V.14 + 0

Today I woke up and felt sorry for myself and my aching body. Had hot chocolate for breakfast; and Hello morning sickness!
Sugar just doesn't agree w my babies. Or if it's the caffeine.

I am so ready for the "morning" (24/7) sickness to be over with. I think it lasted until week 14 last time. But today does not seem like a promise of better days...

I'm trying not to turn this into a trauma blog. But giving birth and that awful experience at the hospital last time is pretty much all I think about. I laid awake between 2 and 6 this morning just going over and over it in my mind.

And I decided two things;
I will not put my foot in a hospital again. It is not safe.
I will have to find a way to heal and get past this.

I am trying to figure out what I need to feel better and deal with all the anxiety and trauma. Laying awake instead of getting well needed sleep is not very constructive.

I don't feel like taking another birth-class. Since they all are adapted to the medical way of giving birth. Even the pre natal yoga class I took last time was not focused on natural child birth. The woman who gave it had a horrible birth (in hospital) herself and got so traumatized she got psychotic afterwards.
Not very uplifting.
(And I still don't understand why she did downward facing dog during her labour. Wouldn't you want to work WITH gravity?).

What I am looking for is some sort of support. Some sort of haven. People who actually believe, and preferably have experienced, that women can birth normally.

For now, what I have is my beloved DVD of the turban-lady pre natal yoga. I start crying everytime I do it. Which is also a reason not to take public pre natal yoga class right now.
I think it's a reaction that says a lot of how I simply shut down my body during the hospital trauma. Now I'm trying to awake it. And even though it's painful I think it is also a way to begin to heal.

Turban yoga lady says there is no fear in love. And I believe her. And I do love my baby growing inside me. And that will be the focus that will help me let go of the fear.