"Love Is The Opposite Of Fear"

..says the crazy-turban-lady with the funny name. Leading the prenatal yoga class I so fell in love with while pregnant w baby J. The class I was always too tired to do, since I then chose work before my health, well being, pregnancy and baby.
This will not happen again.

This is a new pregnancy. A new beginning. A new journey. And I have no room for fear. Stress. Anxiety. All the things that broke and splintered me last time.

I am a mother, a woman, a being, not a machine. I will not let this fast-paced modern world drive me away from the strength and innate wisdom of my body.
I can give birth.

I think of the trauma of the birth of baby J. And instead of feeling like a failure I choose to remember what a midwife told me afterwards.
There I was, in her office. Sweating, crying, traumatized, not been able to sleep for days. Baby J and wifey pacing the courtyard outside her office.
My story of the horrific birth was like a vomit. I could not stop it. I spewed it out all over this unknown, calm, sympathetic woman.

She said;
"...and despite of all this. You still gave birth to you baby."
Despite.
You.
Gave.
Birth.

And yes, this is what I now carry with me.
Despite of it all.
We had our triumph.

They did not rip my baby from my body.
They did all the things I asked them not to do. Bereft. Raped. I could not protect myself, nor my beloved baby. I failed as a mother. They took it all from me. They gave me drugs I refused, that made my body revolt in allergic reactions, they pumped me full with all the things I knew were bad for me and my baby. They stripped me naked and put me in hospital wear, though I had asked to wear my own clothes. They stripped me of all integrity and the last of my humanity. I was just a naked body to them. Another animal led to the slaughter. I was alone in utter darkness.

After my allergic shock to the epidural - that they told me I HAD TO HAVE for them to LET me rest after 2,5 day without sleep - they left me alone.
Alone for a while in that horrid room. And they all expected a cesarian. I knew it as certain as if they had said it out loud.
What they did say was:
"They (who? the doctors? refering to themselves in 3d person?) will not LET you labour for forever".
"The baby will not be born until earliest next night (= too far off = cesarian). "

And what did we do? Baby J and I?
When left alone I concentrated on my breathing, on relaxing. Wifey fell asleep in the other end of the room.
Baby J, perhaps feeling the change in environment and in my body when the room was empty of unknown people, pessimistic energy and hurtful interventions; moved down my pelvis.

I rested for a while; which I had asked to do the past 2 days, request being declined. Instead being stressed w interventions and medications to force forth my baby without my bodys consent.

After the rest I gave birth to Baby J in 45 min.
My baby and I.
We birthed.


I want to say unassisted. For what little I asked for (someone holding my leg which cramped) was ignored.
Instead I got instructions on how to push which I, in turn, whole heartedly ignored. My body was telling me what to do. There was no chance in hell I was going to listen to these people who had done nothing but hurt me and my baby.

"Is your contraction over?"
Asked the midwife.
"Yes", I said. Fully knowing it wasn't, and that she could see on the monitor that I was lying. I did not care. My body told me not to push harder, so I didn't.

"I know this hurts", the midwife said, repeatedly. Like a mantra.
"No, actually it doesn't so just shut the f*ck up and let me concentrate!" I thought. But said nothing out loud.

My baby was born without me breaking or tearing in any serious way.
I can't help thinking that if I had ignored my body and listened to them, I might have torn as badly as the other women I've talked to.

So what is left now?
I remember the terror.
The darkness.
The feeling of utter powerlessness.

I remember giving up and shutting down communication with the outside world, when I realised nothing I wanted or needed was respected. When I realised that these people were not going to help me, support me or believe in me and my birth.

When I realised that all I had left was myself and that single thought; "don't panic, try to relax."
I told myself the baby was not going to die. And I didn't really care anymore what happened to me nor my body after all the violations that had left me an empty shell. No longer connected or in control over what they did to my body.

And despite.
Despite all this.
I gave birth.

I birthed my baby. We did it together. Baby J. As strong as the fiercest gladiator. Never wavering, never an uneven heartbeat, never giving them an excuse to terminate our labour. Soldering on. My strong, calm little boy. We did it. They took it all from me. They hurt me in ways that left me scarred for life.
But this trauma can not take take from me that I did it.
I gave birth to my child.
Despite all they did to me, my body and my baby.

There is something stronger than fear.
And it protected us when I thought I had nothing left.
Love.

And So We Meet Again...

Remember the extreme tiredness from pregnancy #1?
It's back! With an extra side order of toddler intensity.

As I promised, both myself, wifey, Toddler J and my midwife, I would take better care of myself this pregnancy. Meaning going on sick leave when too tired to work.
Oh, the anxiety. Martin Luther (the old one, not Dr King)is rolling over in his hard working grave.

Besides asthma, allergies and being low in iron, I can now add an underactive thyroid to the list of possible fatigue causers.
My best bet is asthma and allergies, since I was this exhausted last pregnancy too, without the thyroid going crazy.
I felt better towards the end, which my asthma doctor later told me was very common when it came to pregnancy and asthma.

So here I am. Barley in week 12 and on sick leave.
I feel relieved to not have to sit at work and take care of other people while just wanting to die myself from feeling exhausted, nauseous and stressed out.
I feel guilty for being on sick leave and not working to support myself like a proper person.
But, as I tell my patients daily, anxiety will pass in time.

Now I will take a well needed nap while Toddler J is out in the sun w grandma.

The Hunger Game

...when you just can't go back to sleep at 5.30 in the morning because you just HAVE to EAT.

2 rye bread sandwiches w cheese (yes, I can eat cheese this time)later I feel more like a human being and less like a black hole ready to implode of hunger.

As for the nausea. If it's anything like the last time; just 3-4 more weeks to go! (Yes I know it might seem like a lot, but it is a WHOLE lot better than having 8 weeks to go!)

Besides being able to eat cheese, the biggest difference this pregnancy is that I'm still nursing toddler J. It is not as uncomplicated as I thought it would be.
The nausea and over all pregnancy sensitivity makes nursing pretty miserable for mama. As for toddler J; the more I pull back, the more desperately he wants to nurse.
Of course, it could be a normal increase, due to us spending more time apart when I work etc. Had I not been nauseous and miserable I might not have given it a second thought.

I still let him nurse, of course. But try to distract him with other things when possible. Hopefully it will feel better once the nausea settles.

Ok. Gotta go. Toddler J is pulling at my leg and calling for attention.

Leap Forward...

... bouncing back is out of style.

The phantom signs were my new little rose announcing her presence.

This pregnancy will be same, same but different. I have decided to not go crazy this time. Not be anxious. Not terrified. What will be will be. I will try to enjoy my baby and have peace of mind this time.

It is not easy when you feel sick 24/7 and just want to crawl away under a blanket to die. I have told wifey this is def. the last time I'm pregnant. I'm sick of feeling sick, I'm sick of feeling exhausted, I'm sick of being bound by someone either living in my body or feeding off of it, or both. After almost 3 years, I'm ready to have some space of my own back.

That's when you call in Grandma to babysit so you can enjoy your nausea without energetic Toddler J jumping at your belly at the same time.

Do I sound ungrateful? I don't mean to.

I am ofcourse superhappy to be pregnant. It couldn't have come at a better time, for a myriad of reasons.

The Danish midwife who told us not to try. "You can not become pregnant" were her exact words over the phone. First; stop breastfeeding, second; wait for at least 6 months. That was their advice.
Their weary eyes when we showed up anyway.

Well... what can I say?
Trust your bodies ladies, not statistics!
Leap forward!

Phantom Pregnancy Signs

Nausea

Extreme tiredness

Pulling feeling in the uterus

All of this can be attributed to flu season, poor sleep due to bed sharing w toddler and having done an IUI.

This weekend is the earliest we can take a test. I'm trying to keep a moderate level of hope and entusiasm as the last cycles 8 neg. pregnancy tests were a real spirit breaker.

The Waiting Game...

Back To The Salt Mines

Just relized that I start working again tomorrow morning at 8 o clock. I have, ofcourse, known this inevitable fact for quite some time, but have focused on other things; planning christmas, baking, planning trips, baby J, stick tricks etc.

I don't know how I will survive being without my precious baby 3 days/week. But somehow I will have to.


.

Well.
It's not even 2 month's until christmas holidays. I'll do as the alcoholics and take one day at a time.

As for the no. 2 project we have decided to wait for another cycle.

Our Danish midwife said she thought I couldn't get pregnant because my cycles were too short.
And yes, my cycles have been short (16 days) but they are getting longer, and this past cycle (when we got at pos. ovulationtest) was 21 days. Which, admittedly, is short, but within normal range. I got the pos. test on day 12, which gives a 9 day luteal phase which is completely normal and enough for an egg to implant.
The thing is I just KNEW this cycle would be "normal" eventhough the one before that was a short one (and perhaps without ovulation).
The depressing Dane (not refering to Hamlet) said any cycle under 24 days is not long enough. Which isn't true. Just google, woman!

I just knew this past cycle was a normal one with ovulation. But I didn't have any statistics to prove this since it was the first normal cycle since before baby J.
I just had my body and my intuition telling me it was.
And trusting a womans body and intuition in modern day medicin? BAHAHAHAHAHA! It will not happen people.
The body is viewed as a machine and the medical professionals as it's drivers. The women themselves merely passengers or by standers.

Our Swedish midwife says we can pregnant. She said that even before this past "normal" cycle.
I tend to trust our Swedish one since she actually knows us. The Danish one has met us twice and only talked to us on the phone since baby J.

And anyway, the Dane was the one who was very pessimistic and said we had the timing all wrong when we got pregnant w baby J.
I chose then to trust my instinct and not her statistics. And I got pregnant.

This time I choose to trust my instincts, my body, our Swe midwife and scientific facts over the opinions of our Dane midwife.

My cycles ARE long enough (and I think this next one will be even longer, 23-24 days), I got a pos. ovulation test on the same day in the cycle as before and my periods are getting back to normal.
I will not stop nursing as the Dane suggested, we will not take hormone tests and we will get pregnant.

That's our game plan.

I am so sick of this attitude of always expecting everything to go wrong. To look for complications and problems and always - without doubt - disregard my own knowledge, relationship and feel for my body.

The reason we will wait another cycle has thus NOTHING to do with the neg. Dane, but the fact that if we would get pregnant this upcoming cycle, I would not be able to go to Italy for pollen season. I would be too pregnant to be able to fly.

So we're waiting. But still checking for ovulation of course. I'm guessing it will show up on cycle day 12-14.