Who's afraid of the Big Bad Birth?

Today wifey and I had an interesting experience. (Ok, Baby was there too, but she slept through most of the meeting).

We had a scheduled appointment at the hospital to talk about my "fear of delivery". This is the only way you can get a referral to talk to the maternity ward before hand apparently.
The funny thing is I have no fear what so ever of the delivery, give or take a few times earlier in my pregnancy when I was exhausted and read that horrid book about pain in childbirth ("Att hantera förlossningssmärtan").

I do however have a "fear" of the medical view of birth and all the complications that can bring with it.

I understand the hospital's side of it all; their job is basically to constantly check me and the baby for a number of potential signs of things not being normal in me birthing my baby. They are also used to women being scared, uninformed and needing a lot of help and guidance. Their number one method of providing this is pain relievers during the birthing(not pre-preparation during pregancy).

However, having read all that I have read and having the attitude I have about it; I don't think that is the best environment for me to have my baby in.
But since home births are forbidden in this country if you are a first time mother to be, we have no options. Unless we want to pay for the midwives ourselves, and that will cost way more than a pram, let me tell you. (We are in chock over how much a proper pram will cost us).

I so wish I could birth calmly, safely and uninterrupted with midwives who had some objective view of the medical model. Who will put it to use if neccessary and not focus on it, when it's not needed.
Who will strengthen me, be a mental and emotional positive support and encourage me to have my baby the way my body was designed to. Who will believe in me, my body, my baby and our ability to birth normally, and not question me all the time.

The response we got from todays meeting was somewhere along the lines of;
-Yes, but how will you handle the pain?
-Yes, but what if you can't handle the pain, have you thought about it then?
-Yes, but we might have to use Syntocinon to help things along.
-Well, what if you are so exhausted you need an epidural?

Pain, pain, pain... Sorry, I thought I was birthing a baby, not entering a chamber of torture?

A friends mother (who is not Swedish) said the other day; "Ah, these Swedish women giving birth, all they do is scream and focus on the pain. You need to be quiet, save your energy and focus on birthing your baby."
Amen!

Movie time!

Wifey and I have watched the documentaries The Business of Being Born and Orgasmic Birth.

They are both documentaries portraying Hospital Births in America, and I think things are quite different here in Europe. Still, I think it's a good overview of medical birth and why it is counterproductive for most healthy women. I've read a wide variety of birth books, both on "standard" medical births and home births/unassisted births/natural births.
To each her own, and to me the books that appealed to me the most and made most sense are the ones on natural births.

I know a lot of women feel that hospitalized births and painrelievers are a basic human right. As in; why suffer when you don't have to? I think it's great to have them for those who want them.

I'm just really interested in the idea that suffering and child birth does not go hand in hand. That the uninformed, unnatural, medicalized approach to child birth is what creates the suffering.

After all the years of dancing, I just trust my body to function like it was designed to. And I do believe that my body and my baby knows perfectly well how to birth if left uninterrupted.

I guess I will find out for myself in about 3 months time.

The Rainbow Parenting Group

(You might think that I couldn't possibly find a more hideous costume than the rainbow costume featured in an earlier post. Well, think again; a rainbow chicken!)

I'm gonna be very brief about the Rainbow parenting group, eventhough this is a semi-anonymous blog. It's a small world after all.

We were about 11 people. 8 lesbian couples and one couple with 3 men and one woman. They consisted of a straight couple and a gay couple. The woman in the straight couple was having a baby with the men in the gay couple. The man in the straight couple was not to be a father per se, if I understood it correctly.
All the lesbians in the group were expecting their second child and the straight man had a child from a previous realtionship. So I guess wifey, I and the gay guys were the only first time parents.

The meeting was a bit brief, 1,5 hr. And there was not a lot of room for such a big group to let everyone talk. I think the topics of becoming a first time parent, lesbian parenting, giving birth, what it feels like to expect a baby but not carry it yourself etc, that wifey and I were more interested in talking about, got lost somewhere on the way. Or rather, there was never any chance to bring any of it up.

Still, some of the topics were interesting, like hearing about the experiences of the lesbian families with their children. We'll see what the next meeting will bring. I might try to be a bit more assertive and bring up stuff wifey and I are interested in talking/asking about.

Paso double?

Lately Baby and I have been watching season 7 of So you think you can dance?
Baby must have been inspired by last nights paso doble, I think she's been practicing all night long.
(Shows like this is def. targeting pregnant women with wild hormones. I cry when they audition, I cry when they dance beautifully, I cry when they get a ticket to Vegas, I cry when they get cut. I cry when they exceed expecations, I cry when they fail. It's all very cathartic.)

I'm starting to feel huge. When I turn over in bed, I must do it slowly so my bump will travel with me.

Other than that, we actually have SUN here in Sthlm today. I must go out and get me some, despite of the sleep depravation. I think I might take a walk to look at some baby clothes.
We do have a zillion already, after wifey's older sister gave us 13 boxes. But still, you do want to chose some for yourself. I also want a cute outfit in organic cotton that is absolutely new and that baby will wear on our way home from the hospital. (This is my attempt to create that goal image they talked about in the Profylax class).

Also, just because we are lesbians, we do not need to dress baby in un-matching outfits. It's great to have a bunch of clothes to choose from, but they also need to go together. Lovely pieces can end up being a fashion disaster if used carelessly. Ok, you might not care when it's 3 o clock in the morning and Baby has puked and pooped all over everything. But you know, for washing up and going out (if that ever happens?).

Tonight is the first night of Rainbow parent group. Will be very interesting to see who is there. I think the midwife said we'll be about 14 people. Both me and wifey has gone through our ex-dating lists to make sure we are safe from uncomfortable meetings. Memo to self; just in case; look smashing!

The dress that never made it to Guldbaggengalan, might make an appearance at tonight's Rainbow parent group.

Never Ending Story

Tired- cold- slight fewer - tired - cold etc etc etc.
Seems like I will never get well and rested. Last night I went to the bathroom atleast 5 times, maybe more. Baby must be pressing on my bladder. Not what I call a restful night's sleep. Woke up with my cold being worse than it has been the past week.

Being pregnant is a full time job. I'm sure if men were the ones who were pregnant it would be possible to stay at home with full pay from the day of conception.

Yes, yes, I know, I'm tired and cranky.

Last time we saw our midwife she said "being pregnant hasn't been fun for you, has it?".
But I couldn't agree. It's not the being pregnant part; it's having to keep up the rest of your life while nauseaus, exhausted, having constant infections etc that isn't fun.
Baby is lovely and I do love being pregnant. I just wish I didn't have to keep up with everyday life at the same time.

I still have a week of sleeping ahead of me (THANK GOD) before I have to go back to work. I really do want to work. I have so many loose ends I want to tie up before going on maternity leave. I just hope I can muster the energy to do it.

Tonight I was supposed to go with wifey to Guldbaggegalan, the Swedish version of the Oscars. She will have to take her dad as her date instead.
I'm dating the pillow.

That's how much fun I am to live with.

Wifey is amazing. I don't know how she can be so patient and stay so calm and loving.

Take this past weekend for instance; we go out to buy me a dress (to wear to Guldbaggegalan) and really made a bargain (we paid 160 kr, instead of 545 kr). It's a useful dress; a black maternity dress one could wear to many occations. We also found some organic cotton baby clothes on sale. All in all, we got a lot of clothes for a HUGE discount.
Still I get distressed over the money we're spending, now that I'm on sickleave and not sure what it will cost me.

We get home with yours truly exhausted, as always, and very cranky. I think buying me a pineapple and settle in for the night under my blankets might be my only option.
Wifey has to go to work for a few hrs. When I'm getting back from the store our building is closed off due to a smoke alarm. There are police and firemen all over the place and I'm not allowed back in. I almost started crying right then and there and wanted to scream; I'm pregnant, I have to go to bed, I don't care if the building is on fire!
I instead call wifey in tears, and she takes me to work with her in a taxi.

I am so miserable I can't stop crying even at her work. Luckily, there are not a lot of people around.
Wifey puts me in a viewing room with a large sofa and I curl up under our jackets, cry and eat chocolate ice cream (yes, good-bye sugar policy), while wifey runs back and forth beteween me and her clients that just flew in from the US.
I fall asleep to a tv show about princesses trying to date British men, after eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's Phish food.

Then it's home again in a taxi with me in a slightly better mood after my nap.

The next morning, it's the same story all over again. Something sets me off and I start crying and whining and we don't have time to eat a proper lunch before our Profylax class. We grab a quick lunch in the subway on our way there.
I'm in a "I'm so big and fat and hideous" cranky, weepy mood, and only order a sallad with no dressing before the 3,5 hr class.
Which of course leaves me starving and I can't focus the last hour and a half.

The teacher talks about bringing your own food to the delivery room, and there I go, planning what to bring and thinking about all the food I want to eat. Right now.

We do a "mirror " exercise where I'm supposed to say something and wife say it back to me.
I say "I'm hungry", meaning I can't really concentrate on this silly exercise.
Wifey says, with empathy " you are hungry.".
"No, you don't understand, I'm starving!"
"You are starving" wifey earnestly says.
I give up and go to the bathroom.

Just before I am certain I will pass out from hunger we do a final exercise. We are to close our eyes and imagine the first time we are home with our baby. Snuggly tucked into bed, the three of us. With baby sleeping between us.
I start crying.
Of course.

Ravenous

If I haven't gained much weight so far, I most def. will now. I am so hungry all the time it's ridiculous. I can't go to sleep at night and have to get back up and get a glass of milk and a sandwich.
What are you doing in there baby? Do you really need all this energy? I hope so...

I'm very stern on my no-sugar policy.
Ok, I had some oatmeal cookies Sunday night after the Profylax-course. Other than that; no sugar for 2 weeks and 2 days. Good mommy!

#2 The Danes; Roskilde, Tuborg and baby making

Denmark; our neighbour approx. 7-9 hrs south by car from Stockholm.
In my youth Denmark meant the Roskilde festival, beer and the odd class trip in high school. Despite Roskilde, Denmark and Copenhagen has never been a place I long to visit. Perhaps it's too many days spent being exhausted, hungover and muddy, desperately killing time until your train leaves after the festival. Maybe it was all those time you ate that bad pizza buffét after living off of red wine, Matilda chocolate milk and chili nuts for a week at Roskilde. I don't know how many times I've gone to the movies in Copenhagen, just to have somewhere to nap until the train leaves.

Or perhaps it was that boring school trip, having to walk around in a group with all those classmates you had nothing in common with. Yes, you know, those who got drunk and fell asleep in the shower with their clothes on later the same night at the youth hostel.
While you chain-smoked Marlboro red's, read Herman Hesse and rolled your eyes at how childish they were with your best friend.

Now that Denmark was our option to make our baby-dream come true - I really had to do something about my attitude.

We talked to a friend who'd spent a lot of time in Copenhagen, and got tips on cosy cafés, fantastic brunch venues and nice neighbourhoods for evening strolls. The first time we went, to look at the clinic, we actually both got stomach flu, and I did an old refuge to the movie theather to have somewhere to sit in the dark w my eyes closed until it was time to go to the airport.
What a nightmare that trip was!
The second time we opted for a romantic weekend, since one of us were working in town prior to that. We stayed at the hotel God forgot and payed a fortune for a ridiculous room with stained furniture and shaggy carpets with spots, where the bed broke the last night.
So much for romance.
The two times we inseminated we had our car; thank God! And just got out of there afterwards.
I'm still not crazy about the town, but it does have a closer place to my heart after being the place where baby was concieved.

In Denmark there are a lot of private clinics for babymaking, both very well known, and some not so well known.
We did our research and called around. We chose the clinic where they actually spoke English on the phone (despite what you might think, Sthlm Swedes and Danes do not automatically understand eachother, and you don't want any misunderstandings while embarking on a process that will cost you your lifesavings).

Since we wanted a donor with extensive background information (more on this later in the "chosing a donor" post), a European donor was out of the question.

The clinic we chose had experience of importing semen before, so we felt we were in good hands.

This is a tip if you have certain requirements about your donor/the process; call around! As I mentioned earlier there are different regulations at different clinics depending on if the clinic has medical doctors in their staff or not.
Now, this is not clear, and nothing you get information about. We were very confused at first as to why one clinc was not allowed to help us with a certain donor, but another one could.

So don't get disheartened if the clinic you talk to can't accomodate your wishes; call someone else!

After you've found a clinic that feels right, the first step in the process is a "journal samtal"; an interview where the midwife at the clinic ask you basic questions about your health and you can ask questions about the insemination process.
Since we'd found a donor we really wanted and was under a bit of time pressure to buy the semen and have it delivered to the clinic; we chose to go there in person to have the interview. We were going to invest a lot of money if we chose to have our semen delivered to the clinic and stored there, and there was no sending it back, or to some other place after that.
It felt better to meet with them in person, to make sure it felt right before we decided this was were we, hopefully, would have Baby, and her siblings.

Otherwise it is also possible to have this conversation over the phone, which a lot of people do.

The interview, or rather; conversation, was very pleasant. We were met and respected as a family and as two parents to be, not as a mother and her partner.
There was no standard protocol with discriminatory questions they just HAD to ask (like how many times we'd had intercourse to produce a child, or whatever it is they ask in Sweden).

We also talked about donors, having a donor child and how our thought process was in chosing the one we've chosen.

If you prefer, you don't have to chose yourself, the clinic can chose a donor for you.

All the paper work for our semen and storing it at the clinic was handled via e-mail and was very unproblematic.

The next step was timing your ovulation and try the IUI, which I've written about in earlier blogpost.

Voila!
And now we have baby, our little night owl and early bird. She dances energetically at bedtime and in the morning when she wakes me. She is probably training me for when she'll be with us in the outside world, keeping us up all hours of the night.