The Waiting Game...

Back To The Salt Mines

Just relized that I start working again tomorrow morning at 8 o clock. I have, ofcourse, known this inevitable fact for quite some time, but have focused on other things; planning christmas, baking, planning trips, baby J, stick tricks etc.

I don't know how I will survive being without my precious baby 3 days/week. But somehow I will have to.


.

Well.
It's not even 2 month's until christmas holidays. I'll do as the alcoholics and take one day at a time.

As for the no. 2 project we have decided to wait for another cycle.

Our Danish midwife said she thought I couldn't get pregnant because my cycles were too short.
And yes, my cycles have been short (16 days) but they are getting longer, and this past cycle (when we got at pos. ovulationtest) was 21 days. Which, admittedly, is short, but within normal range. I got the pos. test on day 12, which gives a 9 day luteal phase which is completely normal and enough for an egg to implant.
The thing is I just KNEW this cycle would be "normal" eventhough the one before that was a short one (and perhaps without ovulation).
The depressing Dane (not refering to Hamlet) said any cycle under 24 days is not long enough. Which isn't true. Just google, woman!

I just knew this past cycle was a normal one with ovulation. But I didn't have any statistics to prove this since it was the first normal cycle since before baby J.
I just had my body and my intuition telling me it was.
And trusting a womans body and intuition in modern day medicin? BAHAHAHAHAHA! It will not happen people.
The body is viewed as a machine and the medical professionals as it's drivers. The women themselves merely passengers or by standers.

Our Swedish midwife says we can pregnant. She said that even before this past "normal" cycle.
I tend to trust our Swedish one since she actually knows us. The Danish one has met us twice and only talked to us on the phone since baby J.

And anyway, the Dane was the one who was very pessimistic and said we had the timing all wrong when we got pregnant w baby J.
I chose then to trust my instinct and not her statistics. And I got pregnant.

This time I choose to trust my instincts, my body, our Swe midwife and scientific facts over the opinions of our Dane midwife.

My cycles ARE long enough (and I think this next one will be even longer, 23-24 days), I got a pos. ovulation test on the same day in the cycle as before and my periods are getting back to normal.
I will not stop nursing as the Dane suggested, we will not take hormone tests and we will get pregnant.

That's our game plan.

I am so sick of this attitude of always expecting everything to go wrong. To look for complications and problems and always - without doubt - disregard my own knowledge, relationship and feel for my body.

The reason we will wait another cycle has thus NOTHING to do with the neg. Dane, but the fact that if we would get pregnant this upcoming cycle, I would not be able to go to Italy for pollen season. I would be too pregnant to be able to fly.

So we're waiting. But still checking for ovulation of course. I'm guessing it will show up on cycle day 12-14.

All I Want For Christmas Is You!

I am extremely happy to report that the smiley showed up despite of nursing and weird cycles. It even showed up on the same cycle day and the SAME CLOCK HOUR as the cycle when we made baby J.
How about that!?
I trusted my instinct. I wasn't supposed to test until the following morning, but I had this nagging sense I should. And, well, what can I tell you? It's def. time to start dealing with the birth trauma and start trusting my body again.
It will tell me all I need to know. Through millions of years of evolution and foremothers my body has primed itself to tell me what I and my babies need. It doesn't matter that modern maternity care and medical birth professionals won't listen. I need to. Because this divine invention I can call my own is beconing me into motherhood once again. And all I can do is follow it's lead and rejoice.
I have one amazing little person that my body has created, and now we might have another one. The ovulation stick is smiling, and so do we!

We can try for another baby!!!

We are so exited!

So now all wifey and I want for Christmas is a little grain of baby rice growing in my womb and in our hearts.


As for what baby J wants; I'm sure it will be difficult to get a sibling. But he is also very fond of babies and loves company. I think he will be a wonderful big brother.
Though I'm not too sure how he will feel about nursing with competition.

My dream is to continue nursing baby J through pregnancy and then tandem nurse until he is ready to let go himself.
We will see how it works out. This first pregnancy and breastfeeding experience has taught me to be humble to the circumstances.
We will just see how it goes.


We are going to try for a baby next cycle. If we get all the paperwork and blood tests in order before that.
AMAZING!

I have also decided that this pregnancy will be celebrated as the miracle it is. I will not have another anxious pregancy and traumatic birth.
This time I will be strong, centered and confident.
This time I will take care of myself, my body, my growing baby and baby J.
This time I will protect my mind, my body, my heart and my children.
And I will give birth at home in a safe and calm environment. And the hospital can keep their kaos, drama, stress and inductions.
My next baby will have the birth and the mother it deserves. A mother that protects. A mother that is strong. A mother that trusts her body and her instincts and acts accordingly. I will never again be bullied into having a birth that is harmful and traumatic to me and my baby.
I will never again lose myself and my baby to other peoples whims and opinions.

This pregnancy and birth will be a healing journey.

Round Two!

I'm back! Just started hunting the little happy dude that signals it's time to try for baby no 2!

My cycles are a mess and I'm still breastfeeding, so who knows if it's even possible to get pregnant at this time. But the hunt has begun and I will try to keep you updated! When I'm not busy chasing the cutest toddler in the history of the universe.
Yes. I want another one!

Happy Pride!

Happy Pride everyone! Radio silence might not be over, but I'm here for a quick hello!
Update on life in general is; Lesbo Mama is finally losing weight, it might not come off quickly but it's coming off, every single week.
Baby J has grown and can now; run, talk, eat real foods and charm every living thing that comes in his way. Ok, that last one is not new.

We had lunch today and a couple of gay guys at the table next to us complimented Baby J and said they wish they had had kids before they were too old.

Lesbo Mamas words of wisdom; HAVE KIDS! NOW!

You will never, ever regret it.

What I realized myself is that once you have a child, nothing else matters. That wonderful, new little being that is trotting the earth, chasing pigeons and pouring apple juice all over him/herself is the only thing that will ever truly matter any more.

Happy Pride everyone! And have lots of babies!

Night Light

Today I bought my son a night light. Before that I bought him a hat. Before that I bought wifey the tools needed to make a birthday cake that looks like the Death Star.


I bought a lot of things I didn't think I would buy.
Shopping is always a good distraction.
I think I was trying to shop away death.


Death has been crossing my path lately. My grandfather is getting close to 90 and has decided he is done with this world. He stopped eating and drinking 2 weeks ago. His heart is strong. A life time of healthy eating has primed him for eternity. The doctor said with his heart he could live to be 120.
But he doesn't want to.
We went to say Good Bye.
Baby J jumped on grandfathers bed. I stroked grandfathers cheek. He lifted his crooked hand from out of his sheet and baby J grabbed his finger. I told him baby J almost had his name. It could be interpreted as if baby J was named after him. Which is neither true, nor untrue.
But I thought it would make grandfather happy to think so.

Wifey was asked by my mother to wait outside.
A lesbian wife is not welcomed in the room of a dying grandfather. She will have to sit out. I understand that the fear is she will speed up the process. The excuse was that they had never met before.
My cousins boyfriend was invited to sit with my grandfather. They had never met before either.
I said nothing about it.
My heart took note and another brick was secured in the wall that separates a lesbian family from an accepted family.

We slept in my grandparents house. I had not been there since my grandmother passed away over 15 yrs ago. All the furniture, the pictures, the smells and the way the sun broke through the window panes was the same.
Baby J played on the same rug I had played on as a baby.
Christmases, Easters, summers. Those long lost days of childhood.
As we drove out of town I missed my grandmother, my dog, and the days when life seemed simpler.

In some ways life is still simple I suppose.
My son is afraid of the dark. So I buy him a night light.
He is still not aware that there are things in life mama can't fix.
I will wrap his childhood around him like a warm, secure blanket. And in days to come, even in the valley of the shadow, he will fear no evil. He will remember deep inside of him that there is a love so vast and all consuming no darkness can creep in. There is always a Night Light.

The Strangest Hour

This past night a mother died.
She never saw her baby. Never held her, outside her womb.

I knew her in the way you know the close friend of a close friend. You see them from time to time as time goes by, and time goes by so quickly.

And then comes the day.
And the hour.
The strangest hour.
When you lay in your bed sleeping. Your baby waving his little fists in the middle of a dream. All is calm. Peaceful. And in some other part of the City, in a hospital room; a last exhale.
A heart stops.
Leaves behind a man.
A baby.
And a thousand tears.

And you can not understand.
Because she was here.
And now she is not.
She was alive.
And now she is not.

It is so incomprehensible the words go dry. All that remain is sadness.

Co-sleeping with Bruce Lee

Baby J has turned our family bed into a night time martial arts center. I awake with a small head pushing into my ribs. I awake yet again with a tiny foot kicking my forehead. But inbetween, I wake up from baby laughter, or a tiny hand pulling on my breast, wanting to nurse. Ok, sometimes that little hand is pinching my nipple, waking me up REAL fast.

"Baby J, I Am Your Father..."

Some time ago, wifey got baby J a Yoda doll. (Wifey is a hard core Star Wars fan since childhood). At first baby J was scared of the doll(who can blame him?). As he grew older, he came to love it. As soon as he sees it he bursts out lauging. (Yoda does look kind of funny). This past month Yoda had been left alone in our country house, while the rest of us spent 2+ weeks in the city. When baby J was reunited with his doll he shrieked with joy, burried his head in the dolls plush face and yelled " PA-PA!". OK. Is it time start worrying that the Star Wars influence on this family is getting a bit too much? I mean, yes, we might not be an ordinary nuclear hetero family. But I'm not too fond of the idea of my son growing up thinking a Yoda doll is his father. Wifey, on the other hand, is thrilled.

The Beard Issue

Some women do grow beards, and some men don't. But let's be gender normative and assume that beards belong to the male population. As such, beards might very well be something that fathers usually wears.
Which leads us to the brilliant conclusion of how to manage the absence of fathers in (most) lesbians families. In the manner of Santa Clause (who visits Swedish children on Christmas Eve) one could simply, as a lesbian mother, slip out of the house, claiming to buy a news paper. (In the 70's it was still PC to claim to go out to buy cigarettes). You then put on the beard you stashed somewhere convenient and re-appear in the household as a HO HO HO daddy.

If your significant other is attracted to bearded ladies, the beard might also come in handy on Date Night.

This, and other important issues, as when to call the social services on each other, is what we discuss at lesbian mama group.

A Black Marker...

...is a very handy tool if you are a Lesbo Mama and want to protect your child from feeling like an outsider before he even has a language.
For baby Js christening we got a baby book; those where you fill in blanks of height, weight, family tree etc. Of course there are blanks for mother and FATHER, of which baby J has zero.
Enter black marker and a little editing.

For Christmas baby J got a baby book with a cranky baby. How very suiting for our little tooth crank. Until cranky book baby started looking for his PAPPA.
Enter back marker, a little editing and now cranky book baby is looking for his MAMMA instead. She's in the kitchen making dinner. Sporting a beard.

Soon enough baby J will realize that a lot of babies have a mother and a father. And that society at large think this is the most desirable form of family.

But until he atleast has a language for his feelings and perceptions, I want to protect him from the stereotyped world and make him feel completely loved, safe and normal in his very ordinary family of 2 mothers.

Happy Belated New Year!

New Years Eve with a baby. Let me rephrase that; New Years Eve with a tooth-cranky baby. After putting baby J to sleep over and over again, it was 3 o clock in the morning and we realized that we were not going to get any "grown up time" and celebrate the New Year. We headed off to bed instead.

Earlier, at the magic struck of midnight I was stuck in bed breastfeeding the cranky little man, and had been for the past 45 mins. Wifey came with a wine glass of sparkly water and asked if I wanted a straw so we could toast the New Year.

As my friend A said; New Years is never the same after you have a baby. She has two and obviously knows what she is talking about.

Well, not being able to celebrate New Years (I accidently wrote New Tears, Freudian slip?), is no reason not to have a list of resolutions.

In 2012 I will;

Be a better Mama and take baby J to open pre-school more often
Obviously lose a ton of weight
Get more sleep (might need a miracle for that one)

I will let you know how it all works out!