Mama milk

Well, hello there. Erradic mama blogger here. The baby is asleep, who knows for how long. He is not a man of routines my little bundle of joy.

He is almost 7 months now. And no, we actually did not return the breast pump. And yes, I am still pumping and nursing.
Though not as feverent as before. Baby J is a very unpredictable nurser, and my milk supply seems very sensitive and needing routines. Plus we have the issue of J being tongue tied. Though partially fixed, I suspect he still has some trouble nursing as efficiently as other babies.
Thus, I'm not giving up the pump after all.
Milk supply has dropped dramaticially since I stopped pumping every 3 hrs around the clock. But there still seems to be enough for baby J to live off of, plus the lunch and evening meals he gets.
I try to get atleast 4-5 hrs of sleep every night, and sometimes it goes up to 6-7 hrs between pumping and nursing sessions.

The reason I want to keep the milk flowing, or rather dribble in my case, is that there are still so many benefits for a baby to get his/hers mother's milk.

Last time we went to the pediatric, for his 6 month's check up, they asked if he still breastfed. As if breastfeeding is to stop after 6 months.
Hello? Have you read the WHO's recommendations?
Breastfeeding is preferable continued to atleast 1 but rather 2 years of age.

Among other things, recent reserach has shown that breastmilk contains stem cells (try to copy that, formula factories!), awesome, right!? And that Swedish children are much more likely to be gluten intolerant due to introducing gluten too soon and ending breastfeeding (which protects against gluten intolerance, and other allergies) too early.
So, no, I'm not done nursing yet.

And besides, both me and baby J love it. Most of the time. When there is something exciting going on, he has no patience for the old boob.

Well, someone is awake over here. Blog you later!

Baby love

My darling baby is sound asleep in a very rare afternoon nap. It must be the rainy weather, the cold that always seem to be on the verge of breaking out but then recedes after nursing, or just a new, welcomed routine.

I tip toe around the house (which takes some skill living in a studio appartment). But somehow managed to make a cup of tea without waking the baby.

In just a couple of weeks Baby will be 6 months. Time has passed so fast, and yet seems eternal, as it always does when something significant happens.

What did I do before I was a mother? Who was I? What utterly unimportant things did I fill my days with when I didn't have my darling J to snuggle, nurse, feed mango purée, change dipers, watch the rain fall under our dotted umbrella?
Where did my heart live when not held by his tiny hands, soaked by his toothless smiles and comforted by the rythmic movement of his tiny lunges?

A journey nearing it's end. I decided that even if I had to live in my pyjamases, I was going to do what it took to breastfeed, pump and give my baby as much breast milk as possible until he was 6 months old. Then he would have to nurse to the best of his abilites and I would return to semi-normal life, not consisting of nursing and pumping around the clock.

And now all those weeks of darkness, fatigue and bone chilling lack of sleep bordering on insanity is almost over.

And what a contradictory journey it has been.

My darling baby;
The hospital birth was a hellhole where the only thing that reached me through the chemically induced lightning sharp pain was wifey´s voice and the thought of you.
Yet, giving birth to you is the most magnificent victory my body has ever won.
They stood by in awe, all the cold, lifeless, professional people, waiting to cut me with knives and drag you out into this world. And watched us birth as if I was not shaking with cramping muscles, blinded by 3 days without sleep and lost in the realm of my worst nightmare.

The parking lot outside the hospital. Where I sat. Confused and shattered. With you, like a little bean at the bottom of the infant car seat. And I decided that this what not the time to fall apart, but the time to iron clad my panic and hold myself together for you.

Nursing you for hours without end, worrying about your slow weight gain, crying with despaire over having to give you dried cows milk with syntectic nutrients. Failing you, the dearest, most precious gift I have ever recieved. Not being able to give you what I wanted and what you needed. The constant guilt and anxiety.
Still, nursing you has be the closest to heaven I've ever been. Your tiny mouth working on my breast, your tiny hands holding my fingers, clutching my soul. Holding you in my arms as you fall asleep and slowly let go.

You know you are on maternity leave...

...when you go to an appartment viewing dressed in sweatpants and a poncho. Either that or you're a hobo. The faint smell of urin and vomit makes you lean towards the latter. The baby in a carrier and eating a box of cookies, the former.

Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful...

...boy.

Yes, Baby was a boy. And today he turns 4 months.
Blogging has not been possible so far, but I am thrilled to see that my blog is still being read.

The birth was just one big, hospitalized, medically induced nightmare. The hospital has later appologized for uneccesarily medically forcing my birth. But what is an appology to the trauma our family suffered. The hospital machinery will surely go on, chewing people up and spitting them out with no consideration.

If you feel the least bit inclined to have a home birth (in Sweden), please do not make my mistake and think you can have a "home birth in hospital" in this country. You can't. They will do what they do, with no regard to your wishes and threathen w your baby not being well to get their way.

Baby was excellent all through the 3 days of labour, but hospital staff kept telling us he might not be to get to do their medical interventions.
Why, I will never know. Since Baby was in excellent health all the time, there seems to be no reason for their actions what so ever.
Perhaps they just needed the room for another patient and wanted to speed things up.

Maybe one day I will share my birth story. But for now the trauma is still too overwhelming.

I leave you instead with a song for the miracle that is my happy, healthy, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful baby boy.

Week 39 +3

...and no baby in sight. I sometimes have a slight hint of something similar to cramps. But it's very vague and only comes sporadic 1-3 times a day.

When and how birth starts seems to be so different for different women.

Baby is moving in calm and soft ways. She did however make a little jump last night. Probably practicing for birth.

Now that I decided it's OK for her to come, the waiting has begun. I see it as my main job right now to keep rested and well-fed, incase I would go into labour.

There is still a lot of pollen around, but I'm so grateful for the weather.
It's cold, grey and raining/snowing.
It feels like balm for this over heated preggo who's been boiled alive in this tiny appartment during the summerheat we had over Easter.
It's perfect weather for getting cosy and sleeping in. Just what Baby and I need to recouperate after the hospital circus.

I even have the peace of mind to read novels. Can't remember when that last happened? Before we started to search for a donor?

Bye Bye Baby Bump...

How I have loved being pregnant!
I don't remember the nausea, the fatigue, the anxiety or the fears. I remember Baby gently nudging me awake in the morning and moving around as I fall asleep at night. I remember that time she had the hick-ups which kept me up all night. I remember the first time she kicked wifey's hand. Or that time, long, long ago when I felt her like the bubbles of mineral water inside me, and dared to hope it was her.
I remember carrying her under my heart, protected from the outside world in our own little bubble of love.

And now it's only days away from being over. And I have to say goodbye to this period of our lives together and move into the unknown.

Because I've had such a lovely 3d trimester (when I finally got to do what I wanted all along; SLEEP)I have tried to answer politely to all the comments I've recieved since about week 34; It's almost over now! Hang in there! Any day now!
And I thought; but I don't WANT it to be over. I want to be here for ever. Loving every second of Baby's and mine loving co-existance. Undisturbed by work, clock-hours, expectancies to do anything else but marvel in complete awe of this miracle growing inside me.

The hospital stressed me out, the midwife and wifey told me to tell Baby to come out now. And I was so not ready to let her go.
I held my bump protectivly as tears streamed down my face by the thought of this pregnancy and birth taken from me. Being induced, having all those strangers turn my dream into a nightmare with their harsh words, cold hands and matter-of-fact-medical view of birth.

I am so thankful we got out of the hospital and that my body has calmed down. Now Baby can come when she pleases. And I have tried to mentally let go of my bump, started to long for Baby to come out. (It also helps to see all those baby pictures on Facebook of new born babies my friends have had lately).

So Good Bye to my pregnancy and bump;

Week 39 + 1

Back for a short update after radio silence.

Baby and I are fine, despite being pulled into one traumatizing hospital event after another these past weeks.

My blood pressure goes crazy just thinking about it. So I try to put it to the back of my mind and focus on our little water creature, working towards joining us on the outside.

Just got home from our check up at the midwife's office; baby is fixated (hurray! that must be why I've felt a bit of cramps lately), has excellent heartbeats, my blood sugar is excellent, blood pressure is normal (130/85) albeit on the high side, +1 on proteins which is fine, and iron levels actually up to 120 which is NORMAL! (And eventhough I've skipped the supplements lately due to the hospital drama).

I think my body is telling me that both Baby and I should be ready to go! I'm finally starting to get mildly uncomfortable; Baby is streching those ligaments under my ribs a bit. I can't sleep on one side for too long, my hips starts to hurt and I need to turn over.
I'm so glad I have the entire bed to myself, so I can roll around freely, it helps a lot. I feel like those nasty sausages they have at 7/11 that constantly rolls around.
I think it's excellent my hips are getting lose and that I sometimes feel some cramps and pelvic pains. Way to go body!

Also, Baby is so much calmer now. Poor thing was all hysterical when we were in and out of the hospital. (Probably because I was so upset, frightened, allergic, astmatic, sleep deprived and devastated).
I did a "kick-o-gram" over Baby since she got so immensly restless during this period. In 10 mins she moved/kicked/punched 13 times. And while I was sitting there, hands on my abdomen, feeling my little darling raising hell under my hands, the hospital staff told me over and over again that she probably wasn't fine, that she even might die if we didn't check her with machines.
So we did (NST or CTG in Swedish) over and over again. And each time my little dancer got top score. Each time she moved more than the technology allowed me to register with the little button I was to press everytime I felt her.
She was too fast for the machines, life can never be messured by imperfect instruments.
My little darling out ran them all.

Person 26 we met (yes, I am not joking, we met 26 different doctors, nurses and midwives during our hospital stay) was finally a resonable doctor who let us go home.

Baby and I have rested and slept most of the time. Poor wifey. One minute I can be up and about, planning our lovely Sunday together; the next minute I can crash and go into deep sleep for the rest of the afternoon.
Must be fun to live with a preggo.

It's a bit difficult to grasp that within days/week(s)I'll be having Baby here, outside with me.

I so much wanted to do some birth art (yes, I'm just a big hippie at heart), as in Birthing from Within;


I might just get my acrylics out and focus on painting and napping until birth starts. Baby is apparently doing an excellent job working her way down my pelvis. All I have to do is find my focus and center again. Eat well, sleep well, avoid pollen and wait for Baby to arrive.

Being in and out of the hospital so many times, we've packed and unpacked our bag about 5 times, so I'm not the least bit stressed about leaving it unpacked until it's time to go.
Wifey has become quite the professional after all these "dress rehearsals" and can get everything together in record time. She has been such a rock through all the craziness.
She is the most amazing person I have ever met and I am so thankful she is my wife.

We both dream about a vacation in the sun when all this is over and Baby is a bit older.
We have this fantasy of the three of us in the shade, gazing out over the sea. Baby snuggly nursing or napping. The warmth, the peacefulness, the relaxation. Our little water creature close to the sea. All of us lulled to sleep by the soothing rythm of the waves.

By the way, both of us have dreamed lately about Babys birth, and that she is a boy. Very interesting...