Finally!

We have decided on a home birth midwife.
A ton of anxiety has lifted off my shoulders and I almost believe the dream of a peaceful birth at home will come true. There seem to be nothing that stands in the way of a home birth, after the initial interview anyway.

She didn't say a word about my asthma, which other midwives has warned me will be the reason the OB you need to see in w 35 will say no to a home birth. We will see I guess, but the dream seems within my reach, which is closer than it has seemed before.

Now I can put a lot of anxiety behind me and go on to cultivate my garden, as Voltaire suggested.

I'm just waiting for the last of the pollen to get the blooming done with, and then we're moving out in our country house and I'm going to focus on my strawberry garden.

Just hope we get to the berries before the slugs do.

Birth Story

Wifey has bought the film Birth Story from Itunes and we're going to see it tonight. If toddler J is willing to go to sleep at a resonable hour.

It's a documentary about the midwife Ina May Gaskin and the natural childbirth movement that started in the US in the 70s.

It is just what we need to get back on track after the ultrasound.

Wifey actually cried after the ultrasound. Neither of us was comfortable doing it. I think it was the whole context of the situation, besides the actual ultrasound.

Again, we were in a medical setting, wanting one thing that is very much against the norm, and being viewed as crazy people. Again, we had to explain ourselves. Defend our choices.
I didn't even bother to recite any of the research, though I would have if the midwife had questioned us.
Now, we were just viewed as weird.

And you know what, I can deal w that. Knowing that I do what is best for my child.
I couldn't care less.

It's like all those people who told me to stop breastfeeding, pushed formula, or gave me crappy advice that easily could have led to an end to mine and baby Js nursing.
They can say what they want.
Then can think I'm an insane person that still nurse my 2 year old on demand.
(And let me tell you, his demand of playing w his cars/busses/tractors/legos usually wins out over the nursing demand).

But, what I have is a healthy, happy, smart, calm and secure little man who sleeps through the night and bounces back remarkably quick the few times he gets a cold/fever.

So I'm very happy w the decision to solder on w the nursing, even when it was difficult.

And I'm not happy about having to do an ultrasound and disturbe Rose Bud in her little nest. But if 5 min of discomfort for her will be the key to a safe, calm and beautiful birth, then it has to be worth it.

Ultrasound

Yes, Lesbo Mama, or go on, just call me Hippie Mama, went against all the research she'd read and had a very quick ultrasound on Little Rose Bud.

All to protect my home birth.
If you can't be certain it isn't twins you're not eligible. And apparently ultrasound is the only way to know this for certain, according to the medical community.
That I was certain it's only one child is of no importance.
That ultrasound actually can miss both twins and triplets (the little miracles can be hiding behind eachother)didn't matter either.

So. We did it. We had a very fast and very uncomfortable ultrasound.
The baby is there (of course she is, I feel her move all the time).
She is alive, (of course she is, see above).
And the placenta is in an excellent position (no surprise there either. And even IF it would have been low, 98% of the time it moves as the uterus grows and presents no problem).

I don't think we had the exam for more than 3-5 min. Compared to the 20 mins that is usual.

Other than, as always, having to explain ourselves and being viewed as freaks, I think it went as well as it could have.

"Oh but this is what ALL parents look forward to!!!" the midwife said.

Yes, I am sure they do. And I am also sure they have not read the books nor the research I have or they would not be so excited.

"It is a chance to see your baby!".

Yes, lady, but, to be honest, have anyone ever seen the difference between babies in those blurry pictures the scan produces?

I was joking w wifey later that perhaps they just run a DVD of a random child on that screen and print a stereotype pic of a fetus for you to take home. Who can tell the difference anyway?

And, besides. I FEEL my child all the time. I bond w her through my body and my heart. I don't need a machine telling me she is there och to make me bond w her.

"Oh, look, the baby is waving at you!" the midwife said.

Yes, or perhaps raising her hands to protect her ears, which is very common, since ultrasound produces atlest 80 decibel for the baby in the womb.

Don't get me wrong. I think it is great the technology exists; IF needed.

If I had a severe bleeding, suspected a misscarriage, if I had had several misscarriges, a known genetic defect in the family etc, etc, etc I would absolutley have an ultrasound. Because I would gain information relevant to the situation.

The only "information" we got was that according to statistic messurements, the babys due date got moved + 1 week.

We are lesbians. We inseminate. The frozen sperm is not as hardy as fresh sperm and doesn't live as long. That it swam around in my body for more than 1,5 week before conception is just not possible.
To add to the odds, I had very short cycles. So my guess is our estimated due date was a bit generous to begin w.

Perhaps baby just decided to grow her head another milimeter a week later than her peers.

It seems very ridiculous. But. Common sense has no place in the era of machines and statistics.

So, our due date has changed and I will most likely give birth in week 38-39, instead of week 39-40.

Oh well. At least they can't force an induction on me for going past my due date as easily. :)

V 21

After 3 weeks of vacation by the sea more than half the pregnancy has passed.
I did prenatal yoga a couple of times. But mostly just alternated between the beach, the pool and the spa. Letting toddler J set the agenda for each day. Mommies tagging along while he ran, swam and dug his way through our days.
Lovely times.

I did read Orgasmic Birth


and Bountiful, beautiful, blissful.


Wifey and I talked about giving birth and all that happened last time. Each time I read of normal births I feel so cheated out of mine. Because mine WAS normal. But the made us think otherwise to get their way.
They took my and my babys birth from us and I can never get that back. I will never know why. Perhaps just because they were short on rooms. I go crazy thinking about it. I have to accept that it happened but I don't know how I can do that.I think the biggest obstacle is that I can't guarantee I won't end up in the hospital this time. I have no control over what will happen by the end of pregnancy. And IF we do, how can I survive another trauma like that?
How can I ever trust these people ever again after all they did to us the first time?

Other than that, vacation was a time to rest from all the preparations and work involved in preparing for a home birth.

I still need to write down my birth story for the hypnobirthing class we're taking. I've started so many times but get caught in the trauma and can't go on. I feel like I did when I was giving birth; like I'm on trial. Like I have to defend myself, explain myself, fight against people w all the power an no empathy.

Next week we're meeting the homebirth midwife. I feel really nervous. I'm scared I won't click w her and then we have to go on trying to find others. It's very uncommon w home births in Swe, so it's not exactly a big market to choose from.
Maybe I'm just oversensitive. BUT I promised myself I would listen to my intuition this time when it comes to who's allowed to participate in the birth of my next child.
We will see I guess. It is a tricky business trying to rely on your insticts and intuition when you are also traumatized and get anxious by very little.
My goal is to do yoga atleast every other day to keep myself grounded and centered.

I am atleast happy w the hypnobirth woman we found, she seems to be on the same wavelenght as us. I'm excited both to try hypnosis for the trauma and to get the hypnobirthing tools for wifey and me to use at the next birth.

RMDR and hypnosis, and to certain extent CBT, has great track records for working w trauma. Though I believe, as I read in orgasmic birth, that birth trauma - like rape - is such a physical trauma it is difficult to heal with "talk therapy". I'm also thinking since cortex is (at least primed to be if the mother is not too disturbed and interrupted) dormant during birth, the trauma becomes so primal, so ingrained in our most basic functions it is difficult to reach through reason.
Yes, trauma is always this way.
But when giving birth a woman is so vulnerable and receptive. You have to be to stay in touch with your baby and the birht process. All the information you have of your baby and your body and it needs. All that information that gets completely ignored by the so called professionals.
I was so vulnerable. Unable to express myself. To my big surprise, my defense was not fight, nor flight. When they coerced their medications on me under the threath that my baby would not live other wise my mind chose 2 things.
To stay calm in the face of panic and to chose the last defence; freeze.

Perhaps I did the best I could. I knew staying calm was the only thing I could do to help my baby. And I did that to the best of my ability. Even if that meant I didn't object out loud to all the things I screamed NO!!! at on the inside. Even if that meant I was apologetic and polite to the people that hurt me and my child.
I realised I had no support, no one on my side. And I decided to go into myself and do the best I could to support myself and my child through the nightmare.

Now that I know this could be the way I react in childbirth, it feels even more vital that I surround myself ONLY w support. Only w people who believe in me and my birth. That I surround myself only with love.

The thing that makes me so sure that what I experienced was real is that the few ones I did NOT experience as a stressful, pessimistic influence was; the narcotic doctor who laid the epidural. There is no way what so ever that this person who was 1, a man (which I specifically asked not to have present at my birth) and 2. did something I was not willing to do (have an epidural), would in any way be calming. But. There was something in his demenor, his energy, his way of interacting that made me feel calm and safe. He was not a stressed and pessimistic person waiting for disaster.
Which makes me even more certain that my reading of all the other people involved in my first birth were correct and not imagined out of my own fear.

The second person was the midwife who was present when baby J was born.
When I later spoke to her on the phone, she said; when I walked into the room I saw a mother who was beyond exhausted and who was going to give birth to her baby.
She saw me.
And I felt it.
She knew I was going to give birth to my baby. And I felt her faith in me. And that faith was what I needed after all the negative people, all the threats, all the depressing and suffocating, stressful and nervous energy that told me bascially everyone was just waiting for the doctor to call it quits and to do a cesarian.

I just needed someone to see me. And someone to believe in me. As I desperately tried to continue to do despite all they said and did to undermine my birth.
She did. And I remember that. I remember how it felt. Though it was never anything she uttered with words.
And that kind of faith, or love if you will, is what I need to surround myself with in my second birth.

For just as birth is a sensitive window where you can be damaged beyond understanding, so it is a window for healing without words. And that is what I'm hoping for this second time.

Today

I am grateful for the baby growing inside me.
I am grateful for my Beautiful toddler J who is developing quicker than a ray of light.
I am grateful for being a mother.
I am grateful for wifey standing beside me, holding my hand through it all.
I am grateful that we didn't lose eachother in the pain of all that happened to us.
I am grateful that we are family, we have faith, we are strong.
I am grateful that the greatest of all is love.

V.14 + 0

Today I woke up and felt sorry for myself and my aching body. Had hot chocolate for breakfast; and Hello morning sickness!
Sugar just doesn't agree w my babies. Or if it's the caffeine.

I am so ready for the "morning" (24/7) sickness to be over with. I think it lasted until week 14 last time. But today does not seem like a promise of better days...

I'm trying not to turn this into a trauma blog. But giving birth and that awful experience at the hospital last time is pretty much all I think about. I laid awake between 2 and 6 this morning just going over and over it in my mind.

And I decided two things;
I will not put my foot in a hospital again. It is not safe.
I will have to find a way to heal and get past this.

I am trying to figure out what I need to feel better and deal with all the anxiety and trauma. Laying awake instead of getting well needed sleep is not very constructive.

I don't feel like taking another birth-class. Since they all are adapted to the medical way of giving birth. Even the pre natal yoga class I took last time was not focused on natural child birth. The woman who gave it had a horrible birth (in hospital) herself and got so traumatized she got psychotic afterwards.
Not very uplifting.
(And I still don't understand why she did downward facing dog during her labour. Wouldn't you want to work WITH gravity?).

What I am looking for is some sort of support. Some sort of haven. People who actually believe, and preferably have experienced, that women can birth normally.

For now, what I have is my beloved DVD of the turban-lady pre natal yoga. I start crying everytime I do it. Which is also a reason not to take public pre natal yoga class right now.
I think it's a reaction that says a lot of how I simply shut down my body during the hospital trauma. Now I'm trying to awake it. And even though it's painful I think it is also a way to begin to heal.

Turban yoga lady says there is no fear in love. And I believe her. And I do love my baby growing inside me. And that will be the focus that will help me let go of the fear.

"Love Is The Opposite Of Fear"

..says the crazy-turban-lady with the funny name. Leading the prenatal yoga class I so fell in love with while pregnant w baby J. The class I was always too tired to do, since I then chose work before my health, well being, pregnancy and baby.
This will not happen again.

This is a new pregnancy. A new beginning. A new journey. And I have no room for fear. Stress. Anxiety. All the things that broke and splintered me last time.

I am a mother, a woman, a being, not a machine. I will not let this fast-paced modern world drive me away from the strength and innate wisdom of my body.
I can give birth.

I think of the trauma of the birth of baby J. And instead of feeling like a failure I choose to remember what a midwife told me afterwards.
There I was, in her office. Sweating, crying, traumatized, not been able to sleep for days. Baby J and wifey pacing the courtyard outside her office.
My story of the horrific birth was like a vomit. I could not stop it. I spewed it out all over this unknown, calm, sympathetic woman.

She said;
"...and despite of all this. You still gave birth to you baby."
Despite.
You.
Gave.
Birth.

And yes, this is what I now carry with me.
Despite of it all.
We had our triumph.

They did not rip my baby from my body.
They did all the things I asked them not to do. Bereft. Raped. I could not protect myself, nor my beloved baby. I failed as a mother. They took it all from me. They gave me drugs I refused, that made my body revolt in allergic reactions, they pumped me full with all the things I knew were bad for me and my baby. They stripped me naked and put me in hospital wear, though I had asked to wear my own clothes. They stripped me of all integrity and the last of my humanity. I was just a naked body to them. Another animal led to the slaughter. I was alone in utter darkness.

After my allergic shock to the epidural - that they told me I HAD TO HAVE for them to LET me rest after 2,5 day without sleep - they left me alone.
Alone for a while in that horrid room. And they all expected a cesarian. I knew it as certain as if they had said it out loud.
What they did say was:
"They (who? the doctors? refering to themselves in 3d person?) will not LET you labour for forever".
"The baby will not be born until earliest next night (= too far off = cesarian). "

And what did we do? Baby J and I?
When left alone I concentrated on my breathing, on relaxing. Wifey fell asleep in the other end of the room.
Baby J, perhaps feeling the change in environment and in my body when the room was empty of unknown people, pessimistic energy and hurtful interventions; moved down my pelvis.

I rested for a while; which I had asked to do the past 2 days, request being declined. Instead being stressed w interventions and medications to force forth my baby without my bodys consent.

After the rest I gave birth to Baby J in 45 min.
My baby and I.
We birthed.


I want to say unassisted. For what little I asked for (someone holding my leg which cramped) was ignored.
Instead I got instructions on how to push which I, in turn, whole heartedly ignored. My body was telling me what to do. There was no chance in hell I was going to listen to these people who had done nothing but hurt me and my baby.

"Is your contraction over?"
Asked the midwife.
"Yes", I said. Fully knowing it wasn't, and that she could see on the monitor that I was lying. I did not care. My body told me not to push harder, so I didn't.

"I know this hurts", the midwife said, repeatedly. Like a mantra.
"No, actually it doesn't so just shut the f*ck up and let me concentrate!" I thought. But said nothing out loud.

My baby was born without me breaking or tearing in any serious way.
I can't help thinking that if I had ignored my body and listened to them, I might have torn as badly as the other women I've talked to.

So what is left now?
I remember the terror.
The darkness.
The feeling of utter powerlessness.

I remember giving up and shutting down communication with the outside world, when I realised nothing I wanted or needed was respected. When I realised that these people were not going to help me, support me or believe in me and my birth.

When I realised that all I had left was myself and that single thought; "don't panic, try to relax."
I told myself the baby was not going to die. And I didn't really care anymore what happened to me nor my body after all the violations that had left me an empty shell. No longer connected or in control over what they did to my body.

And despite.
Despite all this.
I gave birth.

I birthed my baby. We did it together. Baby J. As strong as the fiercest gladiator. Never wavering, never an uneven heartbeat, never giving them an excuse to terminate our labour. Soldering on. My strong, calm little boy. We did it. They took it all from me. They hurt me in ways that left me scarred for life.
But this trauma can not take take from me that I did it.
I gave birth to my child.
Despite all they did to me, my body and my baby.

There is something stronger than fear.
And it protected us when I thought I had nothing left.
Love.