Dancing Baby

Yesterday I watched a dance program. On my laptop with headphones as Toddler J was sleeping and I didn't want to wake him. Baby moved the entire 90 min show.
She does move a lot over all. But not constantly like she did yesterday. She obviously didn't hear the music. But perhaps she felt the dance,as I did.
My body might be tired, heavy and out of (dance)shape. But my mind and heart starts moving with the dancers when I watch, and it is the closest I can get to dancing myself at the moment. Perhaps it made baby dance too.
Def. need to watch more dance as it obviously makes baby (and mama) happy.

Pollen Season...

...seems to never end. I'm usually not that sensitive to grass pollen. But when I'm pregnant I seem to be super sensitive to everything. Still, I'm going to try to go for a 5K walk. Will be very interesting to see how long it takes me, as I get contractions when I walk too briskly.
I'm not really worried, the contractions are mild, doesn't hurt, but still makes it impossible to strech out in a long, good power walk. Any walking is preferable to just being sendentary though.

And I must admit I do enjoy walking extra much when concidering that I could instead be exhausted in my office on an uncomfortable chair, trying to get work done while just wanting to cry. I.e. last pregnancy.

So much is different this time. I have no aches and pains as I did last time. I get to rest when ever I need, which makes the fatigue easy to handle. My asthma is bothersome some days, but since I don't need to stress, keep a schedule or exert myself, it's not really a problem either.

Lesson learned. When listening to the body and meeting it's needs, even medical problems (such as allergies/asthma/fatigue) becomes minor distractions.

Wifey and Toddler J have started going out to our country house for whole days. Which also gives me unlimited time off. The sort of time I haven't had since... God knows, probably before we started to search for a donor, or perhaps even before I met wifey.

I noticed that this morning when they left, my first impuls was not to crash on the sofa and take a nap/watch TV. But I actually have some energy to go do something. There fore the idea of the 5K walk.

I'm also hoping that it might be allergy season drawing to an end, giving me more energy.

A wonderful schedule would be to walk 5K every day and do prenatal yoga atleast every other day. I've signed on to fitocracy.com to give me some motivation and accountability. I don't care if I crawl around 5K and it takes me 2 hrs (instead of the 45 min it takes me when not pregnant). I just want to get moving to get ready for birth.

I had coffee w a friend the other day. She said that all I could do was prepare as best I could for my birth and the just let things happen the way they would.
I agree, ofcourse, since preparing until exhaustion is my usual strategy in life. But... it also made me reflect on my own behavior.
Being very active can sometimes be a negative behavior. If my goal is to be relaxed and focused come child birth. Perhaps the best way to reach that goal is NOT to do a million things to "prepare" and have a high tempo in live. Perhaps it is much more constructive to play w Toddler J, clear the strawberry patch from weed, bake a raw food snack for afternoon tea etc

When watching the Birth Story documentary I noted that the women giving birth naturally did not take a zillion classes, educated themselves to exhaustion on every possible angle of child birth, did not even have prenatal yoga classes.

That, in combination with the hypnobirthing woman backing out of our agreed course w 4 days notice, made me change my perspective.

What happened with the hypnobirthing dissappearing was a bit of shock actually. I had counted on working through my birth trauma with hypnosis, and having the hypnobirthing tools for my next child birth as an important part of my birth plan. After crying for a week, I just let it go.

It was not a very professional thing to do. The hypnobirthing instructor asked me to describe my birth trauma via e-mail (as she said; so she could do a hypnosis treatment based on it), and then she just back out last minute. Saying she could not work on the trauma since I was pregnant. She knew I was pregnant from the start. I really don't understand.
What I do understand however is that I am better off without having to waste any more time or any money on this person.

It is too late to book anyone else now. Summer is here and everyone is on vacation.

I will just have to do this on my own.

And, so what. Women have given birth for the entire history of mankind without classes and "preparations".

And when my friend said that thing of being prepared I thought.
Well. My job is to keep calm, confident and deliver the baby. The midwifes job is to over look the birth for any signs of things not progressing normally. I don't have to worry. I don't HAVE to do a million things to prepare for every imaginable scenario.

I just have to give birth to my baby. And that, I know, I can do.

Until then, I will do things that makes me feel relaxed and strong, such as walking, swimming, yoga, eating well, resting and enjoying life.

Too bad I didn't get to do the hypnobirthing course. But I have my cd's and will just have to use them as a way of practicing relaxation without any additional course material. It will be fine. I think all those years of dance training and body awareness will probably be a better resource than any 3-day course.

And no amount of courses or preparation can give you what you need the most. Which is faith in your bodys ability to birth normally.

Sleepless

And so you wake up from the baby kicking at the bladder, go to the bathroom and then can't go back to sleep. The joys of pregnancy. And tomorrow (well, today actually) is the only day of the entire week that I don't have a babysitter for toddler J. And coffee is not allowed. Hopefully toddler J will take a long nap midday and I might survive.

It is almost midsummer. Which means the sun hardly sets and the birds starts singing at 3 in the morning.

I don't know why I have a hard time getting back to sleep. Perhaps it is hormonal. It is def. not due to anxiety this time.

Saw my midwife today, was ofcourse super nervous of a high blood pressure. Since that's what got the circus going last time I get really worked up about it. It has become one of those trauma triggers for me.

Despite hardly breathing when the blood pressure was taken, I had 110/70. Excellent.

Am very relieved and grateful.

Also got to ask my midwife about the alledged pre eclampsia from my last birth. Got a thing or two sorted out. Apparently you don't even have pre-pre eclampsia, not even a tiniest bit of preeclampsia if your bloodtest doesn't show the liver or kidneys being affected.
I hadn't really understood that before.
From what they told me at the hospital before they let us go home, they had "debated" weather or not I had pre eclampsia and decided I didn't. It even says in an early note in my charts that I DO have pre eclampsia. But apparently I didn't and it's not up for discussion. If the liver and kidneys are not affected, you don't have it.

I was really surprised to hear that. And my midwife said "they probably wanted you to have pre eclampsia to justify their interventions".

Oh well. What can I say.

It doesn't make anything less traumatic, BUT it makes me feel less insecure. It makes the picture clearer. It was never me. It WAS them.

And ofcourse, I can understand that you can suspect something, like pre eclampsia, and act on it, without being certain. But there is just no excuse for the scare tactics and bullying. Not even if I HAD had full blown pre eclampsia.

I do feel stronger knowing that it was nothing wrong with me. That the midwife who called me from the hospital, told me my birth was completely normal and that medically forcing it was completley unneccessary was not just being nice. But truthful.

I HAD a normal birth. Until they destroyed it.

Had I had a calm and loving environment I might even have had a super easy birth. Baby J was in the best and easiest position to give birth. I never even experience "the ring of fire" when pushing him out. It honestly didn't hurt a bit. He was a perfect, average size with a perfect average sized head.
I think my very loose joints and all those years of dance training of being body concious and relaxing certain muscles while others are working payed off.
That I didn't tear badly and was surprised to find that 2 days later it was as if I had never given birth at all, also makes me believe that physically, birth really is not a big deal to the body type I have.

I never had pre eclampsia. My blood pressure was on the high side, but never got out of hand until the strated pumping me full of drugs.

So really.
How difficult can it be to give birth with out all the stress, drama and interventions?

It will be very interesting to see if my blood pressure will be on the high end at all this time. When I get to rest as much as I need through out pregnancy and don't push myself beyond my limits.

An insecurity I had the first time was all the birth stories I heard and read from other people. I felt like since I hadn't actually experienced birth I had no say in the matter. How could I even dare to think that birth could be easy and pain free?

Now that I actually have been through it I feel more entitled to my own opinion. I have experienced it. Take the horrid syntocinon (pictocin) out of the picture and I'm certain my birth would have been completley different.

This time I feel entitled to believe and am excited to find out how wonderful a normal birth can be.

Finally!

We have decided on a home birth midwife.
A ton of anxiety has lifted off my shoulders and I almost believe the dream of a peaceful birth at home will come true. There seem to be nothing that stands in the way of a home birth, after the initial interview anyway.

She didn't say a word about my asthma, which other midwives has warned me will be the reason the OB you need to see in w 35 will say no to a home birth. We will see I guess, but the dream seems within my reach, which is closer than it has seemed before.

Now I can put a lot of anxiety behind me and go on to cultivate my garden, as Voltaire suggested.

I'm just waiting for the last of the pollen to get the blooming done with, and then we're moving out in our country house and I'm going to focus on my strawberry garden.

Just hope we get to the berries before the slugs do.

Birth Story

Wifey has bought the film Birth Story from Itunes and we're going to see it tonight. If toddler J is willing to go to sleep at a resonable hour.

It's a documentary about the midwife Ina May Gaskin and the natural childbirth movement that started in the US in the 70s.

It is just what we need to get back on track after the ultrasound.

Wifey actually cried after the ultrasound. Neither of us was comfortable doing it. I think it was the whole context of the situation, besides the actual ultrasound.

Again, we were in a medical setting, wanting one thing that is very much against the norm, and being viewed as crazy people. Again, we had to explain ourselves. Defend our choices.
I didn't even bother to recite any of the research, though I would have if the midwife had questioned us.
Now, we were just viewed as weird.

And you know what, I can deal w that. Knowing that I do what is best for my child.
I couldn't care less.

It's like all those people who told me to stop breastfeeding, pushed formula, or gave me crappy advice that easily could have led to an end to mine and baby Js nursing.
They can say what they want.
Then can think I'm an insane person that still nurse my 2 year old on demand.
(And let me tell you, his demand of playing w his cars/busses/tractors/legos usually wins out over the nursing demand).

But, what I have is a healthy, happy, smart, calm and secure little man who sleeps through the night and bounces back remarkably quick the few times he gets a cold/fever.

So I'm very happy w the decision to solder on w the nursing, even when it was difficult.

And I'm not happy about having to do an ultrasound and disturbe Rose Bud in her little nest. But if 5 min of discomfort for her will be the key to a safe, calm and beautiful birth, then it has to be worth it.

Ultrasound

Yes, Lesbo Mama, or go on, just call me Hippie Mama, went against all the research she'd read and had a very quick ultrasound on Little Rose Bud.

All to protect my home birth.
If you can't be certain it isn't twins you're not eligible. And apparently ultrasound is the only way to know this for certain, according to the medical community.
That I was certain it's only one child is of no importance.
That ultrasound actually can miss both twins and triplets (the little miracles can be hiding behind eachother)didn't matter either.

So. We did it. We had a very fast and very uncomfortable ultrasound.
The baby is there (of course she is, I feel her move all the time).
She is alive, (of course she is, see above).
And the placenta is in an excellent position (no surprise there either. And even IF it would have been low, 98% of the time it moves as the uterus grows and presents no problem).

I don't think we had the exam for more than 3-5 min. Compared to the 20 mins that is usual.

Other than, as always, having to explain ourselves and being viewed as freaks, I think it went as well as it could have.

"Oh but this is what ALL parents look forward to!!!" the midwife said.

Yes, I am sure they do. And I am also sure they have not read the books nor the research I have or they would not be so excited.

"It is a chance to see your baby!".

Yes, lady, but, to be honest, have anyone ever seen the difference between babies in those blurry pictures the scan produces?

I was joking w wifey later that perhaps they just run a DVD of a random child on that screen and print a stereotype pic of a fetus for you to take home. Who can tell the difference anyway?

And, besides. I FEEL my child all the time. I bond w her through my body and my heart. I don't need a machine telling me she is there och to make me bond w her.

"Oh, look, the baby is waving at you!" the midwife said.

Yes, or perhaps raising her hands to protect her ears, which is very common, since ultrasound produces atlest 80 decibel for the baby in the womb.

Don't get me wrong. I think it is great the technology exists; IF needed.

If I had a severe bleeding, suspected a misscarriage, if I had had several misscarriges, a known genetic defect in the family etc, etc, etc I would absolutley have an ultrasound. Because I would gain information relevant to the situation.

The only "information" we got was that according to statistic messurements, the babys due date got moved + 1 week.

We are lesbians. We inseminate. The frozen sperm is not as hardy as fresh sperm and doesn't live as long. That it swam around in my body for more than 1,5 week before conception is just not possible.
To add to the odds, I had very short cycles. So my guess is our estimated due date was a bit generous to begin w.

Perhaps baby just decided to grow her head another milimeter a week later than her peers.

It seems very ridiculous. But. Common sense has no place in the era of machines and statistics.

So, our due date has changed and I will most likely give birth in week 38-39, instead of week 39-40.

Oh well. At least they can't force an induction on me for going past my due date as easily. :)

V 21

After 3 weeks of vacation by the sea more than half the pregnancy has passed.
I did prenatal yoga a couple of times. But mostly just alternated between the beach, the pool and the spa. Letting toddler J set the agenda for each day. Mommies tagging along while he ran, swam and dug his way through our days.
Lovely times.

I did read Orgasmic Birth


and Bountiful, beautiful, blissful.


Wifey and I talked about giving birth and all that happened last time. Each time I read of normal births I feel so cheated out of mine. Because mine WAS normal. But the made us think otherwise to get their way.
They took my and my babys birth from us and I can never get that back. I will never know why. Perhaps just because they were short on rooms. I go crazy thinking about it. I have to accept that it happened but I don't know how I can do that.I think the biggest obstacle is that I can't guarantee I won't end up in the hospital this time. I have no control over what will happen by the end of pregnancy. And IF we do, how can I survive another trauma like that?
How can I ever trust these people ever again after all they did to us the first time?

Other than that, vacation was a time to rest from all the preparations and work involved in preparing for a home birth.

I still need to write down my birth story for the hypnobirthing class we're taking. I've started so many times but get caught in the trauma and can't go on. I feel like I did when I was giving birth; like I'm on trial. Like I have to defend myself, explain myself, fight against people w all the power an no empathy.

Next week we're meeting the homebirth midwife. I feel really nervous. I'm scared I won't click w her and then we have to go on trying to find others. It's very uncommon w home births in Swe, so it's not exactly a big market to choose from.
Maybe I'm just oversensitive. BUT I promised myself I would listen to my intuition this time when it comes to who's allowed to participate in the birth of my next child.
We will see I guess. It is a tricky business trying to rely on your insticts and intuition when you are also traumatized and get anxious by very little.
My goal is to do yoga atleast every other day to keep myself grounded and centered.

I am atleast happy w the hypnobirth woman we found, she seems to be on the same wavelenght as us. I'm excited both to try hypnosis for the trauma and to get the hypnobirthing tools for wifey and me to use at the next birth.

RMDR and hypnosis, and to certain extent CBT, has great track records for working w trauma. Though I believe, as I read in orgasmic birth, that birth trauma - like rape - is such a physical trauma it is difficult to heal with "talk therapy". I'm also thinking since cortex is (at least primed to be if the mother is not too disturbed and interrupted) dormant during birth, the trauma becomes so primal, so ingrained in our most basic functions it is difficult to reach through reason.
Yes, trauma is always this way.
But when giving birth a woman is so vulnerable and receptive. You have to be to stay in touch with your baby and the birht process. All the information you have of your baby and your body and it needs. All that information that gets completely ignored by the so called professionals.
I was so vulnerable. Unable to express myself. To my big surprise, my defense was not fight, nor flight. When they coerced their medications on me under the threath that my baby would not live other wise my mind chose 2 things.
To stay calm in the face of panic and to chose the last defence; freeze.

Perhaps I did the best I could. I knew staying calm was the only thing I could do to help my baby. And I did that to the best of my ability. Even if that meant I didn't object out loud to all the things I screamed NO!!! at on the inside. Even if that meant I was apologetic and polite to the people that hurt me and my child.
I realised I had no support, no one on my side. And I decided to go into myself and do the best I could to support myself and my child through the nightmare.

Now that I know this could be the way I react in childbirth, it feels even more vital that I surround myself ONLY w support. Only w people who believe in me and my birth. That I surround myself only with love.

The thing that makes me so sure that what I experienced was real is that the few ones I did NOT experience as a stressful, pessimistic influence was; the narcotic doctor who laid the epidural. There is no way what so ever that this person who was 1, a man (which I specifically asked not to have present at my birth) and 2. did something I was not willing to do (have an epidural), would in any way be calming. But. There was something in his demenor, his energy, his way of interacting that made me feel calm and safe. He was not a stressed and pessimistic person waiting for disaster.
Which makes me even more certain that my reading of all the other people involved in my first birth were correct and not imagined out of my own fear.

The second person was the midwife who was present when baby J was born.
When I later spoke to her on the phone, she said; when I walked into the room I saw a mother who was beyond exhausted and who was going to give birth to her baby.
She saw me.
And I felt it.
She knew I was going to give birth to my baby. And I felt her faith in me. And that faith was what I needed after all the negative people, all the threats, all the depressing and suffocating, stressful and nervous energy that told me bascially everyone was just waiting for the doctor to call it quits and to do a cesarian.

I just needed someone to see me. And someone to believe in me. As I desperately tried to continue to do despite all they said and did to undermine my birth.
She did. And I remember that. I remember how it felt. Though it was never anything she uttered with words.
And that kind of faith, or love if you will, is what I need to surround myself with in my second birth.

For just as birth is a sensitive window where you can be damaged beyond understanding, so it is a window for healing without words. And that is what I'm hoping for this second time.