I'm back in town, and so are the sticks.

I'm back in town after a weekend of wedding planning in various places in the country. And last night it was time to start the stick-tricks again. So far so good, nothing is malfunctioning. Now we're just gonna keep our sticks crossed we'll get a positive test this weekend.

As for wedding planning, I'm still in my baby-bubble, or rather my ovulation-bubble and have a difficult time focusing on other things. However, planning the wedding ceremony made the actual wedding seem real.

We have a minister doing the wedding. And there's a lot of beautiful passages in the bible. But the bible has also been translated, interpreted and revised by a bunch of old men about 2000 yrs ago. The "created to man and woman" has got to go. The minister said it's really a mistranslation; it refers to the diversion within mankind, not to gender or sex as such.
Oh well.
The passage adapted for women by the Swedish Church is that of Ruth and Naomi. It's a beautiful text, but the context is not that of two lovers but of a mother- and daughter-in-law. Also Naomi (the mother-in-law) makes Ruth go to bed with a man, which she does out of obedience. Was Naomi also a pimp? If wifey ever tells me to go to bed with a man, I'm getting a divorce!
The minister said the text needs to be interpreted out of context; as a vow. But I can't shake the context. We'll see if we can find a compromise. I, however, like the painting of Ruth and Naomi I attached above. In MY interpretation (the word of the weekend)Naomi is holding Ruth, and some servant is standing in the background. But actually, I think it's meant to be a man holding Ruth and her pimpy mother-in-law lurking in the background. But it's all open to interpretation people.

"But Ruth replied, "Don't urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried... nothing but death separates you and me."

I was trying to cheer myself up...

... by logging into the rainbow family network. I was browsing, looking to read some posts about successful inseminations.
Found one of a woman who had inseminated on the same day she got a pos. ovulation test.
Goodie!
She thought she'd done it too soon and wouldn't get pregnant. A later post showed that it had worked out and she was indeed pregnant.
So far, I considered myself cheered up.

I (perhaps wrongly so) suspect we inseminated too late our first try. That my body (or my panic) told me to jump on the first plane to Copehagen as soon as the stick grinned at me, and that we should have listened.
Also, wifey has a friend who lied to her clinic to get to inseminate the same day she got a pos. test. (She told the clinic the test was pos. the day before). And now she has a cute little boy as a result.

Well, bingo! Two people who's inseminated "early" and gotten results.

In good spirits I read on.
I shouldn't have.

The poor woman ended up with a misscarriage. Still in pain she turned to the hospital and it came to show she had misscarried one of her TWIN fetuses. The other little fetus was stuck in her fallopian tube, she could see it's tiny heart beating on the ultra sound.
She got sent home w the choice of either surgery; which might damage her for life and make her unable to carry any more babies, or to try by chemotherapy to kill it off and let nature do the rest as a second misscarriage.

But, we're not done yet.
While at home, her ovary/fallopian tube ruptured and she was taken for emergency surgery to the hospital and almost died of internal bleeding.
Also, she was single.

I sat in front of the computor unable to move.
Oh. My. God.
Called wifey, who was still at work and very busy. I started crying on the phone. Poor wifey, I'm not even pregnant yet and still act nuts every other day.

Poor unknown-internet-woman who had to go through all that horror, and all alone.

Poor me who seem to have gotten stuck in PMS mode and am unable to function on a rational level for more than 5 min at a time.

It's def. time to go out to our country house, lay on the bridge and watch the water lilies grow. This baby business has been more nerve wrecking than I ever could have imagine. How on earth have we ever survived as a species?

I'm a free woman...

...for another couple of days.
No stick tricks, no ovulation to keep track of, no phantom symptoms of imaginary babies, I'm free to roam the planet as I choose, coffee in one hand,champagne in the other. I can do as many sit-ups, twists and plough positions as I please.

BUT, I still have a wedding to plan.
I'll sleep when I'm dead. Or hopefully, on the honeymoon.
I'm so exhausted, if I hadn't had 3 pregnancy tests and a period to tell me otherwise, I would assume I was pregnant.

We're not having a traditional wedding, or perhaps we are. Who knows what's traditional now a days. My mom says we need a Toast Master. But the word makes me break out in mental hives. Perhaps we can have a hostess or two, or three, instead?

The only thing planned so far is the guest list,atleast kind of.
As for the rest I'm thinking pink flamingoes, karaoke, zorba and chocolate cake. And loads of champagne. We'll see what wifey thinks about my random planning when she's back in town.

Only one of the elderly guest has declined our invitation due to homophobia/dementia. (Dictionary ; dementia - taken from Latin, originally meaning "madness", from de- "without" + ment, the root of mens "mind", is a serious loss of cognitive ability in a previously unimpaired person.
Dictionary; homophobia - taken from Latin, orignially meaning "madness", is a serious loss of cognitive ability in a previously unimpaired person).

I tend to forget just a year and a half ago I wouldn't have been able to marry wifey in this country. I remember joking with a gay friend about not needing the gay marriage since we didn't have anyone to marry anyho.

And I think of how wifey and I live in our little bubble of friends, co-workers and love. And how sometimes lightning strikes and you realise that people find our love offensive and disturbing.
And in another place, not even in another time but in august 2010, we would be persecuted, tortured, gang raped and executed.
Because of our love.
Because it offends people that when I look into her eyes I find myself and everything else loses it's meaning.
Because it's disturbing to other people that she is the home of my heart.


">

New Game Plan

Our first attempt at IUI did not work. Did for a while feel a bit cheated by all the extatic midwives. I cried, I had a huge caffé latte and ate coffee ice cream. I acted crazy and freaked out over the possibility that my body is infertile no matter what all the testresults said.
But am now back to my senses.
It's my body and I need to be more assertive if we're gonna end up pregnant. Crying and eating ice cream won't help.

New game plan is lots of sleep, exercise, healthy eating and no stress.


Work is usually very hectic and have been stressful all spring. The IUI plans and wedding preparations on top of that has left my head spinning.
I have slept badly for a very long time, and especially before the IUI. For those of you who know me by my US-nick name Sleeping Beauty know that sleeping heavy and long is one of my greatest talents.
I need to get back to the basics. Try to get my body in balance. Try to get myself calm, centered and feeling in control.
I trusted the midwives, and it didn't work. This time I'm going to trust myself and my body and see if we can't get it to work.
I know our baby is waiting for us. Now mama's gonna fight for her.

(And God help us if we succeed and our donor looks like Sly...).
">

Baby love, oh my baby love... break my heart and leave me sad...

Am definitely NOT pregnant.