure she is quite used to that since she's dealing with pregnant women all day long. She still wanted me to go on sick leave, so does wifey and I finally agreed.
I'm not doing a good job anyways, being as tired as I am. I just don't have the energy, mentally, emotionally or physically to work right now. And Baby has to come first.

My blood pressure is still high, but at least not higher. The midwife said she thought it would go down when I stop working and get adequate rest. She also didn't like the look of my swollen hands. I thought they looked great as compared to when they look like white spotted water balloons.

I will most likely just go back to work to pack up and talk to my boss next week.

Until then it's you and me Bumpy, under the covers with our ipod loaded with HypnoBirthing relaxations and birth affirmations.

Bananas for you!

Banana is the new carrot juice. I can not get enough of bananas!!! (Organically grown, of course, since the regular kind doesn't taste much and the peel is so poisonous you can't put it in Swedish composts. Now, does that sound edible to you?).

I got a bit curious about the banana. I haven't been able to eat it for the most part of my pregnancy, though I'm usually an avid fan. But now I eat atleast 2-3 a day. So what magic power does this starlet of pregnancy cravings contain?

This is what I found online;

"During pregnancy, eating foods high in potassium, such as bananas, can help reduce pregnancy-related swelling of the extremities. (I need that!!!)They also balance electrolytes and are a great source of energy.

Vitamin B6 is also essential for the development and operation of our bodies. It is vital to the development of your baby's central nervous system, is a key component during the biosynthesis of the neurotransmitters GABA, dopamine, and serotonin and is essential for proper immune system functioning and the ability of hemoglobin to carry oxygen to the body's tissues. (A boost in the ability of hemoglobin to carry oxygen is sureley welcomed when you're as low in iron as I am at the moment!).

The heart and circulatory system require potassium to maintain normal blood pressure and heart function. (Sign me up and my blood pressure up!)"

Isn't the body amazing? My blood pressure is up, my iron down and I'm a walking water balloon.
And the body says; You know what Lesbomama? I REALLY fancy a fruit that will lower blood pressure, transport oxygen better and reduce swelling!

And they are trying to tell me my body won't be able to birth Baby without assistance, drugs and medical intervention?
Ha!

Sex

I was so certain Baby was a girl earlier in pregnancy. Now I'm not so sure anymore. Not because of the dream I had last night, I just lost that intuitive feeling. Or perhaps I didn't lose it. Maybe it's just not important any more. I don't need to have a sex or gender for Baby to love her beyond the universe and back again.

Still I like to call her "her", since I noticed that most people call a baby "him" when you don't know the sex.

I talked to my mother on the phone this evening and asked her if she ever had a feeling for what sex me and my brothers were when we were in the womb. She said that sex is such a limiting way of relating to people. A boy can be like either of my brothers (they are not very alike personality wise). So she always found it very uninteresting to know if the child she was carrying was a boy or a girl. She was more curious about their personality.
And she said she can't wait to meet Baby.

Wifey has started to say "it's my son or daughter you are carrying there!" She says just the thought that she will be a mom and have a Son or a Daughter in a few weeks makes it feel so much more real.

The first thing most people ask me is if I know if it's a boy or a girl. That might be the first thing I ask pregnant women too, come to think of it.
Maybe it does make the baby easier to bond to, to imagine or relate to.

But my mother is right. It is much more interesting to know what kind of person it is.

From carrying her(him) for 8+ months I can say that Baby is considerate, calm and very good at putting up with her hysterical birth mother.

Ok, I take it back...

... I AM exhausted. Again. And so swollen I can barely grip things in the morning. My hands feel like waterballoons.
All I really want to do is go lay down w my feet up.
I might accept that sick leave that midwife and the maternity doctor wanted me to go on.

Baby seems to be doing fine. Last night I dreamed I had an ultrasound (with a device that looked like my astma spray inhalor) and that she was a boy.
My first thought was; oh no! What am I going to do with all those cute dresses? Will ofcourse love Baby madly and unconditionally even if she is a he, or something inbetween.


Wifey tried to listen to Baby's heartbeat this morning. She kicked wifey in the head instead. Apparently she wanted to sleep in and not be bothered. That's my girl!


BTW with swelling comes another problem; eventhough I haven't exactly kept fit this pregnancy (I'm glad I pretty much kept alive) I never had any problems being limber. Now with all the swelling I'm more like a peg-legged pirate.
I have no idea how these swollen and stiff joints of mine will ever muster something similar to squatting in childbirth. (Squatting expands the pelvis w 28% and is a preferable birthing position).
Oh well, am sure Baby will get out one way or the other.

Now me and my sausage-like fingers are late for work.

Spring, blood pressure and 2 more weeks of work...

The sun is out, Baby has taken as her assignment to strech my uterus and internal organs to the limit and I can again eat sourdough bread without getting nauseous. Thank you Baby! Mama is very happy. When can I enjoy a cup of coffee or tea again?

I haven't blogged for a while. I was at my 32 weeks midwife appointment and my blood pressure was up, there was traces of protein in my urine and I have been quite swollen lately. Also my iron level was lower than ever.

Midwife wanted me to go on sick leave.

I, of course, got terrified of preeclampsia and couldn't sleep all night. Had a headache (also sign of preeclampsia) and painful contractions the next day. Stayed home from work for a day with my feet kept high and watched a bunch of movies and tried not to completely freak out.

Since then I've seen the doctor at the maternity center, but decided not to go on sick leave for now.
Only have 2 more weeks of work.
My blood pressure is higher, but not extremely high. At the most it was 130/90. I've been at 110/60 all through pregnancy thus far. Lately it has been 120-130/80-85.

I've been trying to keep my tempo down, rest a lot and not overexert myself.

The thing is I haven't FELT as exhausted as I used to. I was so shocked at the midwife because, except for the swelling, I had started to actually resemble a normal human being.
Being able to walk at a normal pace, not feel like I'm dead and buried every morning, not being as easily nauseaus etc. I actually thought my iron levels were UP. I actually had some ENERGY again.

Anyho, I talked to the doctor, he said that my body is under pressure from the pregnancy and showing it through higher BP and protein that signals my kidneys are not keeping up. However, it it quite usual for the 3d semester and doesn't have to mean a one way road to preeclampsia.

So I chose to work these last 2 weeks, keep a low tempo and see how I feel day to day. If I don't FEEL well, I will ofcourse stay home.

And I would, of course, never ever want to jeopardize Baby's health. But there seems to be no clear answer as to if my higher blood pressure and my traces of proteins are "normal" for 3d trimester. Or if it is a sign of things going down hill.

Sometimes it's so hard to know what to do...

Also midwife said since we wanted a natural birth she thought I should be on sick leave to rest up for the birthing. She had a valid point I suppose. I wish she would have told us that before the doctors appointment.

Still if Baby is not early, I will have at least 5 weeks off before her due date.

Well, things like this has kept me busy these past weeks.
And practicing hypnobirthing relaxation and resting as much as I can.
At least my BP is not HIGHER. Perhaps it will stay where it is.

This is what I feel like...

Move over nursey!

You have competition for being preggos no 1! Let me introduce you to the wheatbelt!
Pop it in the micro for 2 mins, put it on your aching shoulders (or where ever you have pains) and enjoy a piece of heaven!

Let the sunshine in!

The sun is shining, there is no pollen in the air just yet, baby is doing water gymnastics and I just accidently ate half a package of chocolate chip cookies.

Life is good.

But most of my excellent mood is due to a VERY pleasant experience this morning.
We had Rainbow parentgroup again. This time it was at the hospital where we will birth Baby. Ofcourse, wifey and I had already been there, to meet the "but what if you still can't handle the pain" midwife.
Needless to say, my expectations were beyond low.

Well, wasn't I pleasantly surprised! We were greated by a completely different midwife who was actually HEARING us, eventhough this was in a group setting and not at all a forum for individual birthing preferences.
She immediatley understood what kind of birth we wanted, and as a consequence what we were and were not interested in. Hallelujah!
She was attentive, openminded and efficient.
She hooked us up with the phone nr to a midwife they actually have on staff who has delivered all of her 3 babies at home and is passionate about natural child birth.
I'm gonna call her tomorrow. For an extra fee we can "book" her and have her on call for the birth of Baby, which of course would be so worth it!

Wifey and I have considered hiring a doula. But since most doulas we researched seemed so intune with the medical model of childbirth, we were really wondering if it would be helpful, or just another person we'd have to discuss our choices with.
Now, can we get a fully trained MIDWIFE, during our entire birthing expericence who's passionate about natural childbirth then HALLELUJAH again!
How amazing!
There def. is a God, and she is def. on Baby's side.

The midwife we met this morning also made sure the oral Vitamin K we had requested when we had our "fear of delivery" scheduled talk, was ordered and kept for us. Apparently the EDA-eager midwife from our prior talk had done nothing about it.
Our parent group midwife also seemed to understand what we needed to do to keep my exposure to birch pollen at a minimum and seemed to take my allergies and astma seriously.

I almost wept of gratitude.

She also said that none of the things we requested were anything but really common sense, but that we needed to be clear and remind the staff before coming in to birth Baby.

Well, all in all it seems like there is hope of actually getting supported, and not just questioned, in our wish to birth Baby calmly, safely and with as little intervention as possible.

I think I'm gonna celebrate with a nap in the sun!

Crack of dawn...

...was about when I gave up trying to go back to sleep. My shoulders are killing me. The massage yesterday was lovely. I will go back for more. But it's so not enough to counter balance whatever it is I do in everyday life that cause me to have chest/shoulder/neck muscles of steel. I really need to heal this before the baby comes. I don't want to be in such pain that I can't comfortably carry and breastfeed our tiny treasure.
And by the way, yes, the massage table w the cut-out for your preggo belly was all it's cracked up to be.
The massage therapist told me she'd tried to convince a bedding company to make mattresses for the market from a similiar design since all the preggos she saw was in complete extacy over it.
No one wanted to do it yet.
Perhaps I'll make my own.

Anyho, as I laid in bed, tossing and turning,I was contemplating everytning from my career dive to how on earth I am going to raise and be responsible for another human being for the rest of my life. I also thought of breasts.



Let me explain.
Last night wifey and I was at our second parent training lecture at the hospital. This time it was about nursing.

The first time was a 4 hr long ordeal with a midwife who spent her time terrifying every woman in the room of the PAIN of giving birth, and then going through all the pain medications available.

She also told us that babies feel no pain for the first 20-30 mins of their lives ( I thought we abandoned that myth about around the time when Dr Mengeles heydays were over?). And that no matter how tired you are you need to get up and move around and be active during labor for it to progress.
Unless you have an epidural. In that case, I quote; "you will be so RELAXED your body will do the work for you even if you are resting".
Ok.
I actually raised my hand in this auditorium of about 100 terrified parents-to-be to ask her if you were allowed to rest and let your body do the work for you through relaxation instead of vigorous physical exercise.
She said "well, relaxation is the key". Not really answering my question and moving on to ceasarians. Wifey was so upset by all the nonsens this woman spewed out, she wanted to leave.
I wanted to stay and hear the full extent of the craziness being portrayed as the ultimate truth.
Know thy enemy. Forewarned is forearmed etc.
We need to be prepared for how hospital births are conducted in this country so we know what to say no to and what to accept.

Needless to say, expectations for no 2 in the lecture series was very low.

We were greated by a woman with a baby-doll on her arm and a gigantic plastic boob in her hand.
She waved this boob around now and again during the lecture and we were all terrified she was going to strap it onto her chest to do a nursing imitation.
At one time she said she was going to show us nursing and started pulling at her bra- strap under her blouse.
You could hear the half empty auditorium (apparently we weren't the only ones being put of by the first lecture in the series) gasp for breath and then sigh of relief when she adjusted her strap (without pulling out her boobs) and put on a video of breast feeding.

Now, the video showed breasts left and right, and ofcourse, they needed to do that to demonstrate nursing I suppose.
But what caught on was the casualty after givning birth. The bright lights, the naked mother and baby, hospital staff chatting with the new mom, commenting the baby etc.

And that's what kept returning in my mind. I am NOT comfortable with being naked with fully dressed strangers, no matter if I've given birth or not. Perhaps ESPECIALLY not after doing something so intimate as giving birth.

I don't want to show off my tits and my private parts in a bright room, fully lit, and with a hoard of fully dressed hospital staff poking around.
(Ok, it would be even worse if the staff was naked too.)

But you know, PLEASE, some privacy? Some modesty? I don't want strangers commenting our beautiful little baby. I want that to be a private moment for me, wifey and baby.
When our baby is slowly adjusting to the outside world and rooting for my breast, I don't want some frisky nurse or midwife (who also might have nagged me to run laps in the hallway all night to speed up labor)like a sports commentator telling our baby she's doing good, to go for it etc.

The birth of our baby need to be respected as something as beautiful, tender and sacred. Not like an open sports event where everyone gets to comment on your performance.

By the way, I couldn't help noticing all the babies on the video squinting when trying to look at their parents. No wonder when you have those bright lights in the room.

What animal in nature goes up on the brightest lit mountaintop to give birth to her babies? And in front of an audience? And do physcial exercises to "speed things up"?
From what I remember from nature channel, all animals seek a secluded, dark, safe place to birth. And the lay still, panting, doing so.

Oh well, each time and culture have their view of birth.

I must say that despise of the boob overload, I liked the lecture way more than the first one.
At least this woman seemed intuned with nursing and having a natural approach to babies and mothers (and plastic boobs).
Though I don't think it would have killed them to include at least one woman in the "father" part of the video and atleast titled it "What is the job of a father/other mother".
Atleast they could have let a non bio mom clear out the dishwasher or such.